Friends

[jmt398]

Well I'm new to the forum and wanted to post about this so here we go. After reading about social anxiety I'm almost 100% I have it. Almost all of the 'situations' described fit me. I guess I'd just like some advice for this situation and others.

To start off I'm 18 years old (19 in December) and currently in my freshman year of college. I noticed feeling left out and was bored all the time throughout my four high school years. I went to school every day, did my work (with the least amount of effort possible) and went home. From my grade school there were at least 12 other guys going to the same HS. My best friend (Greg) was also going there. I wasn't initially nervous about going to high school or anything; mainly because I knew I had my best friend to hang out with and we could make some more friends. Unfortunately by the end of our sophomore year I stopped hanging out with him. He started getting into drugs/drinking with some people and I didn't want to be a part of that.

From then on I didn't do anything on the weekends; wasn't invited to go anywhere etc. I didn't think much of it and it never really bothered me until my senior year. Everyone said it was the best year of high school; have a lot of fun and all of that. I started to notice that every day in homeroom people would ask each other how their weekend was - and if someone actually asked me I wouldn't have anything to say; because I most likely sat at home the entire weekend.

Eventually I became friends with someone (Nick) around New Year’s - we had 3 of the same classes/teachers and 1 class together. We both have a lot of similar interests and we decided to do something for New Year’s. From that point on I talked to him all the time and asked him to do stuff on the weekends and it was really fun. Again after a while I noticed that if I didn't talk to him or ask him to do stuff; he never talked to me. Basically I had to start the conversation or he wouldn't say anything to me. Eventually I stopped putting in effort to talk to Nick and like before, he didn't seem to notice or try and talk to me. On our graduation day I talked to him for a few minutes before we had to lineup and stuff and I got a ride with him to our final fling (over night party thing). After that though it was summer...and he didn't talk to me for about 2 months. I was angry because I wanted him to be my friend and I wanted to be his but all I could see is that he never talks to me or asks me to do anything. Eventually I asked him if I could talk to him about some things and explained how I felt about the situation. Obviously he apologized and stuff but I still can't help but think that he doesn't give a shit. Even after talking to him about it he doesn't really talk to me and didn't say hi over thanksgiving break or anything.

I know deep down I want to be his friend because we get along so easily and have fun...even if it’s just watching some stupid movie. But at the same time every time I think of him makes me want to tell him to fuck off and never talk to me again. I don't know really - I'm afraid that if he does talk to me over the Christmas break he'll assume I'm fine and everything is perfect...

Off that subject, I believe that SA has kept me from a lot of things. Even right now I'm a freshman in college and I don't have my driver’s license. I have taken the test two times and failed; if I take it again and fail I have to take driver's ed....and just knowing that makes me even more embarrassed and nervous. I want to get it very badly so I can drive myself to school along with other things but now even thinking about taking it again makes me unbelievably nervous and scared. And I know that part of my SA is due to not having my license because I'm embarrassed to tell people I don't have my license...even though its not THAT big of a deal...ya its kind of strange but nobody really cares that much.

Anyway if you had the patience to read my little novel thank you I'd appreciate any advice.

 

[scatmantom]

Well In school i was similar..except people used to invite me places and i was too scared to go. SO i spent all my weekends at home with no social interaction. I wish i just forced myself to go out like I do now cos i wouldnt be in this mess today if i took action back then.

Anyway...your friend is probably totally unaware of your feelings. You can talk to him again and hopefully things will be ok.

 

[Chilling__Echo]

hello there jmt398

i'm a sophmore in college now and have delt with more things now that i have before. well for one i just got out of a three year relationship that took up my life so when we broke up i was left with nothing. i had to start all over.

it's hard to make friends in college because most of the time you don't have the same people in your classes and stuff so really the only person you see on a regular basis is your roommate - and that's only if you live on campus.

everyday i worry about the friends i have and if i think i have enough, etc. it's all a part of the anxiety problem i have inside and have to tell myself that so far the world hasn't caved in on me yet so i should be ok - at least until tomorrow :wink:

try joining a club - any club. don't hole yourself up wherever you live. i have to force myself to get out of my dorm room and find things to do. go to the gym, make yourself known.

as for Nick, i guess it's all up to you. some people are like that. they're content with whatever happens leaving all their other friends to take the innitiative. but if he says he wants to be your friend, then i think he's genuine. otherwise he wouldn't bother.

i didn't get my license until i was 18 so don't feel bad. i know exactly how you feel. from the time when i was 16 i watched all my friends get their licenses and wished i had that same drive (sorry for the pun 8) ) all i can tell you is just practice practice practice and relax! when you're taking the test, just remember that the cop or the driver's ed person or whatever probably does this all day and thus is around nervous people all day long. you're not the only one.

take care

 

[Chilling__Echo]

might i also add that everyone agrees that it's hard to meet people in college. everyone's doing their own thing so it's hard to find people with a common ground and time to do anything. but even non-SAers say it's hard.

 

[jmt398]

Well I also realize that this school is about 70% commutor - meaning that 70% of the students drive to school from somewhere every day they have class (it is a 4 year university...just commutor). I have an application into DePaul University in chicago, I didn't apply there earlier because it is expensive and my high school counselor said I'd have better chances at a different university. But after going here for 2 classes during the summer (I'm glad I did....everyday I didn't have class or homework to do I sat around doing nothing...) and this semester...made me realize how much I really DO want to go to DePaul. So my transcripts should get there sometime this week and I will hopefully have an acceptance or (boo!) rejection letter before this fall semester is over. I think having more of an academic challenge at DePaul along with living on campus will help me a lot. One of the main reasons I want to go there (other than the degree programs I want to earn) is because its a fairly large school (over 20,000 students) and they primarily live on campus. Plus from visiting; Chicago looks like a really cool place to be; seems like there would be a lot to do.

As for Nick ~ when we talked before he left for college he did say he wasn't trying to do it on purpose etc and that he wants to be my friend. It just seems like "whats the point of emailing you or being kind to you if you can't even talk to me without me starting the conversation." Its just frustrating because half the time I want to try to explain this more...how I feel and such...but at the same time I feel like he doesn't really care or he responds kindly just to be nice. For example if during the winter break he emails/IMs or calls me...I don't know if I should be receptive or not. I mean yeah, great - I'd love to go hang out with someone and not be bored....but then again I think I've talked to him 2 times (email) and once on the phone to help fix a computer problem his parents were having. I guess I see it as if he assumes I'm 100% OK and nothing is wrong.

Also do you accept the statement from someone "I understand..."? When I was talking to him he said I understand what you are going through or something like that....but honestly - how the hell can you if you don't have SA or something similar?

Also also ( :roll: ) I know driving isn't that big of a deal. I know how to do it and can do it quite well. I know I'm not perfect at it...then again who is? Whats the most irritating thing is that I know its not a huge deal - to me or to the other people in the car with me. I just get so nervous that I'm doing something wrong that I end up doing something wrong... Like the 2nd time I took the test...I didn't use my blinkers when pulling over...something I know to do and I'm quite aware of it...but I was so nervous I forgot to do it.

 

[jmt398]

(If you haven't noticed I usually type a lot lol)

As for some sort of treatment - I'm thinking about taking Zoloft. After the 2nd test I was extremely irritated/angry and my mom noticed and tried talking to me. Long story short I went to get a physical before school started and my mom had told my doctor about how I'd been recently. He asked me how I felt etc and basically said he recommended zoloft. That was about 3 months ago probably but I'm thinking about asking my mom to get the prescription for it.

 

[Chilling__Echo]

hmm getting on meds might be a good idea, what about taking something like xanax for the driving test? i've heard it's good for one time things like that. i'd like to try it but haven't been able to.

i'm thinking about transfering to a new school and getting an apartment. i'll be closer to home and i've got a few friends there but i'm a little afraid to move off campus. i love having people around, even if i don't talk to them. someone's always around. i'm such a people person. sucks to have SA :lol:

i really encourage you to live on campus. it's alot easier to meet people relatively speaking. i mean, it's always hard to meet people in college but being on campus puts you in the middle of things.

about nick, i think you've thought about it too much! no offense, i do it too. i have a fear of abandonment so i look into things way too much. but if he says he does want to be your friend and he does make an effort to talk to you, i say go with it. there might be cercumstances on his end that you may not know about that are the reasons he's so hard to get a hold of.

but good luck with the application - don't stress over it, you've got alot of opportunites ahead of you so it's just trying to make the best of where you are now. i can relate so much because i'm in that same stage right now.

speaking of driving, i got a ticket this weekend. yay :roll: :wink:

 

[jmt398]

Well I'm not too worried about the application itself. I have the required ACT score, my cumulative gpa from highschool was a 2.8 (which meets their requirements) and my summer class GPA was a 3.35. So technically I am accepted simply on grades (that are also improving) and my application 'mini responses' were written quite well. If I do attend DePaul there is no possible way for me to live other than on campus...so that problem is solved by itself...go to depaul and live on campus.

I know I think about it too much and look/read into it too much but it still feels bad. Its not exactly flattering to hang out with someone if they only call you when they are home for a break...which I honestly don't think he will anyway. I wish I could just forget about it all and not linger over it. Similar things have happened with other friends (like Greg) and a few other people...but I never really lingered over it (then again I didn't stop hanging out with him because of drugs and stuff lol). I think if he does decide to talk to me or whatever I might try to explain this better to him now that I know a little more about it.

Whats really frustrating is that a girl from one of my classes wants to hang out sometime...and I realllly want to (I must admit she is very attractive!). I'm just afraid of telling her I don't have my license (yet), I'm sure she'd think its odd but probably wouldn't really care. Again it just goes back to the embarassment issue...

Anyway thanks for the replies - I find it harder to talk to people I know about things like this than complete strangers. (probably because I'll never meet any of you?)

 

[Chilling__Echo]

yeah i hear ya. i'm better with strangers even in social situations too. don't worry about the liscense issue. if nothing else you could lie and say you had it revoked :wink:

but that sounds like a great plan, to hang out with that chick. that chick probably has other friends and you can network. meet anyone and everyone and the more friends you have, the better ones you can come across.

but it sounds like your friend has a lot going on too. if nothing else just knowing you're reading too much into it can help you feel better about the situation. but i'm out of ideas hope things work out in your favor. good luck with the application, sounds good to me too