Hard time letting things go..

[Moonie]

I consider myself a pretty forgiving person - especially when it comes with my relationship with my BF. Yet, I don't forget the things that he has done to hurt me. There's only 1 major thing that pissed me off.. I didn't talk to him for a week and said we were done. I found a journal entry in which he basically said his coworker was super cool and hot and he's trying not to date her. We were going through a little bit of troubling times, but neither of us thought opur relationship was completely over. Honestly, I don't think he had a chance with her.. She's just a dumb girl that showed him a little bit of attention so she can get a weekend off. But this girl fits a certain 'look' that I know that he finds attractive. So whenever I am out with him at a store or whatever and I see a girl that I think he would find attractive, I get really really upset. I'll grow very quiet and he will ask, 'What's wrong?" etc. and then I will be in a pissy mood.

Things are okay at this point (3 mo. after this occurance), but I always think back to the journal entry that I found, etc. And I can't help to think, would he leave me if someone that he finds attractive was interested in him? I just feel like he can't find anyone else, so he is 'settling' for me. I am an educated, nice, pretty girl.. Yet I don't fit the 'look' that he is apparently attraccted to. And it makes me mad. I am not sure how I can continue on. I do dwell on things.. How do I get over this? Should I get over this? Uggh. Any thoughts..?

 

[Thelema]

The only advice I can give you is being physically attracted to girls is what guys do. We all have our fetish kinds of girls we like in a strange certain way. He didn't act on it and it was only a little thing when you guys were going through a rough time. I wouldn't worry.

 

[barodapride]

There will always be other girls who are attractive, that doesn't mean your boyfriend will dump you for one. It's the emotional connection that will grow stronger and keep you together in the long run.

 

[LittleMissMuffet]

Hi Moonie,

I have a pretty good idea of what you're going through.
...When I was in my early twenties, I had a big crush on a guy who a friend of mine rather accurately described as "all tits-and-arse".

So, you can kind of get the just in terms of how sensitive he was towards women's feelings ...he actually had the tendency to 'play' on girl's feelings as a way of making himself look and feel important.

....proving a thing I have since then taken as an ultimate truth about love and sex, which is that- "those who dish it out, cannot take it"
...even when this 'ultimate truth' doesn't seem to apply, it always does, in my opinion, when you get to really see things.

One piece of advice I can offer you, although it is hardest to follow, is that if you can make your self into a person who is, as much as possible, independent and respectful of others' sexuality/relationship choices -without, that is, undermining how you feel at heart (note that I don't at all exclude this) - then you will find it considerably easier and easier to know what is the right thing to do in every specific situation. You will basically be honoring your emotions as much as you possibly could; through respecting first your fundamental way of feeling about anything and then practising putting your self in the other person's shoes to empathise with their side and feelings ....this is basically how to render your self independent from needing others.
It is a challenging thing to learn how to do though ...and usually if a person needs to do such a thing, it is usually more difficult .... but you can practise "being in two places at the same time" ; you can develop the ability to emathise with a contradictory (opposite) opinion, and in this way, strengthen your own opinion just as you would strengthen your skil in acting as your own mediator (3rd party) between you and another -in this case, your boy friend.

And, when you are feeling insecure and that your feelings are invalidated, if you can: believe me (I know I am right) when I say that it works BOTH ways. That if one partner is inclined to flirt and do so without understanding and being considerate of their partner's feelings ...trust me, they themselves carry within them the same sensitive feelings that they are treading on in you. ...It is no coincidence that the two of you are a pair and effectively mirror one another as a pair.

But, if my wise saying is to be shown as being true - that 'those who dish it out cannot take it' etc...- a person needs to develop a strong independence from needing others to validate them. This is something that, in my opinion, a person simply has to work at to get to. And it's done, in my opinion, by practising being able to see 'the other's' side of things ...which is emotionallly acrobatic, because two sides need to both be acknowledged at the same time. It is not easy to do but needs to be worked on.

Anyhow, I read in a really good book, that the only person one needs ever to worry about in a relationship is your self. That problems begin only when we think of 'what the other is doing' or 'what the other is being'; instead, if a person thinks only ever: "What I am doing and being in this relationship" , then answering this question can only ever actually answer the other. ...That, the real fact is that a person never has any control over any other person. And, with this, the only way to attain anything close to control of others, is actuallly to give up the need to control others and instead, develop control over one's own emotions. ... by which, I don't mean repressing or denying your feelings, but I do mean learning how to combine how you feel with how your partner feels. This gives what is called 'the third opinion', and that is the opinion that holds all the authority and freedom. ...and best of all, if you develop your ability to be in this position, everything follows from there: it all becomes effortless after having done the initial work.

 

[LittleMissMuffet]

...I don't mean to make it sound so easy; and in fact it isn't easy at all to do what I'm saying. (and I'm sure that there are more complicated aspects involved in how to get to doing what I'm suggesting, that I haven't included). So, I don't mean to make it sound easy.

Anyhow, the other thing is that (despite what I leave out in my very basic advice) as a piece of very basic advice -it's great- because the beauty of "being in 2 places at the same time" and acting as your own mediator between 2 sides as a result ....all this means that you won't feel insecure anymore and it allows for clarity as to what is the right thing to do.

And it means that you won't rely anymore on what anyone else tells you ...all of which will be based on their own point of view and personal experience. Instead, you will be deciding 'right' and 'wrong' as it is specifically for you. And this independence of mind is exactly what's needed, since really, 'right' and 'wrong' are all relative ...involving the feelings of two parties or sides put together.

So, developing your ability to put two sides together is in fact the only way to actually find out what is 'right' and what is 'wrong'. There is simply no other way of knowing.

...well, there is much more to it of course, but I only understand so much and my response to your post is pretty basic.

But, one more thing: trust your intuition and trust your emotions. Don't make the mistake of doubting your feelings. ...If others down play your feelings, all you need to know is that "right" and "wrong" are relative measures; and that the only accurate determination of what is "right" and "wrong" is determined by your feelings matched with those of your boyfriend. This 'matching two sides' doesn't involve discounting your side, and could never be achieved by doing so. It has to involve fully accepting all your feelings and then putting these together with how someone else feels.

Any answer that does not consider two sides (of any relationship) in relation to each other can ever provide a moral answer. ....So if you find your self out of balance in your relationship, and 2 sides are no-longer in harmony with each other, you can put the balance back-in by conciously going about making both sides relative to each other.

But NEVER discount how you feel!!!! ....this will only ever add to your troubles. Don't forget ONE SIDE in favor of the other. Only through respecting BOTH sides in relation to each other is EITHER side respected. Or, "The highest good for you is only ever the highest good for another".
It is definetly possible to have a complete and total respect for every one of your feelings, whilst also respecting and seeing another person's feelings. ....that "turning the other cheek" is not an instruction to repress or discount your emotions; and respecting your boyfriend's feelings and your relationship requires fully respecting and accepting all of your feelings. There is nothing 'wrong' or invalid about ANY of your emotions. Accept all of how you feel unconditionally and without judgment. That is the starting point and it is, in my opinion, the first step to being independent in anything. Then can you go about unconditionally accepting another's emotions and through this, deciding what is the 'right' thing, based on a consideration of how both people feel. ...That's a relationship.

But this "being in 2 places at the same time" is a real challenge.


....And now I want to apologise for going on and on so much. And also for being a bit of a 'know-it-all' even. I don't know it all.
But I can empathise with what you are going through.
It isn't easy; that's one thing I know for certain.