Hi QuickSilver,
You are still so young. I don't want to make comparisons, because I don't think this really is possible between any two people -however, I am 29 years old and for most of my twenties and more I've had social problems.
I know how you feel and I think that it is normal -and possibly even healthy!- to sometimes consider suicide and to despair. I think that this is part of what we go through when we're really facing difficulties. It can even be a necessary relief to just consider such thoughts and to give some voice to feelings of despair. -perhaps like a way of stating the truth of how you feel at this time. And often all that is needed is to say the truth of your feelings and have someone listen and accept hw you feel.
I did this the other day when I went to see my mother. I broke down, frustrated with the whole affair, with struggling for so long despite all that I tried; and also with how hard things are for me whilst for others they are just easy by comparison. ....however, my mother did say a truly comforting thing -when I told her of my frustration at not only being given a bigger problem than others, one that impacts my quality of life significantly, and that ontop of this sometimes people will judge me as lesser, lazy etc or otherwise it is just that others have it easy whilst I am still left at a loss... then she told me that at least you now have more compassion and appreciation for how truly difficult life really is.
This really did make me feel better. Because I have been gaining empathy -learning through experience just how unfair and hard life is for many people. ...so, you could look at your situation in such a way; not in a morally superior sense, but in the sense that experience has been giving you direct understanding of what life is truly made of. And this empathy and understanding, whilst it may not 'show-up' as success of the surface, nonetheless is something of real lasting value. -You will be rewarded for it by many people.
The other thing to tell you is that to not lose hope when you have lost hope. ...do you know what I mean by this...? ....I mean that with experience you'll get a little more familiar with understanding that even feeling hopeless is part of the process. Just like how some people have those epiphanies those moments of certainty and enlightenment right when they have hit rock bottom. ...it may not always happen so neatly, but these things do happen to people. ANd it just means that even within great despair there is an even great amount of hope.
You are likely to discover a solution to your anxiety.
I was thinking to my self of how I have discovered Mindfulness as -so far according to my experience- a solution that considerably cures my anxiety. ...now, I discoved this only 5 months ago. Before then, it seemed dismal and my psychiatrist offered little help with her method of CBT. THis just did not work for me. But mindfulness does.
...and I wondered to my self: imagine if all it takes is knowing WHAT to do. THat a solution like MIndfulness, that so far for me, has been making much of my difficulty disappear.-This is true, in case you don't believe me!! And yet, imagine not knowing such a solution?
And what an irony is it that with the proper solution a problem can clear up to become significantly smaller and much easier to manage -possibly even so much that one could make it disappear altogether! -and compare this with not knowing a proper solution. -compare the despair and the sufferring.
...it is a real irony. A real catch-22. That with the proper solution, so much unhappiness and sufferring is eliminated. Yet, without the solution, a person can be left to feel themselves as being inadequate and worthless or hopeless.
...Yet the only difference is knowing what to do.
-this is at once a horrible and a wonderful irony -it all just depends.
And perhaps this is also why a good number of people experience those moments of enlightenment -the 'alcoholic's moment of clarity', etc- at times of great despair: they go from seeing their situation as hopeless to finding all the hope they can imagine. -You are completely inadequate one moment and unstoppable the next!!!! ...that's life for you.
