help for my daughter with S/A

[phobicmom]

Hello everyone...Am hoping some of you can guide me as to how to help my 32 yr old daughter who has social anxiety. A little background first.... She's hid this from me for years now. She hasn't held a job in more years then that. Last year I became aware of it and she came home to live.

First thing I did was have her see our family doctor for a complete physical. Then had her discuss her anxiety problems with the doc, and he started her on zoloft. Because she has no money, he gave her samples and when those ran out he switched her to lexapro (which did nothing for her and she got very depressed so stopped taking them). When I found this out (I found her sobbing in her room) I immediately got her back to the doc who prescribed zoloft again and I paid for the prescription. She's been on it now since late summer/early fall 2006 and I do see improvement. However, she is still isolating herself in her room and still has made no attempt to find a job, though we've talked with her about it.

I cannot keep paying for her meds, certainly cannot pay for counseling, and just don't know where to turn anymore. I'm disabled in a wheelchair and my husband is retired so we're far far from rich. I want desperately to help her but don't know how anymore. She's extremely shy, but at least has been going to the grocery store for me, which is a great help to me. She helps with her teenage brother, which is also a help. But she needs to move forward with her life. I just need help in helping her to do that.

I've read many posts here and am truly impressed by so many of you here. In spite of your difficulties, so many here are doing quite well in life, working or going to school, etc. I know this must be so hard for a lot of you, but I admire you all so much. You are quite the achievers.

I want so much for my daughter to achieve something in life but just talking to her is difficult because she shrinks inward when discussing things like this. PLEASE give me some pointers that you may have as to how to motivate her to move forward. I really felt that you folks here, who deal with this type of anxiety, are the best ones to ask. And I do sooooo appreciate your help in any way.

A worried mom

 

[Maarten]

You could download these audio therapy sessions for free:

http://www.mininova.org/tor/468695

(You need to download bittorrent software first.)

If she has SA these will work but it will take a lot of time and practice.
This is the best I can come up with, I hope it helps.

 

[nimrodel]

Hello,

I was really impressed with your posting. Although, I can't really offer any advice.. I can understand the delimma you're faced with. I'm 19 years old, but if my mother knew about my SP, the first thing I would want from her is understanding. I wouldn't want her to make fun of it or treat it lightly, because it really is terrible. Your daughter is extremely lucky to have such a supportive and understanding mother and I'm sure it makes the biggest difference to her.

I really wish I could help in some way. The only thing I can suggest is that sometimes certain hospitals or clinics offer free treatment(medication) and talk therapy. Although I don't know of any in my area, there are several people I've talked to have found places like that near them. I'm not sure if they're offered to the general public or not but you could maybe ask about it.

I wish you the best in everything.
Thank you.

 

[DYiNG-iNSiDE]

hey i think its so great your trying to help your daughter we all know what shes going through. Im the same way with my mom, i just cant talk w/ her about it so mabye you could get her to join on here so she could talk w/ people with the same issues its really helped me

 

[Y]

Yes i agree with Dying-inside, tell her about this site, she may not want to be a member, but even only knowing the existence of such a site is comforting, its good to know ur not lonely.

The only advice i can give you other than that is, the more you let it get you, the harder it is to get out of it. So the longer she stays isolated, the harder itll be for her when she returns, cos sooner or later she will return. Ive lived isolated for 2 years and now i regret those days a lot. There are many social phobic people out there trying.

God gives each one of us a challange, and this is ours :/

 

[phobicmom]

Thanks so much for you caring words..

I so appreciate your responses. I did give my daughter this website and perhaps she'll feel comfortable joining up with you all.

Maarten....Thanks for the website, which I told her about. She is going to check it out. Appreciate it so much.

Nimrodel....Thanks for your kind words. I would hope your mom would take your situation seriously, as I know it's a tough one for you all. Sometimes talking to a parent helps a great deal. Maybe she can be supportive. Thank you much for the hospital/clinic info and we'll keep that in mind. You're so kind.

Dying-Inside.... I do hope she joins here as I think it can benefit her, and also in some ways she can be a benefit to you all too. I am soooooo sorry you cannot talk to your mom, and I'll keep you in my good thoughts and prayers. Parents and everyone really need to realize that this is a "real" problem that many face and without support it can just make things worse. You hang in there, and thanks for your response.

Y......You are sooooooo right!!! I agree that the longer she stays isolated, the harder it is (and has been). I wish you could email with her but it's not for me to initiate. I so hope she'll join here because you are all such a great bunch of folks.

I, myself, have suffered with depression and it's in my family, so I believe I have more understanding for this reason. I somehow feel responsible for the daughter's problems because genetically she hasn't exactly inherited the most stable mental genes. But I also know that with support and love, so much can be accomplished. I never got it in my life, but I want my children to have that love and support.

So true, Y, that God gives each of us a challenge. And we must always remember that He also gives us the strength to cope if we let him. And if we love each other enough to support each other. As you all here are doing. God bless you all.

Thank you all so much for being the supportive people that you are.

A more relieved mom

 

[Jack-B]

Phobicmom

I admire your courage. I have a daughter also, so i will give this advice as if it were my own daughter i am talking about.

As a parent, you want to do all you can for your child, of course you do. You see your child suffering, you want to remove that suffering. How do you do that? Can you remove that childs suffering or do they need to learn from their own side how to remove it? I say you can remove their suffering, its how you do it that is important. Only they can realise themself how to function in the world. So to be effective in helping your daughter, you yourself must be as open as you can be about how you feel, only then will that create the space for her from her side to let you in.

You became aware that she has been hiding things from you and so she came back to live with you and then she saw the doctor. She is still isolating herself in her room even though shes been on medication for a while. She know's you are in a wheelchair, yet she doesnt realise how hard it is for you either, im guessing.

I'd say that if you talk to her about your own anxieties and fears and how your own suffering gets you down and how it makes you feel isolated sometimes, i reckon she will change her perspective. The focus is all on her so maybe she needs a different focus. You say she helps by getting the groceries, tell her that you appreciate it because you wish you could go yourself etc make her see the opportunity she has by using yourself as an example so that she feels she's helping. Tell her she is good at helping others, this will create for her a focus on which will motivate her through her own anxieties and see that others suffer the same. And that she can have a meaningful life, one not neccessarily confined within a room on her own.

I guess you need to help her by being an example of open communication, love and honesty so she can learn from this and be like this also. Then from her side she can change without you forcing her to do something at this time she may not want to do. Give her choices but let her decide, obviously if it gets too bad and she becomes really unwell you will need to exercise judgement but she has to have an open environment where she feels safe to come out that box in her mind. Help her understand the meaning of intimacy and connecting. Try thinking of other things in which you can all do together in the house, maybe cooking, cleaning anything where she can get involved and you can spark open conversation but dont force too much else she'll retreat back.

Tell her to write down how she feels if she cant talk to you direclty, that way she can do it in her own time and own space without having that anxiety creeping over her. What is she thinking? Change places with her, become her for a day, see it from her eyes, what are you not seeing?

I know you are doing all you can, i hope it all works out, let us know how you get on. I hope she does join here, she's an expert to her own suffering of anxiety we would certainly learn a great deal from her experience and would appreciate her input.

Jack

 

[phobicmom]

Thank you

Jack......Thank you so much!!! And I understand everything you are saying, and yes I need to try and understand where she is coming from. And yet, yes, she also needs to realize my situation in a wheelchair (which she does in many ways, tho I feel she just feels "guilty" about it all). I have my own set of emotional problems, it's true, and it's hard for me to deal with hers on top of it all. I'm trying to be the best of everyting.... the best mom (who helps her children in every way she can); the best wife so I can be a positive force in my husband's life in spite of these probs with my daughter/children; and yes it's hard for me to communicate with her because I am sooooo aware of HER problems that I always put mine on the back burner. Does she realize this? I frankly don't know. Hopefully she will join here and discuss these things herself. I talked with her today, she hasn't come here yet. I urged her to do so. Am I pushing??? Maybe, or maybe not, I don't even know anymore. I just know I've got to get her moving, and unless she tries herself, she will go nowhere. I love her with all my heart and soul!!!!! And I want to help her, yet I want her to understand that I myself cannot tolerate much more because I'm sooooooooo tired of carrying the load. Let's just hope and pray that things work out for the best. That's my wish!! That's my hope!! That's my prayer!!

Thank you for your reply,
da mama