I just have to move away and start over

[thequietone]

I've been in a rut all this year, and I've read self-help books bought the stupid audio CDs, revisited my shrink, got on Prozac, had weekly psychotherapy...heck, I even tried hypnosis, but it turns out I'm too high strung to be hypnotized. lol.
I started cutting, forced myself to stop cutting, tried to force myself into social situations but only feel worse. I'm starting to feel like my options have been exhausted.
My mind keeps going in circles and I keep coming back to one thing:
I need to move away from home, get away from all these people who remind me of the bad times in my life, from all these people who know more than they should A fresh start! That's what I need!
I wish I had the guts to empty my savings account and drive off in one direction without looking back! The only obstacle is my anxiety of change. Last time I tried to move away, I ended up back home. What the heck is my problem????!!!!!!
I'm starting to wonder if there is a such thing as a quarter-life crisis...
All I can say, is thank goodness I found this site full of such great people who might actually understand my diluted ramblings...

 

[Scottish_Player]

Hi mate, sorry to hear your feeling so bad, i do know how you are feeling but i can say that running away from it all may not help as much as you think but the oe person you cant run away from is yourself and this is what you must deal with.
No matter where you go you will still be you.

Dont force yourself into social situations if you dont feel ready for it because all it will do is enforce the fact in your mind that they make you feel bad. Dont try to change things all at once and expect to be the life and soul of the party and up dancing and stuff, if its a party for instance then just go for one drink and leave, dont try to force your self through a whole night of socialising that you wouldnt enjoy, then the next time a party or social efent happens stay for two drinks and so on until you properly feel ready to go through a whole night, and belive me it dosent take long. Only this year i started going out to a mates house once a month for a poker night, i was dreading it the 1st time but after that i really enjoyed myself, its nothing to big but its still socialising and it gives me somthing which i really look forward to now each month.

Its just a case of taking baby steps and not rushing things.

Sorry for the dribble but i hope you get somthing out of it :wink:

Mark

 

[maggie]

hey thequietone.....i know how you feel....sometimes, i think...i'm in such a rut with my life...my dead-end monotonous job....my education...my social life...sometimes i just wish i had the guts to pick up...move somewhere else...start fresh where noone knows me...but, at the same time, i feel incapable of making these changes....frustrates me too :evil:

 

[loneEAGLE]

ive wanted to do this for about 5 years now, ive lived here my entire life and still feel i have nothing to show for it and no one to leave behind ,i thought about living in my car that would be so cool having all that extra money,just live like a gypsy.butt with sa it would be so hard to go to a new place with new people,in a new place you have no one at all,as previously posted "you can never escape yourself"

 

[savage_beagle]

change your attitude before you change your location.

tHIS IS in response to ''the quietone''. Hi! I TOO moved 3 times in the past 2 years, but due to selling my condo, and then having bad luck renting places from crummy landlords. Each time, i viewed it as a fresh start, but only cuz that is my attitude...'''i'm moving to a better area, it will be a fresh start''. Each time i moved, i really did make the effort to improve my life and mental outlook, and i have been told by lots that my moods and outlook on life is significantly better.My response to you is this....if you have a bad attitude or outlook on life, are down on yourself or overly critical of other, unsatisfied with everyone you meet, etc, (the list goes on and on..) you will continue on the same path no matter where you live. You could be in ''paradise'', but if your thoughts are negative and you dwell on the past and hate yourself----all you will have done is changed locations. This is not an attack on you, so keep in mind i went thru this experience. READ THIS PLEASE>>>>>=Living in the Present
By Remez Sasson


Next time you catch yourself thinking idly, watch the thoughts that flow through your mind, what are they? Are you trying to relive the past? Maybe you are reassessing past behavior or events? Maybe you are thinking how it would have been if you acted differently. Are you enacting past events in your mind? Even thoughts and daydreams about the future are colored by past experiences.


If your past experiences of relationships were pleasant and positive, that is how you going to think about your future relationships. If the experiences were negative, that is how you are going to visualize your future. It is always the past recreating your life.

You may think about what someone told you, how someone treated you, how you did this or that. It is always the past. You are letting the past captivate you and influence your behavior. Reliving the past is recreating it constantly. You are not letting change enter your life. It is all right to recreate the past if it was pleasant, but what if it was unpleasant?

Living in the present means being aware of what is happening, what you are doing, feeling and thinking. It is being conscious of your thoughts and focusing them on the present. In this way you look at situations as they are, without coloring them with your past experiences. Living in such a way makes it easier to deal with whatever you are doing at the present moment. You see things as they are, without being influenced by fears, anger, desires or attachments.

There is a story about two friends traveling by train. One was very nervous, restless and full of complaints the whole trip. He was impatient to reach his destination, and disliked every moment of the trip. He did not pay attention to his surroundings, as his mind was full of impatient, restless and grumpy thoughts.

His friend, on the other hand, enjoyed the scenery, drank a cup of coffee, ate a piece of cake and chatted with the other passengers. He enjoyed every moment the trip. He lived in the present moment and made the most of it. On arrival he was fresh and felt good. His friend, as expected, arrived exhausted, tired and unhappy.

It is a matter of the right attitude. Life becomes a happy and enjoyable trip when the attitude toward it and its events is positive, and the present moment is used in the best possible way.

Living in the present means concentrating on what is happening now, enjoying it and making the most of it. Do you know how many opportunities are missed due to dwelling on the past, instead of seeing and being conscious of what is happening at the present moment? When our mind is elsewhere we behave like robots, and repeat the same mistakes of the past, do the same things, and then complain that our life is dull and uninteresting.

Wake up to the present moment and live in it. The past happened and passed, so what is the use of reliving it? Do you enjoy reliving it? If it is a pleasant experience that's okay. You may wish to relive it and recreate it in your life. But why repeat the same event again, if it was an unhappy one? Why do you repeat something that has caused you pain?


We are usually unaware of the process of thinking that is going on in our heads. We repeat the same thoughts as a matter of habit. They come and we do not resist them. We welcome them even if they are unpleasant. We get accustomed to our thoughts and habits, even if we do not admit it. In this way they become stronger and more powerful. As our minds recreate our past, we find that the present is always the mirror of the past. Then nothing new happens and we complain that life is always the same, that nothing changes. Weird, foolish, tragic and funny at the same time, isn’t it?

Living in the present means being aware of what is going inside you, and thus being in a better position to control and stop undesirable and impulsive reactions. By living in the present, and by being aware of your thoughts and feelings, it becomes easier to be a little more detached. When you are detached you become able to choose how to react to people, events and circumstances, which can save yourself a lot of inconvenience, trouble and embarrassment.

Living in the present means concentrating on what you are doing each moment. This develops and strengthens your powers of concentration and attention, which among other things, enhance your ability to study and do your work more quickly and efficiently. Concentrating on what you are doing also helps you to make fewer mistakes and conduct yourself and your affairs in a better way.

You become enslaved by thoughts and emotions and lose your freedom by living in the past and thinking and visualizing events that have already happened. On the other hand, concentrating on the present moment, on what is happening or what you are doing right now, frees you of unnecessary, burdensome and unpleasant thoughts. You gain peace of mind.

Stop reading for a moment, and remember some occasions when you were engrossed in what you were doing, and believe me, there were a lot of these moments. Did you ever read a book and forgot for a while everything else? Were you engrossed in watching a pleasant movie, enjoying your hobby or eating very delicious food? In these moments you did not think about anything not connected to what you were doing. You were happy, calm and content and free from obsessing and unpleasant thoughts. You were concentrating on what you were doing. This is the great power and meaning of living in the present.

Remember, the present moment is very brief. It always turns immediately into the past. The future has not happened. Live in the present.

Constant living and awareness of the present develop a new kind of awareness-consciousness. It is awareness of freedom, of being alive, of happiness and joy. You come to realize the peace, calmness, joy and freedom from thoughts that the mystics talk about. You find out experimentally that what they are talking about is nothing mysterious, mystical or out of this life. You find that this is a most natural and positive state.



Refuse to relive the past in your mind. Change the film or the cassette!

Enjoy the present moment!

Find the positive, good and useful in each moment!

Living in the present leads towards inner awakening and freedom from unncessary thinking.












Copyright © 2001-2006 Remez Sasson, SuccessConsciousness.com.;
All rights reserved.

 

[Caillou]

I cannot speak for everyone. I can only tell you about my situation. Since I was a child I always wanted to live in a foreign country or last just travel to one. When I had the opportunity to travel abroad for the first time about 12 years ago I noticed a complete change in myself. I was felt slightly more confident. Now I am living in a foreign country and it was one of the best things I could have done for my SA. I didn't move just for that reason, it just so happened that it helped me to overcome many obstacles. Of course, I had undergone therapy before my big move which helped push me in the right direction.

I don't believe in running away from your problems however a change in our life could be the one thing to help us take a leap into a new life. Moving is not an easy solution either and it takes a lot of courage. It may give you the confidence you need. Good luck!

 

[bizzybear]

interesting in theory, but maybe not a full solution...

hey there..

i just wanna say that the whole moving away to another place is not some miracle cure that will rid u of you SA once and for all, but by all means, it's worth trying. for some people, it could potentially work wonders, and the fact taht you're in a new environment and have new challenges and obstacles to overcome could be very empowering, and therefore a potential wound to your SA.

however, don't expect miracles... like someone else wrote in here, you can be in paradise but if you're not in the right headspace, it ain't gonna feel like paradise! like was written in 'paradise lost' the devil says, "Hell is around me, I myself am Hell!"... which basically translates that hell or heaven aren't so much a place as a state of mind.

i should know, cuz i've got recent experience in both...

i moved to taiwan for a year to become an english teacher, and while i have no regrets about having done that, and in many ways it was a succesful and great experience, in many ways i think it made my SA slightly worse in some ways. everyday was a challenge and while i thought that such intense conditioning would just rot the SA inside of me away, i still felt awkward even at the end of my one year contract talking with certain co-workers, bosses, and great people i met. i guess the shitty thing is that i would meet so many great people and have the opportunity therefore to have some amazing experiences, but my SA and insecurities would get in the way and instead i'd feel in the end like crap, cuz i'd think "if only i didn't have SA, i'd have been great friends with those folks" or "i know that girl was interested in me, but the SA totally got in the way and messed it all up", etc, etc.

also, i was on the beaches of Thailand for like a good 10 days straight... all by myself. i had been travelling with friends earlier, but felt like i needed some time alone. and while in some ways that rocked and was great, in other ways i felt really lonely and awkward and really wished i had somebody close there with me to share and enjoy it with. or at least that i was in the right mindframe to meet people and party or whatever. so there i was, definitely in places i'd consider paradise, and i wasn't able to enjoy it the way i'd always dreamt of, cuz my SA and related depression/insecurities would get in the way.

it was still great in many ways and i have a lot of great memories and met some great people and all, but i also beat myself up cuz i know that of all the opportunities i had, i was only able to act on a small percentage of them and truly enjoy them.

so, if that's what you really feel you need to do, i would recommend you go for it, but know that what you're getting into isn't necessarily going to be a cure. however, it's also empowering in a way (if u can look at it from a positive angle) to know that it's not a matter of changing scenery that will make things better, but working on and changing yourself - because then at that point, everything will be easier and flow smoother.

of course, i (and all of us here reading this) are still working on that part... i hope we can all figure it out and at least make constant steps forward.

good luck!

 

[shipost]

I moved away and started a fresh to, didn't really make much different apart from I never had old friends hassling me all the time. It just kept me in more and increased my SA... although if you work at it in a new area trying to get better you will, I can actually go in shops now lol.

 

[PhantomPod]

I have this thought quite frequently. I was just having it today infact. I started my summer job today. I've worked there for many summers now and I like that job. It's a summer camp, so it's very fun and easy and I just play with the kids and have fun. I had a very good first day, besides for the fact that it left me feeling depressed as hell and sorry about myself. The thing is that I am so awkwardly shy when it comes to talking to coworkers. Like we had a morning meeting for all the counselors today, being it's the first day, and I basically didn't talk to anyone, when nearly all of teh others where talking to each other and are friends with each other. Then we were outside waiting for the kids to come, and they're all talking and I'm just awkwardly standing there by myself not really talking to anyone. So I just end up standing there over analyizing everything and worrying about what they're all thinking of me, like thinking that they all think I'm weird or stuck up because I'm not really talking to anyone. And I hate when I do that! Worry about what other people are thinking of me.

So basically, ever since I've come home I've been in a funk. Just I've grown up in this town and lived here my whole life, and I know some of my coworkers from school, and I feel like they all know too much in the fact that they know how shy I am. So all day I've been thinking how I wish that I could just move away and start fresh. But then, I know that I could never do that, because hell, that's what I thought my first year of college would be this year. A fresh start. But it didn't turn out like that at all. I was by myself and it was just too hard for me to put myself out there and try to meet new people.

The only good thing about my first year of college this year was that I got to study abroad for 3 months. Someone mentioned in this post earlier how studying abroad was a great experience and how it changed them, and I agree. I made two really great friends and I didn't have much of a problem associating at all with the kids I was studying abroad with. So it really did change me for those past 3 months, but now I'm home, back to my boring life, back to having no friends, and back to being by myself all the time and having no one to hang around with besides for my mom and my dad.

God, I'm feeling really down right now. It felt good to get that all out. I really do wish I could just get away though...

 

[emmasma]

I spent about 5 years hanging out with the same people and being forced into their ideas of fun, and all kinds of unhealthy things. They were my true friends, and only meant well, but I never was anything more than that strange girl that followed around Lizzy all the time. I moved away (only an hour) and stopped this cycle. I started making my own decisions and was happier. I had my 1st satisfying boyfriend, that I wasn't terrified of, he was a bit weird too, but the "gang" wasn't judging his so, so what! It's probably not healthy to run away from problems, but if there are things in your life that make it harder, I see no reason not to change them. You just need to remember that you will still be you.
My advice would be that if you do move away, stay close enough so you can visit regularly, it makes it easier.

 

[Horatio]

I agree with Savage Beagle

Moving can seem like a good idea and there are defintely a whole lot of positive outcomes from moving (gaining more independence, more life experience etc)

but at the end of the day after a month or two or whatever you will exactly the same way

in the last 3 years Ive lived in (spent more than a month at) 8 different houses in 4 different cities. Im now worse than I was at the start of it all, although perhaps more independant.

Im running out of places to move to in this country! each place is the same, Im always as lonely as hell no matter if Im staying at my parents place, in a flat with randoms, in a motel or homeless on the street it has always been the same feeling of not belonging, not having a home

 

[thequietone]

My common sense tells me this is the truth:

what you will never be able to run away from is this:

YOURSELF.........

The only real difference is that I won't have these old friends hassling me all the time, like shipost said. I would probably end up as a hermit if given the chance!
What amazes me is that some of you people studied abroad. PhantomPod, I'm sorry you're in a funk, too, but I think you should be proud that you were brave enough to leave everything you've ever known for three whole months. That shows a lot of strength and hey, you even enjoyed it!
At the beginning of this year, my freshman year in college, I bit off more than I could chew and went to a college three hours away from home, living in a dorm with an acquaintence of mine......Well, it didn't work out as planned, I ended up leaving after three days with my tail between my legs. I prepared for months. I had bought all my dorm stuff, set it all up, chose my classes... and it all crashed down around my ears. So many new people and an entirely new place was simply too much. I think this was partly because I also suffer from sometimes severe panic attacks, and the whole three days they just....Didn't. Stop. In short, it was a nightmare, but I'm getting over it.
The only thing to do is put it all behind me, and I think I mostly have, but SA and Panic disorder and what ever else I have aren't exactly things you can shake off, contrary to popular belief. So I really don't think now is the best time. I will probably wait till I get a good job, until I can support myself, and take slow steps. I think it's the best way, although there is another part of me that wants to go to Mexico! Italy! Katmandu! Everywhere at once to see the sights this world has to offer. I have a traveler's heart but a hermit's brain! What a dilemma...

 

[shyfriend16]

have you ever considered going to the starting over show

 

[thequietone]

I'm sorry, I don't know what that is....the starting over show? If it's a show that helps you start over and is on national TV, then no way!

 

[shyfriend16]

yeah its a daytime show and people are at work when it comes on but after watching i see it helps people in a major way it help me just by watching it its about come on gotta go. :lol:

 

[2shy4myowngood]

I always think about moving and starting over. Right now, I'm in a college that gives me extreme anxiety but I only have one year left. I can't wait until after college so that I can have the ability to make a fresh start. I have done so many idiotic things to really worsen my SAD over the years. I dream about moving from the midwest to California, just so that I can get away from everything here.

 

[thequietone]

Well, I've just come to the realization that moving away isn't going to change much. Yeah. I know that's what everyone has been telling me, but I just didn't believe it until I went on vacation recently.

Even half way across the country I couldn't stop thinking about WHEN I GOT BACK, someone was certain to call me, I would be expected to call them, this is only temporary....And it really pissed me off because I didn't enjoy myself as much as I should have! It was still a nice time, but I didn't escape my anxieties. This is also because I'm a bit OCD, and the obsessive thoughts about social situations just don't leave me alone. I thought I'd just mention this in the thread I started because it was an important discovery even though it seems to be an obvious conclusion.

You really can't run away from who you are. You have to stay and face your demons, I suppose. :roll:

 

[lonesomeboy]

i've done the whole 'moving away' thing thinking a clean slate would be a solution to all my problems. Sorry guys to be th bearer of bad news, but whereever you move you still carry the same brain as before. THings don't change and it is actually even worse being in a new city with no family and no connections. I feel even more lonely than when I was with my family.

 

[lifes_to_long]

we have to remember that everyone gets feelings of anxiousness and paranoia and even though we have it in more dramatic and physical ways it doesnt mean people cant relate.If someone else is quite in a situation i dont even notice cause im so caught up in my own paranoid shyness.I hate it when im in a situation were your sat round a table with people and you feel like you cant move and thinking people would think you're weird if you read the magazine but i know if i saw someone else reading it that I wouldnt even cross my mind as an insecurity.you've almost gotta think when your in a situation whats the most craziest thing i could do it and plan on doing it.