I missed my chance. Don't miss yours.

[lucidity]

Yesterday I found out that a friend of mine passed away. We used to be classmates and we hung out from time to time. Very cool guy and full of life.
But what saddens me most is not the fact the he died, but that fact that I never got to tell him what a good friend he was.
When he started to get too close , I put up a wall and pushed him away. He always used to call and ask me if I wanted to hang out. And I would just come with these bullshit excuses of how busy I was, while the truth was I just wanted to be alone, locked up in my room because of my freaking SA.
And when I started contemplating getting help with my SA, I had him in mind. I thought to myself " once i get rid of my SA I would be able to hang out with him , and in that way I would show him how much he meant to me". But it's too late now. I missed my chance.

SA is a selfish disorder. It makes me all wrapped up in my own little world. It's also makes me want to have relationships with people but at the same time makes me want to be alone(funny huh?). It's a malignant disease and I can't wait to get rid of it.

And I wish that the sudden death of my friend will some how change me. I wish that the death of my friend will turn on a switch in my brain and make tell all the people that I care about how much I love them and want to be with them. But I know and you all know that, that ain't gonna happen.

I missed my chance. I hope you don't miss yours!

And to my dear friend somewhere up there " I hope I meet you again one day, and the only thing I will ask from you is to give me a second chance "

 

[lostboi]

Wow that was really profound lucidity,

We just have to try to tell the people we love and care about how we feel while they are here despite our SA. I know that's easier said than done though. I toatally relate to what you mean about wanting to be around people but then also wanting recluse and hide. It's not fair. Maybe this experience will give you the will and determination to really move foreword and combat your SA in a positive way. It's definately given me pause for thought and I'm sure where ever your friend is he's understanding and supporting your fight 100%!

Keep Well,

Lostboi

 

[Chilling__Echo]

goodness, that's terrible. that breaks my heart lucidity. i'm sorry for your loss and your feelings of regret, they're hard to deal with. but you never knew this would happen, nobody can predict the future. we all do the best we can, don't be too hard on yourself.

we're never going to get rid of this completely, we just have to learn to deal with it, accept that we have it. you've at least learned from this, what you do with it after this is up to you, but remember that you're only human, and i'm sure you're doing the best you can anyway, take care and i'm so sorry for your loss

 

[lucidity]

Thank you guys for the support. You don't know how much it means to me.
I feel much better now. I was very upset before. It's been a while since I've lost someone close to me.
I will definitely try and make something positive out of this. I know it's a struggle but hey...you gotta do what you gotta do.
Thanks again guys (HUGS)

 

[Chilling__Echo]

no prob lucidity, how are you doing? it's been a couple of days, hope things are ok with you

 

[veryshy]

Yea you know its weird. The other day I was thinking about an old childhood friend who was/is a girl. I havent seen nor heard from her in like 10 years. But I remembered one day she called me up and asked to "hang out" with me! I cant believe I was so totally lost at the time that I didnt take her up, I turned her down saying "You dont want to hang around me". Gosh, I probably made her feel like crap, getting turned down by the guy she had a crush on through childhood.

Bad thing is, last I heard she was addited to meth and having sex with anyone who had some.

I guess I cant say Ive never been asked out anymore, after having remembering that. Thats probably as close to being asked out as a guy could ever get.

What a fool I am/was.