no1special
New member
Hello everyone,
I'm a twenty seven year old male and I have rarely left my house in the past three years. At first it wasn't that bad, but it has gotten progressively worse to the point that I have not literally stepped outside during the last few months.
My fears have completely prohibited me from seeking out help in any real form. I fear admitting that I have a problem. I fear that perhaps if I seek help and it doesn't work I'll fall even farther. I fear that people will know I have this problem (officially) even though I know they already do. I fear that a shrink will just pump me pills and that if they don't help I'll end up both more depressed and dependent on drugs. Pretty much any negative scenario involving me getting help has lingered in my mind for endless, endless days.
My sleeping patterns are all over the map. As of right now I have been awake for over forty eight hours so I apologize if I ramble. At other times I sleep for extended periods of time (14-18hrs). Sometimes I sleep three or four hours. I am forever tired with absolutely no motivation to do anything I enjoy or perhaps more importantly, love.
I lose track of time somehow. I repeatedly find myself a day off, one ahead, one behind at random. I guess it's just that every day has become a carbon copy of every other day. A never ending cycle of me, myself and I.
I am disconnected from everyone I care about. Whenever I'm alone I long to have company. Whenever I get company (rare these days) I am anxious for them to leave or I become easily annoyed. I also have a hard time to focus on whatever it is they are trying to say to me. What I mean by that is that I spend more time in my head then I do anywhere else. If I could apply that mental activity to a singular goal all would be well in me-ville but unfortunately I cannot even begin to describe the multitude of things running through my mind in any given five minute span, ninety percent of which is useless clutter or negative in nature.
I feel entirely selfish and guilty for putting my family and friend(s) through this. I feel like I have not only let myself down but that I have disappointed everyone that has ever cared for me. I have without question inserted more stress into their lives and it tears me up.
I have never taken drugs or seen a therapist. Frankly the idea of putting my trust in a stranger is daunting to say the least. But, basically what it boils down to is me attempting to convince myself I don't need help, I can do it on my own. I know that's not the right answer but part of me keeps it relevant so I can maintain the sliver of pride I have remaining.
I guess what I'm saying is that I know I need help but that the very thought of reaching out for it is, in and of itself incredibly difficult for me. I have a problem with facing problems (aka. reality) and I am completely beside myself at this point in time.
Is it possible for me to take this step and avoid an all out melt down?
I honestly don't know what to do, I'm terrified to even pick up the phone let alone drive to see a therapist and lay all my flaws out on the table.
To anyone who has bothered to read this far, thank you. This is the first time I have expressed any of this outside the confines of my own mind and while I am able to stay virtually anonymous in this setting it is still a first step for me.
I'm a twenty seven year old male and I have rarely left my house in the past three years. At first it wasn't that bad, but it has gotten progressively worse to the point that I have not literally stepped outside during the last few months.
My fears have completely prohibited me from seeking out help in any real form. I fear admitting that I have a problem. I fear that perhaps if I seek help and it doesn't work I'll fall even farther. I fear that people will know I have this problem (officially) even though I know they already do. I fear that a shrink will just pump me pills and that if they don't help I'll end up both more depressed and dependent on drugs. Pretty much any negative scenario involving me getting help has lingered in my mind for endless, endless days.
My sleeping patterns are all over the map. As of right now I have been awake for over forty eight hours so I apologize if I ramble. At other times I sleep for extended periods of time (14-18hrs). Sometimes I sleep three or four hours. I am forever tired with absolutely no motivation to do anything I enjoy or perhaps more importantly, love.
I lose track of time somehow. I repeatedly find myself a day off, one ahead, one behind at random. I guess it's just that every day has become a carbon copy of every other day. A never ending cycle of me, myself and I.
I am disconnected from everyone I care about. Whenever I'm alone I long to have company. Whenever I get company (rare these days) I am anxious for them to leave or I become easily annoyed. I also have a hard time to focus on whatever it is they are trying to say to me. What I mean by that is that I spend more time in my head then I do anywhere else. If I could apply that mental activity to a singular goal all would be well in me-ville but unfortunately I cannot even begin to describe the multitude of things running through my mind in any given five minute span, ninety percent of which is useless clutter or negative in nature.
I feel entirely selfish and guilty for putting my family and friend(s) through this. I feel like I have not only let myself down but that I have disappointed everyone that has ever cared for me. I have without question inserted more stress into their lives and it tears me up.
I have never taken drugs or seen a therapist. Frankly the idea of putting my trust in a stranger is daunting to say the least. But, basically what it boils down to is me attempting to convince myself I don't need help, I can do it on my own. I know that's not the right answer but part of me keeps it relevant so I can maintain the sliver of pride I have remaining.
I guess what I'm saying is that I know I need help but that the very thought of reaching out for it is, in and of itself incredibly difficult for me. I have a problem with facing problems (aka. reality) and I am completely beside myself at this point in time.
Is it possible for me to take this step and avoid an all out melt down?
I honestly don't know what to do, I'm terrified to even pick up the phone let alone drive to see a therapist and lay all my flaws out on the table.
To anyone who has bothered to read this far, thank you. This is the first time I have expressed any of this outside the confines of my own mind and while I am able to stay virtually anonymous in this setting it is still a first step for me.
