froghat
Well-known member
I feel so alone right now. Day after day it's the same crappy feeling. I never feel at ease around people and because of this I'm unable to bond with people. I just want to live a normal life. I wanna love someone and be loved, but it seems impossible and I have no idea how to change. I have my 2nd therapist appointment next week and I wrote a couple things down for him to discuss with me. Let me know what you think. If things don't change pretty soon, I fear I will spend the rest of my life alone and depressed. Anyways, here's what I wrote:
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I believe medication is helpful and necessary, but I also need to change the way I think. I feel like it's almost impossible for me to truly connect with another person one on one. I'm constantly being distracted by bad thinking patterns that makes a conversation so akward and umcomfortable feeling that I simply hate doing it and try to avoid it at all costs. It's a feeling that leaves me confused, sad, lonely, and hopeless. I'm miserable being alone and I'm just as miserable trying to live life with this weird behavior. I'm looking for some ideas on how to change this and improve my confidence, which is pretty much in the ground right now. I want people to see my true personality and start enjoying life without constant worrying. Here are two examples of my behavior:
Talking to someone one on one:
When someone looks into my eyes for more than a few seconds it triggers a nervous reaction. It becomes impossible to relax and focus on what the person is saying. I'm so worried about how I look and if I'm making enough/too little eye contact that the actual conversation becomes the side issue and I really could care less about what that person is saying and any enjoyment is lost because I'm so scared they will notice something weird, that I try extra hard not to seem weird. This thought process/nervous habit/confidence problem is stuck in the back of my mind and I can't get rid of it. I even have this problem with parents and sisters.
Non verbal situations.. IE: Walking past someone in a grocery store:
Another example of this problem is when I'm in a grocery store and passing people in an aisle. When I do make eye contact with people passing by I tense up and feel the need to look away and when I just look straight ahead I worry about people looking at me and seeing a weird or mean looking facial expression on me and making a bad assumption about me.
The only time I feel comfortable talking with people is for short periods of time or while they are distracted. IE: Someone asking me a question that can be answered pretty quickly; A cashier at a store talks with me while she rings up the groceries. Her attention isn't 100 percent on me, so I feel safer and more relaxed. I think deep down I have some major confidence issues and it comes out when making eye contact with people. I don't want people to look into my eyes and see my soul. I don't believe I'm worthy enough to look someone in the eye.
Even when I was doing really well (1998-2001) through medication and therapy, I still couldn't go on dates or have any meaningfull one on one relations outside of a group setting because of this problem.
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I believe medication is helpful and necessary, but I also need to change the way I think. I feel like it's almost impossible for me to truly connect with another person one on one. I'm constantly being distracted by bad thinking patterns that makes a conversation so akward and umcomfortable feeling that I simply hate doing it and try to avoid it at all costs. It's a feeling that leaves me confused, sad, lonely, and hopeless. I'm miserable being alone and I'm just as miserable trying to live life with this weird behavior. I'm looking for some ideas on how to change this and improve my confidence, which is pretty much in the ground right now. I want people to see my true personality and start enjoying life without constant worrying. Here are two examples of my behavior:
Talking to someone one on one:
When someone looks into my eyes for more than a few seconds it triggers a nervous reaction. It becomes impossible to relax and focus on what the person is saying. I'm so worried about how I look and if I'm making enough/too little eye contact that the actual conversation becomes the side issue and I really could care less about what that person is saying and any enjoyment is lost because I'm so scared they will notice something weird, that I try extra hard not to seem weird. This thought process/nervous habit/confidence problem is stuck in the back of my mind and I can't get rid of it. I even have this problem with parents and sisters.
Non verbal situations.. IE: Walking past someone in a grocery store:
Another example of this problem is when I'm in a grocery store and passing people in an aisle. When I do make eye contact with people passing by I tense up and feel the need to look away and when I just look straight ahead I worry about people looking at me and seeing a weird or mean looking facial expression on me and making a bad assumption about me.
The only time I feel comfortable talking with people is for short periods of time or while they are distracted. IE: Someone asking me a question that can be answered pretty quickly; A cashier at a store talks with me while she rings up the groceries. Her attention isn't 100 percent on me, so I feel safer and more relaxed. I think deep down I have some major confidence issues and it comes out when making eye contact with people. I don't want people to look into my eyes and see my soul. I don't believe I'm worthy enough to look someone in the eye.
Even when I was doing really well (1998-2001) through medication and therapy, I still couldn't go on dates or have any meaningfull one on one relations outside of a group setting because of this problem.
