I need someone to understand my pain

[bonafide]

Where to begin...

I feel fear has gripped my life and has infested my mind.

I'm 26 years old. I am in the computer field. I feel like I am as good as others. I never feel my work is good enough.

It seems lately the very concept of reading, learning, studying has become a phobia to me. I feel like "What's the point?" It's almost like I'm scared to for some reason? I want to better myself and have some direction in my life. But I feel literally paralyzed.

I feel depressed and struggle greatly to maintain the desire to go through the day.

I struggle a lot with asserting myself. I feel lost as to what to do, because it seems social phobia defines what I can/cannot do.

I hope this makes sense to someone, just need someone to listen I guess.

 

[lawyerguy]

Hi bona fide,

I understand what you feel. I used to feel that way about life. and sometimes I still feel that way. Life sometimes seems like an endless struggle with no point to it. Nothing good to look forward too. Only more work, stress, and sadness. But you just have to remember that there are good things in life. Both small and great. Live for chocolates. Live for your parent's love. Live for sun rises. Live your life for those things which give you comfort. Me personally, I live for the love of my family and friends, and also for orange soda. Gets me through the stress and grind of existence.

 

[bonafide]

Why can't I just turn this switch off? It would be nice to function like other people I see.

 

[Falcon]

Hey bonafide,
I am 27 and in the computer field. I have basically no friends, and have never been on a date. Often I get so depressed I don't do anything but veg in front of the TV or on the computer. I feel my work is subpar even though others tell me I'm doing outstanding.

In other words, I feel like I understood your post on a very deep level.

How do I get through the day - well, I don't really know, I guess I'm so apathetic that I don't even bother to concentrate on my depression, if that makes any sense. More robotic than anything else. One of the things that helps me though, is to set goals. Each week I will write down a small list of things I want to accomplish that week. When I succeed, I feel good. If you're curious, here's my list for this week.

- go out for dinner 1 time
- go jogging 2 days
- work out 2 days
- buy a CD
- say "hi" to a girl I've never met
- ask a guy I've never met, the score of a game
- clean my apartment
- buy and read a magazine

Small potatoes huh!! But sometimes I can't even manage all that.

Also what helps is to tell myself that I'm different from other people, that I'm calibrated differently. You would think that this would be bad to tell myself repeatedly. But it helps because then I'm less likely to compare my life to others' (where it inevitably doesn't match up). You asked about a switch - other people have them, you don't. Stop thinking about a switch, and you may be happier?

 

[Aerandir]

Everyone here can tell you they understand... We're all with you... :

 

[Si]

Hi Bonafide.I'm 39 and I've been struggling with this shit for years.Days ,weeks and months of struggling and wondering what the point of all this is.Everyday starting to feel like ground hog day.I was at a real low when I was at the peek of my IBS and had Gladular fever on an off which sapped my energy and made it even worse.But I think deep down in side each of us there is hope which we cling to which gives us the desire to keep going and to fight this beast.I have to agree with Lawyer guy on this one when he said get out and enjoy the things you like.Concentrate on all the positive things and it is surprising how negativity can dissapear.I know I have too much to live for.Don't let it beat you.Theres a lot of great people here to help you work through it and you can message us anytime.Cheers

 

[ThatLonelyKid]

I always thought people like you didn't exist. People like me. One in the same. The past 2/3rds of my life have been like a living hell. I'm 16. constantly lying to people so they wouldnt see past the brick wall. See that I'm a "loser". I would find every way I could to avoid entering a school cafeteria when I was in school. Now I've been kicked out for not going to school. But they dont understand. I feel like if I tellanyone the real reason why I ditch, they'll just think I'm a freak. I live every day in agony. If it wasn't for my looks, Id have no girlfriends. Currently have none, because I get to stay in the house all day, away from social preassure, but still I cant bare to look these neighbors in the eye in fear that they talk about 'that weird boy' all the time, My hands are rattling over the keyboard speaking so intimately to you, let alone someone else. Any 'friends' of mine have either been removed from my life because of my movement between parents, or withdraw themselfs' from me because of my seemingly apparent noninterest in them or they dont wanna be seen with me, etc. People who'd really make perfect friends with take away from my nonexistent 'coolness', so I befriend them, but just not to where it's appearent to other people, stupidly. I couldnt bare the preassure. I'd feel naked.