Evelyn
New member
In advance, I want to admit that I have trouble expressing my emotions and thoughts with ardour, so please take it easy on me (as sometimes I may try to say something but it feels like I mean another). I'm also going to brief a short summary about myself, since things are so abstruse I won't be able to convey them in one post.
I have had problems all my life, which I thought were only depressive, until I saw so many psychiatrists about my depression and joined depression chatrooms/forums only to feel even more isolation. Most of the depressive people have lost a family member or suffered some dramatic experience in their lives, however, this has never been my case. I have suffered from depression (on and off) for almost all my life, and recently it's becoming rather hideous.
I had, in my recent years, come to the beliefs that I may not be from this universe (I came up with an entire philosophy about why and why not), and various other reasonings, though I never considered I may have a personality disorder. I did a research on personality disorders along with depression problems, and when reading some of the disorders I was amazed to find that a lot of them were spot on, leading me to join this forum for advice and to better understand myself.
I must add that I've had a very devious childhood; now many people jump on me and think I'm being paranoid when saying this, but these are things which are postulated by my own household and people who have been around me, so they're not mere illusions. The reasons I came to believe I was spiritually from another world were that I never suffered any family abuses or anything of that sort, which usually induces personality problems, and I was actually treated quite highly in the family. When it came to social interactions, as far as I remember, I have shunned them (but I could never remember a point where it began, thus it leads me to negate the possibilities that I conceived such symptoms due to a significance).
I was always a weird kid, never fitting in school or any social events, and had developed weird fetishes and sexualities that none others I knew had, but these are only a few examples of some of the differences I had acquired as a child (as far as my memory recalls). I never truly had any friends, only three best friends in my life time who I never felt close to and within a few months (max 2 years) they absconded me as well. I had other things going on in my life which I'm not to comfortable talking about with anyone, and for the most part, my family or relatives have never understood me, I have kept low key with my personal problems for my almost twenty years now, and when I try to open up to even one person with how I feel, I tend to fail miserably due to many reasons: 1) The reasons I feel the way I do about certain things are coalescence of so many abstruse things that happened in my life, that I would have to write ten books only so they could understand; 2) I feel EXTREMELY uncomfortable when expressing my inner desires and thoughts, even to my own family, as I feel so abnormal and abhorrible, that I just cannot let it out, and even if I tried, my lack of emotional technique, if you will, that I essentially needed to convey my feelings would shun me. 3) I never felt a close relationship with my family, or anyone for that matter, and I find it difficult as I cannot relate to anyone.
The thing here is, that I have acquired an understanding throughout my years that I may infact be living quite healthy, and that this entire personality disorder and depression thing is just a hoax amongst those who have a different perspective and desire out of life. With an open mind, I really believe that everything happens for a reason, and even this pain I suffer is somewhat of a destiny I'm meant to suffer through, in order to learn things and tread paths others most others wouldn't. Thus, my post here is not wholly a desperation for cure, as I feel content with my differences, but a way to understand what it truly is I'm going through, because no psychiatric help or depression forum/chat I've sought has answered my questions. The only people coming close to even fathoming me are spiritually minded people, and even they do not delve deep enough to construe details that they cannot understand. Despite my contentness with my life, I do get extremely enraged for very small things, that I just cannot explain; these things drive me insane to the point of madness, where I do rituals in order to abscond the pain of these thoughts. I've learned ways to abscond mental agony by way of alternative thinking (self cure), which has been helping me, and in that, these mental pains will hit me hard giving me suicidal thoughts, and I would eventually sculpt a thought pattern out of them in order to perpetuate my present philosophy as well as mental stability to sustain my equilibrium in life (to not go mad) - basically I've learned this is a natural human defense system, but I can add here that we do evolve from the pains we suffer (and that's my personal philosophy I've learned to endure).
I'm not sure what else to add here, save that I have only briefed what is a completely abstruse thing that no one can seem to help me with.
Thank you for reading, and I'm hoping there are some professionals here who can explain to me why I would feel such indifferences and abhorrence from people all around, when I frankly see nothing wrong with my demeanor.
Thank you again.
~ Eve
I have had problems all my life, which I thought were only depressive, until I saw so many psychiatrists about my depression and joined depression chatrooms/forums only to feel even more isolation. Most of the depressive people have lost a family member or suffered some dramatic experience in their lives, however, this has never been my case. I have suffered from depression (on and off) for almost all my life, and recently it's becoming rather hideous.
I had, in my recent years, come to the beliefs that I may not be from this universe (I came up with an entire philosophy about why and why not), and various other reasonings, though I never considered I may have a personality disorder. I did a research on personality disorders along with depression problems, and when reading some of the disorders I was amazed to find that a lot of them were spot on, leading me to join this forum for advice and to better understand myself.
I must add that I've had a very devious childhood; now many people jump on me and think I'm being paranoid when saying this, but these are things which are postulated by my own household and people who have been around me, so they're not mere illusions. The reasons I came to believe I was spiritually from another world were that I never suffered any family abuses or anything of that sort, which usually induces personality problems, and I was actually treated quite highly in the family. When it came to social interactions, as far as I remember, I have shunned them (but I could never remember a point where it began, thus it leads me to negate the possibilities that I conceived such symptoms due to a significance).
I was always a weird kid, never fitting in school or any social events, and had developed weird fetishes and sexualities that none others I knew had, but these are only a few examples of some of the differences I had acquired as a child (as far as my memory recalls). I never truly had any friends, only three best friends in my life time who I never felt close to and within a few months (max 2 years) they absconded me as well. I had other things going on in my life which I'm not to comfortable talking about with anyone, and for the most part, my family or relatives have never understood me, I have kept low key with my personal problems for my almost twenty years now, and when I try to open up to even one person with how I feel, I tend to fail miserably due to many reasons: 1) The reasons I feel the way I do about certain things are coalescence of so many abstruse things that happened in my life, that I would have to write ten books only so they could understand; 2) I feel EXTREMELY uncomfortable when expressing my inner desires and thoughts, even to my own family, as I feel so abnormal and abhorrible, that I just cannot let it out, and even if I tried, my lack of emotional technique, if you will, that I essentially needed to convey my feelings would shun me. 3) I never felt a close relationship with my family, or anyone for that matter, and I find it difficult as I cannot relate to anyone.
The thing here is, that I have acquired an understanding throughout my years that I may infact be living quite healthy, and that this entire personality disorder and depression thing is just a hoax amongst those who have a different perspective and desire out of life. With an open mind, I really believe that everything happens for a reason, and even this pain I suffer is somewhat of a destiny I'm meant to suffer through, in order to learn things and tread paths others most others wouldn't. Thus, my post here is not wholly a desperation for cure, as I feel content with my differences, but a way to understand what it truly is I'm going through, because no psychiatric help or depression forum/chat I've sought has answered my questions. The only people coming close to even fathoming me are spiritually minded people, and even they do not delve deep enough to construe details that they cannot understand. Despite my contentness with my life, I do get extremely enraged for very small things, that I just cannot explain; these things drive me insane to the point of madness, where I do rituals in order to abscond the pain of these thoughts. I've learned ways to abscond mental agony by way of alternative thinking (self cure), which has been helping me, and in that, these mental pains will hit me hard giving me suicidal thoughts, and I would eventually sculpt a thought pattern out of them in order to perpetuate my present philosophy as well as mental stability to sustain my equilibrium in life (to not go mad) - basically I've learned this is a natural human defense system, but I can add here that we do evolve from the pains we suffer (and that's my personal philosophy I've learned to endure).
I'm not sure what else to add here, save that I have only briefed what is a completely abstruse thing that no one can seem to help me with.
Thank you for reading, and I'm hoping there are some professionals here who can explain to me why I would feel such indifferences and abhorrence from people all around, when I frankly see nothing wrong with my demeanor.
Thank you again.
~ Eve
