danb
New member
Hi everybody,
Please bare with me as this may turn into a longish post.
I am 25 and for all of my life I have never fit in.
As a child I grew up with a mother that didn't want children and she suffered heavily with depression, and a father that was hardly ever there and didn't spend any time with me. Their relationship was particularly argumentative and I definatly suffered an abusive childhood.
My mam seems very cold and distant, doesn't seem to have any emotions apart from negative ones, and that is how I feel most of the time, except when I get negative thoughts i.e. people are judging me or my life is going bad... at which point I tend to fall into a cycle of thinking the same things and getting myself more and more depressed.mThe positive emotions in my life are usually me trying to force myself to be happy or laughing when really inside I am not feeling anything, I don't think i've ever really laughed at something that I found hilarious.
I guess I feel like I do not have the full range of human emotions, like I'm somehow disconnected from the world and don't really have any real interests or emotions,like how people talk about music or tv shows, stuff is just a distraction to me.
I tend to over analyse what I say and how I act, and this in turn makes me more awkward and have more moments like this. I often feel like my brain is hardly working, even concentrating on basic things or making basic decisions for me is hard, and my mind constantly feels sluggish. My memory is so bad I sometimes can't remember what I said 5-10 minutes ago. I can remember several times in my life where I have broken down and gotten incredibly upset thinking there was something wrong with me, some kind of mental retardation.
All through school I have been bullied because I didn't fit in, and I think this may have led me to feel uncomfortable around people. I find it hard to make connections with other guys and can never really think of anything to say, and a lot of what I do say comes out not making any sense.
I have somehow ended up with a fairly good I.T job because I always liked computers growing up but even in that I make stupid mistakes and not thinking about things properly leading to poor quality of work and constantly getting things wrong, and in school I was always getting into trouble for being 'bright' but not concentrating or my mind being 'away in the clouds'.
I have a girlfriend who is very supportive and loves me for who I am but I feel like sometimes I am not good enough for her, like she deserves someone who can truly be there for her properly, and empathise/be supportive which is not one of my best qualities.
Apologies because this is all very negative, I guess the reason I am here is that I just need a place to write this in the hope that someone else is going through what I am and can give me some advice.
I hope that there is some drug or therapy that can make me normal, I feel like a zombie.
Sorry for my first post here being such a downer
-Dan
Please bare with me as this may turn into a longish post.
I am 25 and for all of my life I have never fit in.
As a child I grew up with a mother that didn't want children and she suffered heavily with depression, and a father that was hardly ever there and didn't spend any time with me. Their relationship was particularly argumentative and I definatly suffered an abusive childhood.
My mam seems very cold and distant, doesn't seem to have any emotions apart from negative ones, and that is how I feel most of the time, except when I get negative thoughts i.e. people are judging me or my life is going bad... at which point I tend to fall into a cycle of thinking the same things and getting myself more and more depressed.mThe positive emotions in my life are usually me trying to force myself to be happy or laughing when really inside I am not feeling anything, I don't think i've ever really laughed at something that I found hilarious.
I guess I feel like I do not have the full range of human emotions, like I'm somehow disconnected from the world and don't really have any real interests or emotions,like how people talk about music or tv shows, stuff is just a distraction to me.
I tend to over analyse what I say and how I act, and this in turn makes me more awkward and have more moments like this. I often feel like my brain is hardly working, even concentrating on basic things or making basic decisions for me is hard, and my mind constantly feels sluggish. My memory is so bad I sometimes can't remember what I said 5-10 minutes ago. I can remember several times in my life where I have broken down and gotten incredibly upset thinking there was something wrong with me, some kind of mental retardation.
All through school I have been bullied because I didn't fit in, and I think this may have led me to feel uncomfortable around people. I find it hard to make connections with other guys and can never really think of anything to say, and a lot of what I do say comes out not making any sense.
I have somehow ended up with a fairly good I.T job because I always liked computers growing up but even in that I make stupid mistakes and not thinking about things properly leading to poor quality of work and constantly getting things wrong, and in school I was always getting into trouble for being 'bright' but not concentrating or my mind being 'away in the clouds'.
I have a girlfriend who is very supportive and loves me for who I am but I feel like sometimes I am not good enough for her, like she deserves someone who can truly be there for her properly, and empathise/be supportive which is not one of my best qualities.
Apologies because this is all very negative, I guess the reason I am here is that I just need a place to write this in the hope that someone else is going through what I am and can give me some advice.
I hope that there is some drug or therapy that can make me normal, I feel like a zombie.
Sorry for my first post here being such a downer
-Dan
