first visit to this site...god, this sucks!

[flake__]

I can't believe so many people are suffering like i am suffering.

It makes me feel very relieved that this is a known condition...i only found out the term a couple of years ago...and in one way it is such a relief to read all these posts describing someone going through the same absurd thoughts and fears as i have been!

But it also makes me angry that so many people are going through this! I can't believe it...i feel like giving up but if i gave up it's like saying there is no hope for anyone on this site. If you know what i mean.

There MUST be a way to cure this. It's just a stupid phobia. It's just fear. People get over their fears of heights or flying etc etc all the time. It's so sad that people can go through this all their lives..i used to think it was just me, something wrong with me, my personality or something, but since so many other people go through it i realise it isn't that, it's just the fear. It's external. It can affect anyone.

 

[flake__]

Here is my story.
I've had SP since as long as i can remember. I have a twin sister (non-identical), she has mental health problems, as a child she was obsessive, insecure, paranoid...her major obsession has always been our mother, so she cannot take that i exist because i am another daughter and got insanely jealous whenever i received any attention...so she made my life hell when i was younger. Her obsessiveness made her very determined and manipulative. She controlled me and i was terrified of her. Because we're twins we went to school together, same classes, same friends...it was like having a 24 hour bully. If i tried to stand up for myself she would lose control and go into a rage...i was always afraid she would do me serious damage one day, like push me down the stairs..

At 14 i managed to get out of this control, i moved out and stopped talking to her. This is what i had dreamed of all my life, i had thought it would be bliss...but she had given me sociophobia, which didn't go away when she did, cos it was part of me now. I'm 18 now but nothing much has changed since then. I don't really get panic attacks. I blush and stutter a bit sometimes. But this doesn't bother me that much. It's more the failure in social situations and relationships...all the time. I thought i might be autistic or something, cos everyone else seemed to find it so easy and conversation for me seems like a complete mystery. But i realise it's just the fear and lack of confidence...the voice telling me 'you're doing rubbish' all the time. Fear is dehabilating..how can you relax and have fun with that going on in your head? For sociophobics any conversation, social situation, is exhausting, because we're getting the fear and the constant worrying and negative self-assessment, the inferiority complex, that we cannot help and which is just part of the phobia...whereas other people, when they are having a conversation, get the good feelings, the good hormone release or whatever, feel confident/relaxed and so enjoy it....so no wonder we want to cave ourselves up in our rooms whereas they want to go out shopping and partying.

When i was 14, i met this guy who was ridiculously nice and i really liked, and for the first time ever, i enjoyed talking to someone. I guess because i liked him i was for the first time getting the good hormone release, which most people have (to a lesser extent) when talking to friends...and suddenly i wanted to talk! I still had the fear and bad self-esteem, self-assessment, but i enjoyed talking to him so much i wanted to keep seeing him. For the first time i voluntarily put myself in a social situation!

This is my logic anyway. So i am going to try NLP...i am from the UK, i don't know if you have heard of paul mckenna, but i have contacted his team to arrange personal counselling. Don't know how i will afford it but i am determined to try. If anyone can help me with NLP he can!