My OCD has taken many twists and turns. I have had my major ups and my major downs, and now I feel like I'm in the biggest hole ever , and I feel completely worthless and I basically feel like I've failed in every category of life. I devloped OCD when I was 18 and I've had it for 2 years now.
This is going to be really long, but I just need some support because I'm tired of living in this cage, and I don't know how to get out sometimes
::.
Anyway the reason why I feel this way is because recently I have developed really bad responsibility OCD.
With my responsibility OCD i feel I have to carry out some sort of action or do something that will help someone, whether it be help saving them, etc,etc. When I fail to carry out these actions I feel like complete scum. It's also very hard for me to determine when I should or should not help someone or if a perceived danger toward me or someone else is a OCD/ or a real worry. The worst part is I've failed so many times with my responsibility OCD that I feel horrible.
Heres a few specific examples
Me and my parents are going to a restaurant, and we both take seperate cars. I suddenly have the intrusive thought ( What If my parents get in a really bad car crash and they try calling me on my cell phone). So then my compulsion of course is to keep looking at my cell phone to see if my parents are calling, because if they are calling, I could save them. I know deep in my mind I shouldnt give into the compulsion, but it's just so hard. So while I'm driving I keep having the thought and my OCD won't stop saying ( Look at your Phone or your parents are going to crash and die) and I'm saying to myself don't give in.
But heres the part that really sucks. It's kind of complicated to explain, but anyway If i don't listen to my OCD, I basically feel like I have lost. Which is ironic because if I didn't give into the compulsion of looking at my phone, then most people would feel like their overcoming thier OCD fear.
Well anyway I end up not looking at my cell phone, and then suddenly my OCD says to me ( Good Job, Loser, You Didn't look at your phone, and now your parents are dead, even though they arrived at the restaurant like 1 minute after I did.
So at this point I basically feel like I killed my parents.
Now where responsibility takes it's worst turn the most ,is embarrassingly as it may sound, is when I masturbate.
Everytime I masturbate I feel like scum, I've allready got over my "sperm contamination", but that's a whole another story, and the thoughts with religion / god and sex have subsided a little . I'M SO OCD ABOUT SEX BEOFR MARRIAGE THOUGH, PLEASE HELP ME ON THIS AS WELL, IM SO CONFUSED.
Every time I masturbate I always get intrusive thoughts, and this is where I basically lose everytime with my responsibility OCD. I always have the thought that when I masturbate that something horrible is going to happen to someone I know or some bad event is going to happen.
So I always have to perform some sort of ritual before I masturbate, like say to myself ( this bad event isn't going to happen). But at the same time it's hard to go through these rituals when I'm trying to masturbate.
This example might make it more clear.
I am masturbating, and I notice that theres weights still on my bench press , bar. My OCD says immediately ( Get the Weights off your bench or your cat is going to come by, and somehow knock the weights off, and they will fall on him and crush him to death). Then I'm saying to myself ( just jackoff, there's no way your cat is going to knock those weights off.
So Im having this debate within my head while masturbating, which is extremely frustrating to deal with.
Anways I end up masturbating, and then my OCD says( Good Job, You coundnt save your cat because you were to busy jacking off, you sick scum).
These masturbating issues have happened so many times as well, where I've failed to save or help someone, hurt myself in someway, or failed a moral obligation to God.
The worst parts is that I feel like I have to be a puppet with my OCD, or I'm a horrible person. These thoughts and actions have been so confusing and horrible as well that I don't know if my OCD is just taking over, or If I'm just a really messed up person who can't control himself properly.
I still have major bouts of OCD with about every category still.
Such as God, religion,sex, responsibility, when I should/ shouldn't help someone.
Also when I get mad at someone instead of thinking, ( I hate that person), instead I think ( I outta just kill you right now). These obsessions are so strong that I don't know if it's my OCD, or if I have the traits of a murderer inside me.
I've also have had bad obsessions with about everything imaginable.
I've just become so confused and depressed as of late, I just feel like a worthless scum bag who's responsible for all these action's I have done.
I've been taking fluvoxamine but I don't know if thats really helping.
I'm aslo bout to see a therapist, but I feel like I just need to find refuge in myself and just break free from these chains, because I have beat some on my own, but the ones that are complicated are hard for me to handle. Because now I feel like I can't help myself until I get professional advice or something. Also the therapist my mom is trying to get me is on vacation right now, so yeh go figure.
I also think to myself I don't deserve love because I'm a piece of crap, and I get worried about future issues such as having kids.
ALSO HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOU SHOULD HELP SOMEONE OR NOT.
I could write another essay, on this issue but I don't feel like it to be honest, becuase I feel like im just going to complicate things.
Anyway I was wondering if anyone can give me any advice or if anyone can relate with me because I feel horrible.
This is going to be really long, but I just need some support because I'm tired of living in this cage, and I don't know how to get out sometimes
::. Anyway the reason why I feel this way is because recently I have developed really bad responsibility OCD.
With my responsibility OCD i feel I have to carry out some sort of action or do something that will help someone, whether it be help saving them, etc,etc. When I fail to carry out these actions I feel like complete scum. It's also very hard for me to determine when I should or should not help someone or if a perceived danger toward me or someone else is a OCD/ or a real worry. The worst part is I've failed so many times with my responsibility OCD that I feel horrible.
Heres a few specific examples
Me and my parents are going to a restaurant, and we both take seperate cars. I suddenly have the intrusive thought ( What If my parents get in a really bad car crash and they try calling me on my cell phone). So then my compulsion of course is to keep looking at my cell phone to see if my parents are calling, because if they are calling, I could save them. I know deep in my mind I shouldnt give into the compulsion, but it's just so hard. So while I'm driving I keep having the thought and my OCD won't stop saying ( Look at your Phone or your parents are going to crash and die) and I'm saying to myself don't give in.
But heres the part that really sucks. It's kind of complicated to explain, but anyway If i don't listen to my OCD, I basically feel like I have lost. Which is ironic because if I didn't give into the compulsion of looking at my phone, then most people would feel like their overcoming thier OCD fear.
Well anyway I end up not looking at my cell phone, and then suddenly my OCD says to me ( Good Job, Loser, You Didn't look at your phone, and now your parents are dead, even though they arrived at the restaurant like 1 minute after I did.
So at this point I basically feel like I killed my parents.
Now where responsibility takes it's worst turn the most ,is embarrassingly as it may sound, is when I masturbate.
Everytime I masturbate I feel like scum, I've allready got over my "sperm contamination", but that's a whole another story, and the thoughts with religion / god and sex have subsided a little . I'M SO OCD ABOUT SEX BEOFR MARRIAGE THOUGH, PLEASE HELP ME ON THIS AS WELL, IM SO CONFUSED.
Every time I masturbate I always get intrusive thoughts, and this is where I basically lose everytime with my responsibility OCD. I always have the thought that when I masturbate that something horrible is going to happen to someone I know or some bad event is going to happen.
So I always have to perform some sort of ritual before I masturbate, like say to myself ( this bad event isn't going to happen). But at the same time it's hard to go through these rituals when I'm trying to masturbate.
This example might make it more clear.
I am masturbating, and I notice that theres weights still on my bench press , bar. My OCD says immediately ( Get the Weights off your bench or your cat is going to come by, and somehow knock the weights off, and they will fall on him and crush him to death). Then I'm saying to myself ( just jackoff, there's no way your cat is going to knock those weights off.
So Im having this debate within my head while masturbating, which is extremely frustrating to deal with.
Anways I end up masturbating, and then my OCD says( Good Job, You coundnt save your cat because you were to busy jacking off, you sick scum).
These masturbating issues have happened so many times as well, where I've failed to save or help someone, hurt myself in someway, or failed a moral obligation to God.
The worst parts is that I feel like I have to be a puppet with my OCD, or I'm a horrible person. These thoughts and actions have been so confusing and horrible as well that I don't know if my OCD is just taking over, or If I'm just a really messed up person who can't control himself properly.
I still have major bouts of OCD with about every category still.
Such as God, religion,sex, responsibility, when I should/ shouldn't help someone.
Also when I get mad at someone instead of thinking, ( I hate that person), instead I think ( I outta just kill you right now). These obsessions are so strong that I don't know if it's my OCD, or if I have the traits of a murderer inside me.
I've also have had bad obsessions with about everything imaginable.
I've just become so confused and depressed as of late, I just feel like a worthless scum bag who's responsible for all these action's I have done.
I've been taking fluvoxamine but I don't know if thats really helping.
I'm aslo bout to see a therapist, but I feel like I just need to find refuge in myself and just break free from these chains, because I have beat some on my own, but the ones that are complicated are hard for me to handle. Because now I feel like I can't help myself until I get professional advice or something. Also the therapist my mom is trying to get me is on vacation right now, so yeh go figure.
I also think to myself I don't deserve love because I'm a piece of crap, and I get worried about future issues such as having kids.
ALSO HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOU SHOULD HELP SOMEONE OR NOT.
I could write another essay, on this issue but I don't feel like it to be honest, becuase I feel like im just going to complicate things.
Anyway I was wondering if anyone can give me any advice or if anyone can relate with me because I feel horrible.
