Hey...

[Mithras]

New person here 18 year old male,from Scotland.Dont know what to say really,ive had agoraphobia since i was 14sh.Not really sure where it all started but i think it was with my appearence...bit hard to explain.But i had really bad acne(or so in my head) I could still go out even though i didnt feel the best or confident in myself.I dont know what was the turning point,maybe comments made to me at school or something entirely different,who knows.I did notice myself staying in a bit more but i blamed that on other things at the time.Really noticed there wasnt something right when i had my exams at 16...i didnt care less about them.My whole idealogy at that point was get to school...finsih the exam as quickly as possible and get home to my room as fast as possible.I left school then at 16 because there was still this subconscious feeling that made me uneasy among people.Ad then it really went downhill.Maybe five or six times i came outside until i was 17.My parents thought i was nothing but a lazy bum who didnt want to work.I got thrown out a few times because of it.Had to walk to some remote wood and sleep.Completely terrified of anyone seeing me.I still cant remember the first time my mum said the word *Agoraphobia* to me.I take it she had seen it on a documentary or something put two and two together and came to the obvious conclusion.She mentioned going to the doctors but at that point in time id rather have needles stuck in my eyes.It was probably more forced upon me after a few months than my own decision but ive been having visits for about a year and a half now.On 60mg of Citalopram and 15mg of Olanzapine right now.But to be honest,i wouldnt say im honest with the mental health worker.She knows i have agoraphobia,but im not too honest in why i think everyone is looking at me,talking about me..im sure you know the feeling.I dont know what im doing on this site...but for maybe the past 7 months ive been drinking,taking drugs whatever to stop me having a clear mind.When im sober or drug free,its like a veil has been lifted and i can see my whole shitty life in front of me.The fact im slowly losing my friends as they get their own lives,jobs,girlfriends.While im stuck in my room,going through the same old routine.With them asking me questions about why i dont go out....why i haven't had a girlfriend in 7 or so years,why i dont have a job.They know i dont go out and they have obviously asked me a few times,but i shrug it off make some joke out of it and leave it at that.I really dont have the best social skills or best personality for that matter.My mates like me because they know where i come from,the sort of things ive got into ie sitting in my room has led me into physics,evolution,theology all that kinda crap.They usually dont have a clue or never think about the things i do,but they still understand *why* i like it and enjoy talking about it.If i ever do go out with them i usually have to get so smashed out my face on ecstasy or alcohol i dont even remember the night.Just the stories afterwards about how much of an idiot i was.Who knows... im just stuck in a vicious circle.My teenage years are slowly being wasted and i will never get them back.Suicide is something i have considered as have most teenagers though.Cut my wrists a few times,not in a suicidal attempt as such though...or even a cry for attention...hard to explain but i could easily do it ,so i did.And it was all on *my* own accordance.If i wanted to do it i could,because its physical and up to me.When it comes to agoraphobia though i dont make my own decisions...i want desperately to go out,make a life for myself.Actually make my whole life something meaningful and worthwhile.All good in theory but there is always a brick wall,every decision i make its there blocking the way somehow.I dont know what to do with myself,but hell joining a forum where people may have gone through the same troubles as me cant be the worst idea in the world.

Cheers for listening to my non-sensical rant

 

[random]

Mithras,
Your post made sense to me.
I am sitting at my computer in California, closing my eyes imagining how you are feeling tonight. Reading your words - you are honest here with us. You describe agonizing feelings that drive you to drugs and drink, and even cut your wrists and think about suicide. But you say you are not honest with the counselor. Why is that?
I have had crippling social anxiety for most of my life and of all the things I tried to 'get out of it' - honesty was the key.
For some reason - I have been honest with my couselors (I have gone to counseling for 4.5 years now).
I have discovered that telling the truth to my counselor 'buys' some healing for me. I can go to counseling for a long time and not get any better but when I bring the truth to my counseling session, I actually get somewhere, real improvement. I said the horrible truth about my feelings and it got better. Sometimes getting better was very slow - sometimes it was so very fast.
What would happen if you were honest? Is your counselor the kind of person you could try that on? Could you pick one topic and try honesty? I agree that not all counselors are good to talk to (which would mean you would need to find a different counselor you could REALLY talk to - perhaps a male counselor?) but if you don't try with this one you'll never know.
The way that I am slowly getting over my social anxiety is to face pain I did not think I could face. Talk about, feel how awful it is, with a counselor to help you see the truth and separate it from the confusion and lies. One piece at a time, washing the horrible thoughts and feelings out of my mind by telling my counselor, letting my counselor ask me questions I don't like about my feelings, and then those feelings get better. I am rooting for you Mithras. I want you to try again - I want to see you come out of that room. C'mon, try honesty.