I think i may have OCD...

[Viper11]

Hi, Im new, My name is John. I don't think anyone will reply to this, it will be kinda long. For the past Year I have had unwanted thoughts of death and homosexual images. These thoughts have made me feel like I'm in a daze, or not real, like im just watching someone elses life. I don't know what triggered me to feel like this. When the thoughts started to happen, I don't know why i did this, but I started to do superstitious things. Like they made me feel better if I did them. Example, I ALWAYS have to wear my watch or I think i will get homosexual thoughts, and thoughts of death. I always have my bathroom rug straight before i close the door and i must have the shower curtain pulled back. I always try to beat cars to a certain place, like if i get to my mailbox first, i wont have bad thoughts. I feel so bad sometimes, i can't trust anyone, i told my brother once, and he just said i was gay because i get those thoughts, My parents say its just a phase, i cant tell my friends or they'll just make fun of me, i can't tell anyone about it, it hurts me so much, i just want to be a normal person who dosent feel like this, i want my old life back.

 

[akele]

Hi, Im new, My name is John. I don't think anyone will reply to this, it will be kinda long. For the past Year I have had unwanted thoughts of death and homosexual images. These thoughts have made me feel like I'm in a daze, or not real, like im just watching someone elses life. I don't know what triggered me to feel like this. When the thoughts started to happen, I don't know why i did this, but I started to do superstitious things. Like they made me feel better if I did them. Example, I ALWAYS have to wear my watch or I think i will get homosexual thoughts, and thoughts of death. I always have my bathroom rug straight before i close the door and i must have the shower curtain pulled back. I always try to beat cars to a certain place, like if i get to my mailbox first, i wont have bad thoughts. I feel so bad sometimes, i can't trust anyone, i told my brother once, and he just said i was gay because i get those thoughts, My parents say its just a phase, i cant tell my friends or they'll just make fun of me, i can't tell anyone about it, it hurts me so much, i just want to be a normal person who dosent feel like this, i want my old life back.

hello and you have my sympathy for what youre going through. its definitely OCD. i was replying to another person on the anxiety forum about this very topic yesterday. its a very very common sympton of OCD to worry about being gay, and it definitely doesnt mean you're gay. but i understand how it would be difficult to tell a friend. thats one of the hard things about OCD, the obsessions sound so crazy, it wouldnt work to tell friends about them. please search on google 'OCD homosexual fears'. i think what happens iwth OCD is that you think of something that you would dread, different for each person, and then start to worry if that thing could apply to you. with some people its like, getting AIDS, or being a pedophile, or being responsible for harming another person. then they begin to test themselves to see if they have certain feelings. panic sets in, and it becomes hard to tell what they are actually feeling. the thing seems too dreadful to even contemplate. a never ending process of analysis goes on. you might need help from a doctor, therapist, or medication, to stop this process.

medication works really well. plz seek help, and ask me anything more you'd like to know. i sincerely wish you to gain peace of mind.
akele

 

[Viper11]

Ty but, i didnt mention my age , I'm 14 , I already asked my parents, they said thats crazy talk, they said its just a phase , and that i dont need to see a docter, maybe i dont have OCD and maybe i am a homosexual, and i just dont want to be so i do supercious things and have thoughts i dont want, and maybe this is what all homosexual's go though...im just so scared and feel lost...i dont know what to do , i just want to talk to someone tell them everything...but no one understands, they just think im over reacting , they say John, theres nothing wrong with you, if you had OCD you would keep touching things

 

[Hermit]

my brother is 16 and has had similar thoughts. he began reading self help books and seeing a counselor. Everytime you have a negative thought you need to replace it with a positive thought. for example; negative "I want to die" - positive replacement "I love my life" this takes some people years to do, keep doing it over and over everytime you have a bad thought replace it with a good one. Go to the library and get some of Andrew Matthew's self help books, they are easy to read and really good.

Please feel free to PM me if you need to talk, I understand exactly what you are going through and you need support. Don't keep yourself in the dark.

 

[FracturedMirrorGuy]

I'd be wary of that positive thought replacement. Sounds a lot like a mental compulsion to me, and exactly the kind of thing I've been working to get rid of. That's not to say you can't think positive thoughts. Rather, from what I've read and experienced, you should simply accept the negative thought, then maybe add another for balance. In your case, something like "it's entirely possible that I'm gay, and that's just something I have to live with. On the other hand, it's quite likely that I'm not." Don't try to chase the negative thoughts out with the good ones, let them coexist. I think I may have had a similar problem to yours when I was younger; it is now almost completely gone, as I care much less whether i'm straight or not: I probably am, but if I'm not big deal. at 14 of course it's much harder to take this approach, due to the stigma and what not. And ultimately, as in my case, your mind can concoct new things that will disgust and appal you. But anyway, go with the flow, do what you want to, and just accept what your mind throws at you as possibilites not certainties. I read a quote I like, goes something like: "There are no answers. Only choices" Accept it as a possibility, and your mind will get bored of trying to figure it out. Funilly enough, it's often the thinking itself that breeds uncertainty. And keep in mind: it's probably your very repulsion to being homosexual that makes you think that you are. Hope this little rant helps.

 

[Unregistered MP]

Don't worry John, it's most likely OCD, youre probably not gay, but if you are then that's okay too.
But honestly, I doubt it. I'm 15 and I have just discovered my OCD, we think things that are completely disconnected to reality, just because you think them does not mean its true.
I know how frustrating parents can be with stuff like this, I still havn't told mine cause I'm afraid they'll think I'm being a hypochondriac or just plain crazy, but make them believe you, don't let them dismiss you. If you do have OCD you need to find help as soon as possible.