how do i cope with this endless pain

[elfkin]

i am now 32 and have never had a decent or even normal relationship. i am a shy person with anxiety and depression but that does not seem to stop most people with those kinds of problems. Every single time i have been involved and usually are in love with the guy, he has always treated me like i was never good enough, the longest i have been with anyone is 2.5 months and thinking back on that i realised he was lying to me for weeks about why he couldnt see me or kiss me or anything, i always believe what they say, it is not in my nature to be suspicious of someone i really care for. I am always left for an ex they would rather be with, strung along and treated like a whore, lyed to, or strung along when i have told them how i felt, but they would never tell me that they didnt want me only gave excuses and so i cant stop hopeing. i am so low at the moment i feel like i have lost all hope of anyone ever loving me back, when love and family has always been the most important purpose to life for me, but though it always seems so simple for most people. Every time it happens i just feel worse and worse, i have never even heard of anyone who has never at least had one person who even tried for a decent interval. I just wish i knew if it was something i do wrong, how can i know when they will not tell me. and what makes it worse is that they are all in permenant relationships now and put hugh amounts of effort into it, i feel like noone ever thinks me worth the effort, worthless never be loved. It is killing me and i just dont know how to cope anymore.

 

[Lorraine Manca]

im really sorry you feel that way. theres more than just romantic love in the world. theres animals, kids that want to play, and entire institutions based on caring. unlike the romantic kind of love, that kind is a lot safer. i know it doesnt change the fact people have treated you badly, but maybe you could look somewhere else for love?

 

[elfkin]

i know how wrong it is to feel like that is the only thing that matters to me, it makes me feel worse that i cannot get past it all, it always takes yrs for me to get over the slightest thing, and i always end up having to leave something i love because i cannot handle being around the people who have hurt me. I am trying different medications for the last 6 months after the effexor i was on that had helped me to get past alot of the sad i suffered with, but it just stopped working and now the depression is so bad, i cannot stop these thoughts from running through my head constanly, and the more i cant stop the more i hate myself for it, and the less it feels like anything good can ever happen, noone could ever love me like this. And besides all that i have lost all interest in everything i ever liked and cannot motivate myself to try anything to keep my mind off it, and every little thing reminds me. I just dont know what to do or how to keep going with no hope. Nothing hhas ever worked out for me, even though it felt like it might at times but it always crashes. It is impossible not to feel worthless.
Im so sorry for burdening people with my irrational thinking, it only makes me feel more guily that i cannot do something to stop it.