I hate my life

[Sophius]

Until the most recent February, I was attending one of the best Private schools in the state. That is, until Ocd got me kicked out. In adition to Ocd I've been diagnosed with Dysynthia, moderate-severe ADHD, and though I have not been diagnosed, I suspect I also have Aspergers syndrome. I'm currently 14 years old and am growing increasingly frustrated with my life.
First off, I am afraid to say certain things because I fear that the negative alternative of anything I say will come true. So i cannot say all that I would like to. I also believe that any good expierience that I have will be followed by a negative expierience to offset the positive 2-fo ld. I'm terrified of dogs, I can't see one without running away screaming. I also have a tendency to develop irrational fears about those whom I find repulsive.(This what got me thrown out of my school). In addition, I have to wash my hands 15 times(at the least) before I consider them clean. In the shower, it is nesscesary to wash my hands 45 times before I can wash the rest of myself. This is especially troublesome when you consider that my parents limit my showers to 20 minutes. In addition, if I see any reduction in my symptoms I...well...guess. If I go within 10 feet of my dad's dog's food dish, I have to change my clothes. After I was expelled, I was forced to return to the cess pit that is my local public school district. I was then, after a month and a half of torture, sent to an "alternative school" which is attended by unpleasent kids and administered by an inept staff of "care givers". After multiple episodes of me running away screaming from akid in that school that i developed a fear of, the principal made a habit of questioning my sanity every time she saw me. Someone, please help!

 

[Spike Lee]

YouTube - Alan Watts - Willing To Die

 

[christinecanada]

great clip, it's so true!

 

[mr.germs]

Although you may not think so, things will get better. I still have a lot of ocd symptoms, but I'm way better than I was 4 years ago. I was a straight A student 4 years ago and because of my washing habits, I started to get C's because I didn't want to touch any of my homework. I found it repulsive for some reason. I lost about 30 pounds because I didn't want to touch anything to eat. My showers were taking so long that I would run out of hot water. I hit rock bottom and that was a huge wake up call for me. I still have a lot of ocd stuff that I wish I didn't have, but my life is manageable for the most part. I eat right, got back to getting A's, and limited my shower time by a lot. Honestly, I think ocd is something that people have for their whole lives, but I believe with support and effort, it's possible to limit it to where it's not a problem. You'll bounce back.

Although I went through hell over the years, I wouldn't change it. I think I'm a lot stronger that I've been through the worst and it's changed my outlook on life. Once things start to look up for you, I think you'll feel the same way.

I would recommend talking to a doctor or your parents though. I know it may be really embarrassing...trust me on that, but you will be better off. I know how hard it is to stop habits, like washing your hands 45 times because I used to do that too. One day though, I did it 44 times, then 43, and so on where I wash my hands thoroughly once and I'm fine. With changing clothes, I did that too. My stack of clothes would be 3 times as high as the rest of my family. I've managed that too though. My advice for that would be to not change your clothes and keep your mind occupied by watching t.v. or something that you enjoy. Best of luck! You can get better!

 

[christinecanada]

you will never get rid of it, but you can control your symptoms. You have to be willing to really want to work at it. It can be done.

 

[krs2snow]

Soophius, you're really only 14?! For a 14 yr old you express yourself amazingly well! It sounds like you're struggling w/so many different things right now but I see a strength in you and what you've posted. Your ability to write/communicate what's going on with you. Maybe you could focus some energy into this positive and find a positive result. I'm pretty familiar w/medical terminology too but I'm not sure what dysynthia could be. What is that?


I didn't quite "get" all of the video Spike, but I fundamentally agree.

 

[Polly_Princess]

Why did you get kicked out of your school?

I don't know for sure, but perhaps once you're receiving adequate treatment and reach a higher level of functioning, you might be allowed back.

 

[Sophius]

I would recommend talking to a doctor or your parents though.

I'm currently seeing 2 doctors. A psychologist who is attempting neuro-feedback, a psychaiatrist who put me on anaphronel (which doesen't do anthing but force me to take naps, which I detest).And I'm seeing another doctor at the end of august for exposure therapy. My parents are in a near constant state of distress and threaten to call the hospital every time a panic attack occurs( dad almost did it last night when I was unallowed to rinse the soap on my body off me because my alotted 20 minutes were up. Though I doubt the hospital would have been to smpathetic toward him seeing as he A.) hit me multiple times and B.) had drunk 3 beers and a glass of wine.).

I'm pretty familiar w/medical terminology too but I'm not sure what dysynthia could be. What is that?

Dysynthia is mild ongoing depression. Despite being "mild", it and my ADHD cause serious problems also. Because Anxiety is the manifestation of high arousal and Depression/ADHD being the result of low arousal, whenever my anxiety decreases to what would be a controllable level, it shoots into low arousal causing erratic mood swings and uncontrollable behavior.(This is how I simultaneously got sent to an "alternative" school and made my best friend despise me.). And then theres' Aspergers with its various social apitudes.

Why did you get kicked out of your school?

I don't know for sure, but perhaps once you're receiving adequate treatment and reach a higher level of functioning, you might be allowed back.

I was kicked out because I ran away screaming from some of the kids in the building/ refused to be anywhere near a surface another kid was touching/causing a major disruption/ was so drained by the emotional peice that I couldn't get any work done.
I am intending to reapply if I am able to get better.However there are many things (like a hospital visit) that will inflict an irevocable tarnish on my permanent record. And considering that I already have a 2 day suspension from 6th grade(self defence) and a 2 week suspension(for administering a "death threat" which was really intended as a joke to the aformentioned friend who now despises me. This is what caused me to be sent to the alternative school.) under my belt, I need no such stain.

 

[mr.germs]

It's so frustrating when people don't understand. My dad isn't very understanding towards my ocd either. He thinks that I should just stop and deal with it, but he doesn't understand how difficult it is which is surprising since he has his own ocd problems. I was taking medication a few years ago too, but stopped due to the side effects. I would get tremors when I would try to be still. Be strong! I'm sure the exposure therapy will help dramatically. If you ever need to talk, send me a message. Keep me posted on your progress.