CMazzagatti
New member
Hey guys... my name is Chris. I've been a lurker for quite a while now, but have just recently decided to register at this forum and communicate my feelings to people who are suffering from the debilitating disorder that is SP. I apologize in advance if the post is long; please bare with me. 
When I was younger, I had the most SEVERE case of attachment anxiety disorder ever; that is, I would freak out and start crying when my parents would just as much as step out of the house for anything. I don't know if it was how my parents were raising me or how I naturally was, but it was definitely not normal. I was always looked at as the "good, respectful student who got good grades and that teachers idolized." Regardless of that though, I had several friends in elementary school.
When I started middle school, it was probably the funnest experience ever. A year later however, I began getting bullied. The kids doing the bullying belonged to a network of popular gangster-wannabes. They were never violent or anything, but they harrassed me verbally and messed with my mind. Anytime i'd see them in the hallways, they would gang up and start threatening to beat me up afterschool, and they also shoved me. At that time, i hated confrontation and opted to just try avoiding them as much as possible. It got to the point where I would be looking over my shoulders the entire school day, trying to avoid them. I was terrified. I was really sensitive... I was a pussy, and I admit it. I finally told my dad, who went out of his way to make sure it didn't happen again. We went to the principal, and the problem got solved. HOWEVER, I was traumatized, and lived in fear through the end of middle school. I just knew that everytime I passed by the bullies in the hallways, there'd be tension and anxiety on my part, even if they ignored me. I fell into this huge depression & felt hopeless, because i knew that I'd be going to the same highschool as the bullies, and thus I knew I'd carry on that tension and anxiety for another 4 years. I think that this experience led to my developing SP.
I was so traumatized that I decided to apply to a magnet highschool, just to make sure that I never saw them again. To sum that up, it was horrible. Highschool was the worst experience of my life. I developed the most extreme case of SP, and I had no close friends or girlfriends. I would blush for ANYTHING, and during lunch I'd literally spend my time in the library, or in the bathroom! It was hell. I never participated in group discussions or anything, and everybody thought I was a f*cking psychopath or something. When I finally graduated, I remember everyone boasting about how they'd gotten accepted into so-and-so university, and how they were all excited to be touring the campuses etc. And me? I hadn't even applied to college. I didn't care. I was just glad that highschool was over.
Now, i'm 20 years old, and i'm going to be turning 21 in mid-November. I live at home, I don't have a job, friends, car, or a life. I'm tired of living in a depression-induced isolation and I want to change. I feel like i'm going crazy in a solitary confinement jail cell. My mom is going through hell with my psychopath father, and me being the type that likes to help people, become a part of her problems, which adds to the anxiety. I want out, I just don't know how.
What bothers me the most is the thought that i've wasted/am wasting the funnest years of my life. When you're constantly surrounded by social networking sites like Myspace & YouTube, you tend envy the people who actually have lives, and who go out & are constantly taking pictures of their good times. You want to live their lives but are burdened by fear & anxiety.
Currently, i'm on Paxil & a benzo (librium). I've been on it for a little over a week, and I feel... a bit different. I don't know if it's for the good or bad. I haven't really been out in a social situation.
I'm supposed to be starting this local college on Wednesday, but just the thought of anything school related creates anxiety. I don't think i'm prepared enough to just jump right into college in my condition. I was supposed to go and take a placement test, which i haven't even done. I haven't even selected my classes yet. I've just been avoiding all of this stuff for the past 2 years, and now it's hitting me hard, because I'm going to feel like a misfit surrounded by all of the 18 year old freshman. And to top it off, I don't even want to go to the college in question; I wanted to go to a 4-year university. Infact, the only reason I applied at the local college was because the nearest term for the university in my area started next spring, and i didn't want to wait that long to start, because I feel I feel that I'd be so old. I know that the thought is irrational, but I just can't seem to break the thought pattern. I think that this is partly due to the fact that, throughout my life, people have always been praising me for certain characteristics that I possess, and I kind of set high standards for myself as a result.
I don't know what to do. I just feel really lonely and confused right now. What do you guys think someone in my situation should do?
When I was younger, I had the most SEVERE case of attachment anxiety disorder ever; that is, I would freak out and start crying when my parents would just as much as step out of the house for anything. I don't know if it was how my parents were raising me or how I naturally was, but it was definitely not normal. I was always looked at as the "good, respectful student who got good grades and that teachers idolized." Regardless of that though, I had several friends in elementary school.
When I started middle school, it was probably the funnest experience ever. A year later however, I began getting bullied. The kids doing the bullying belonged to a network of popular gangster-wannabes. They were never violent or anything, but they harrassed me verbally and messed with my mind. Anytime i'd see them in the hallways, they would gang up and start threatening to beat me up afterschool, and they also shoved me. At that time, i hated confrontation and opted to just try avoiding them as much as possible. It got to the point where I would be looking over my shoulders the entire school day, trying to avoid them. I was terrified. I was really sensitive... I was a pussy, and I admit it. I finally told my dad, who went out of his way to make sure it didn't happen again. We went to the principal, and the problem got solved. HOWEVER, I was traumatized, and lived in fear through the end of middle school. I just knew that everytime I passed by the bullies in the hallways, there'd be tension and anxiety on my part, even if they ignored me. I fell into this huge depression & felt hopeless, because i knew that I'd be going to the same highschool as the bullies, and thus I knew I'd carry on that tension and anxiety for another 4 years. I think that this experience led to my developing SP.
I was so traumatized that I decided to apply to a magnet highschool, just to make sure that I never saw them again. To sum that up, it was horrible. Highschool was the worst experience of my life. I developed the most extreme case of SP, and I had no close friends or girlfriends. I would blush for ANYTHING, and during lunch I'd literally spend my time in the library, or in the bathroom! It was hell. I never participated in group discussions or anything, and everybody thought I was a f*cking psychopath or something. When I finally graduated, I remember everyone boasting about how they'd gotten accepted into so-and-so university, and how they were all excited to be touring the campuses etc. And me? I hadn't even applied to college. I didn't care. I was just glad that highschool was over.
Now, i'm 20 years old, and i'm going to be turning 21 in mid-November. I live at home, I don't have a job, friends, car, or a life. I'm tired of living in a depression-induced isolation and I want to change. I feel like i'm going crazy in a solitary confinement jail cell. My mom is going through hell with my psychopath father, and me being the type that likes to help people, become a part of her problems, which adds to the anxiety. I want out, I just don't know how.
What bothers me the most is the thought that i've wasted/am wasting the funnest years of my life. When you're constantly surrounded by social networking sites like Myspace & YouTube, you tend envy the people who actually have lives, and who go out & are constantly taking pictures of their good times. You want to live their lives but are burdened by fear & anxiety.
Currently, i'm on Paxil & a benzo (librium). I've been on it for a little over a week, and I feel... a bit different. I don't know if it's for the good or bad. I haven't really been out in a social situation.
I'm supposed to be starting this local college on Wednesday, but just the thought of anything school related creates anxiety. I don't think i'm prepared enough to just jump right into college in my condition. I was supposed to go and take a placement test, which i haven't even done. I haven't even selected my classes yet. I've just been avoiding all of this stuff for the past 2 years, and now it's hitting me hard, because I'm going to feel like a misfit surrounded by all of the 18 year old freshman. And to top it off, I don't even want to go to the college in question; I wanted to go to a 4-year university. Infact, the only reason I applied at the local college was because the nearest term for the university in my area started next spring, and i didn't want to wait that long to start, because I feel I feel that I'd be so old. I know that the thought is irrational, but I just can't seem to break the thought pattern. I think that this is partly due to the fact that, throughout my life, people have always been praising me for certain characteristics that I possess, and I kind of set high standards for myself as a result.
I don't know what to do. I just feel really lonely and confused right now. What do you guys think someone in my situation should do?
