DT123
Member
I found these forums about two months ago while trying to find some information about my problems online. I bookmarked them then...but until now I haven't really felt up to posting.
I'm FED UP!
When I found this place, I realized that there are other people out there like me....that not everybody is happy and socially adjusted....I felt relieved to at least know that there is a community of people who suffer from the same problem that I do (namely Social Anxiety).
I'm 19 years old, and almost 20, and I can say now that I feel like I am NOT living my life to my full potential. I have confidence in only one part of my life, and that is my intellectual ability. I go to a good university, and I do quite well in my classes. In fact, the classroom is the ONLY place that I feel even remotely comfortable talking to my peers, and the ONLY place that I have ever really felt good around other people.
I spend the rest of my time alone with my computer and books...even though I really do want to connect with people, so badly. I have been in college for one semester, and I really don't have anybody (except my roommate, who I have only just recently become relatively comfortable around) that I can genuinely call a friend. I know very few people. I have tried to do extracurriculars to meet people, but I'm too scared to even go to the meetings...I'm always so worried that people will see me as worthless, or that I won't know what to say, or that I'll panic...
I even try to avoid most people that I know...simply because any interaction we have will most certainly be awkward and it will be hard for me to even act like I want to talk to them. I know that I am boring...(somebody even SAID it to my face once)...and it is so hard to try to pretend that I am interesting. I'll also blush a lot, or look away, or jumble my words so that nobody can understand me.
When people call me (very rarely now), I never pick up. Even the sound of my cell phone ringing sends shivers down my spine. I wall myself into my own little world. I lost most of my friends in the later years of high school because of this. Only one of them still calls me, and I'll only pick up when I feel like I've ignored him enough that he'll start to hate me if I don't.
Even when I'm facing people I don't know it's hard. The other day I literally had to give myself a pep talk to walk into the store and buy some new notebooks. I was worried that the lady at the counter would judge me for looking worried about being worried at the counter (if that makes any sense at all 8O ). I get so nervous in public that I even want to break down and start CRYING... I can feel it coming. I usually keep anonymous by pulling my jacket's hood over my head like a safety net.
I've fallen into really deep depressions because of this...and when I am depressed I withdraw even more. It's like a TERRIBLE cycle.
I guess it's been going on for about two years now (although I showed some signs of it beforehand).
However, just recently I finally told my family what was going on. They had detected that something was wrong but never put a face on it. I'm now doing prozac and psychotherapy. I feel less depressed but I still feel very anxious around people. The real next step I need to take is to actually make an effort again and that worries me.
I want to feel good about myself again, and I want to stop sitting on the sidelines of life. I also...so badly...just want somebody to hug sometimes.
I just wanted to really just tell my story publicly, kind of at least a little step in trying to connect with somebody. I also, of course, want to introduce myself.
I'm FED UP!
When I found this place, I realized that there are other people out there like me....that not everybody is happy and socially adjusted....I felt relieved to at least know that there is a community of people who suffer from the same problem that I do (namely Social Anxiety).
I'm 19 years old, and almost 20, and I can say now that I feel like I am NOT living my life to my full potential. I have confidence in only one part of my life, and that is my intellectual ability. I go to a good university, and I do quite well in my classes. In fact, the classroom is the ONLY place that I feel even remotely comfortable talking to my peers, and the ONLY place that I have ever really felt good around other people.
I spend the rest of my time alone with my computer and books...even though I really do want to connect with people, so badly. I have been in college for one semester, and I really don't have anybody (except my roommate, who I have only just recently become relatively comfortable around) that I can genuinely call a friend. I know very few people. I have tried to do extracurriculars to meet people, but I'm too scared to even go to the meetings...I'm always so worried that people will see me as worthless, or that I won't know what to say, or that I'll panic...
I even try to avoid most people that I know...simply because any interaction we have will most certainly be awkward and it will be hard for me to even act like I want to talk to them. I know that I am boring...(somebody even SAID it to my face once)...and it is so hard to try to pretend that I am interesting. I'll also blush a lot, or look away, or jumble my words so that nobody can understand me.
When people call me (very rarely now), I never pick up. Even the sound of my cell phone ringing sends shivers down my spine. I wall myself into my own little world. I lost most of my friends in the later years of high school because of this. Only one of them still calls me, and I'll only pick up when I feel like I've ignored him enough that he'll start to hate me if I don't.
Even when I'm facing people I don't know it's hard. The other day I literally had to give myself a pep talk to walk into the store and buy some new notebooks. I was worried that the lady at the counter would judge me for looking worried about being worried at the counter (if that makes any sense at all 8O ). I get so nervous in public that I even want to break down and start CRYING... I can feel it coming. I usually keep anonymous by pulling my jacket's hood over my head like a safety net.
I've fallen into really deep depressions because of this...and when I am depressed I withdraw even more. It's like a TERRIBLE cycle.
I guess it's been going on for about two years now (although I showed some signs of it beforehand).
However, just recently I finally told my family what was going on. They had detected that something was wrong but never put a face on it. I'm now doing prozac and psychotherapy. I feel less depressed but I still feel very anxious around people. The real next step I need to take is to actually make an effort again and that worries me.
I want to feel good about myself again, and I want to stop sitting on the sidelines of life. I also...so badly...just want somebody to hug sometimes.
I just wanted to really just tell my story publicly, kind of at least a little step in trying to connect with somebody. I also, of course, want to introduce myself.
