qipuqipu
Well-known member
I'm sorry if this post is a bit winding and directionless... this is the only way I can write without making my posts short and emotionless. Hopefully, this will be not *quite* as bland as usual. 
It's a little ironic that I'm posting here at all given the topic I'm writing about; nevertheless, discussing my behaviour on this forum is a good place to start. I signed up here about a year ago (probably more, I forget) after hitting a particularly bad depressive low point. I thought that signing up here would give me the understanding ears I needed to come to terms with myself and start improving. I have, in all honesty, found this site very useful; it's always been there when I'm feeling low, and just reading about the trials of others here gives me a sense of brotherhood that's missing from my daily life.
But as you can tell, I haven't exactly posted much. I have actually gone months without even looking at this site, and when I have been here, my replies have been terse, stifled... barely anything over a few lines, at best. I may have tried to convince myself in the past that my lack of coming here was due to me improving, but in hindsight, I really don't think my levels of anxiety and depression have changed much at all in the last year. Really, I need help now more than ever. Something has been holding me back this whole time and I've failed to appreciate it.
Instead, I've 'played' at it. I may have remembered this place and posted a few times to try and convince myself that I was still participating. This is the point I'm trying to get at - this kind of thing is everywhere in my social life, and I have never known what to do about it. I've maintained a belief that if I go out somewhere occasionally, or go to a party once a year or so, that I'm somehow making progress, whilst really I'm using these things as an excuse to avoid dealing with my problem in a tangible way. I will, on occasion, become aware of this, and like I said, not know how to change.
I'm sick of playing this game. I'm sick of wasting my energy sticking my head in the sand. I need to do something else. The trouble is, I don't think I'm ready to put myself out there yet. For one thing, my personal life is incredibly dull; I'd have nothing to talk to anyone about. I'm really a terrible procrastinator. This is probably a related problem - I 'play' at work in an attempt to avoid it that can never work. I was thinking recently about whether it's better to give up social interaction altogether - not permanently, but long enough for me to see through the fog of anxiety and start living - doing things I actually can do, not those which I can pretend I can do. I'll be able to start accepting myself, start ignoring what others think... all those things I've wished I'd been able to do for years. And I'm feeling quite hopeful about this, because I've been trying it for a short while (okay, like a week ) and already am starting to feel better.
My suspicion is, ironically, giving up working on my social life may the the first step in improving it. I'll stop seeing myself as broken, and start to aquire one of these fabled 'lives' people are always talking about. Admittedly, it'll be entirely private, but I'm an introvert and happy in my own company. And even if I end up lacking in social skills, I'll at least have a foundation, a base to fall back on should things turn sour.
So... has anyone else tried this? Am I totally crazy, or am I maybe onto something?
It's a little ironic that I'm posting here at all given the topic I'm writing about; nevertheless, discussing my behaviour on this forum is a good place to start. I signed up here about a year ago (probably more, I forget) after hitting a particularly bad depressive low point. I thought that signing up here would give me the understanding ears I needed to come to terms with myself and start improving. I have, in all honesty, found this site very useful; it's always been there when I'm feeling low, and just reading about the trials of others here gives me a sense of brotherhood that's missing from my daily life.
But as you can tell, I haven't exactly posted much. I have actually gone months without even looking at this site, and when I have been here, my replies have been terse, stifled... barely anything over a few lines, at best. I may have tried to convince myself in the past that my lack of coming here was due to me improving, but in hindsight, I really don't think my levels of anxiety and depression have changed much at all in the last year. Really, I need help now more than ever. Something has been holding me back this whole time and I've failed to appreciate it.
Instead, I've 'played' at it. I may have remembered this place and posted a few times to try and convince myself that I was still participating. This is the point I'm trying to get at - this kind of thing is everywhere in my social life, and I have never known what to do about it. I've maintained a belief that if I go out somewhere occasionally, or go to a party once a year or so, that I'm somehow making progress, whilst really I'm using these things as an excuse to avoid dealing with my problem in a tangible way. I will, on occasion, become aware of this, and like I said, not know how to change.
I'm sick of playing this game. I'm sick of wasting my energy sticking my head in the sand. I need to do something else. The trouble is, I don't think I'm ready to put myself out there yet. For one thing, my personal life is incredibly dull; I'd have nothing to talk to anyone about. I'm really a terrible procrastinator. This is probably a related problem - I 'play' at work in an attempt to avoid it that can never work. I was thinking recently about whether it's better to give up social interaction altogether - not permanently, but long enough for me to see through the fog of anxiety and start living - doing things I actually can do, not those which I can pretend I can do. I'll be able to start accepting myself, start ignoring what others think... all those things I've wished I'd been able to do for years. And I'm feeling quite hopeful about this, because I've been trying it for a short while (okay, like a week
) and already am starting to feel better.My suspicion is, ironically, giving up working on my social life may the the first step in improving it. I'll stop seeing myself as broken, and start to aquire one of these fabled 'lives' people are always talking about.
Admittedly, it'll be entirely private, but I'm an introvert and happy in my own company. And even if I end up lacking in social skills, I'll at least have a foundation, a base to fall back on should things turn sour.So... has anyone else tried this? Am I totally crazy, or am I maybe onto something?
