First time experience with OCD Partner... I need answers!

[moony]

Hi all,

This is my first time posting here... thanks in advance to anyone who reads this and has any insight because I am totally at a loss for answers.

I was dating someone for a few months, but prior to this, we had been very close friends... our relationship escalated so quickly, and we were amazed that we had actually 'found each other'.

I'm not someone who over reacts or is a blinded romantic, but I really felt closer to him than anyone I had ever met in my life. It was an amazing relationship... and from what I gathered, he felt exactly the same about me. We always called each other our "twin" because we could actually read each other's minds and feel each other when we were not even present.

He confided in me one night that he has OCD. Incessant hand washing (which improved upon a bit... at least in my presence he never did this) INTENSE fear of blood and the ground, feet, dog poo on the ground, fears in social situations, deeply afraid of HIV or giving anyone any disease, causing harm to others... I was the only person outside of his immediate family who knew of this... he was so ashamed, but I'm glad he felt he could trust me with this. Over the course of time, I found he was desperately afraid of contamination by keeping his cell phone in plastic, coming home from work and having his ritual time to decontaminate... I only know the word "ritual" from all of the research I've done on OCD at this point.

I was of the thought that we were going to rocket to the moon together in love... Everything was so beautiful with us...

And then he just cut it off.

I knew that it had to do with OCD, but I am completely open to accepting that perhaps he was just a 29 year old man who became "afraid of commitment" and I'm just flattering myself thinking it's not me, it's the OCD...

He all of a sudden refuses to talk to me, and finally one of my text messages was that I just wanted to know he was okay. He mentioned quite robotically that he was okay, but needed time alone to regain energy and clarity.

I kind of flipped out needing an explanation, and the more I flipped out (raised my voice, became angry, bossy, cried, slammed doors --- behavior I am not proud of... but common, I believe during moments of intense frustration) he became more "catatonic"---the only way I can explain.

Basically, he kept saying "I don't know, but I cannot be romantically involved with you anymore, I don't know why, I need time, I need space to sort this out"... He also mentioned he is "empty" and he can't make himself love me anymore.

I keep going over things I may have done that bothered him, put my jeans on the floor before bed and put them on the next day? Kept our condoms in a wooden box next to my bed, and there were coins in the box too... (he's also afraid of cash, being dirty), allowed my cats on my bed and he's afraid of feet...

I mean... all these things, coins and condoms, jeans on the floor and cats snuggling in my bed all seem normal to me, and I keep beating myself up about it thinking "if only I was more aware or sensitive to his fears"

The only thing I can think of is that he broke it off 2 days after the cats came to my house. Was this that pushed it over the edge or is he just a guy afraid to commit?

I sent him about 8 emails and text messages, most being supportive... I am here for you, we can just relax and go for a walk alone tonight instead of a New Years party, you can just sit in silence with me and look into my eyes if you just "need someone"... one was not so nice, blaming him that he is involved with another woman.

I am just totally hurt and confused.

Should I continue to reach out? I don't want to lose him because I love him so so much. But I don't know if it is best just to leave him alone and just accept it's over. I feel inside it is painful for him to let me go, but it's out of his control.

I feel like he's choosing fear over love.

Anyone have any advice?

Thank you so much, I know this was a novel to read...

 

[paulmm]

first of all, you seem like the kind of person that can genuinely accept a person's ocd, which is definitely a step in the right direction.

chances are, he became overwhelmed by his ocd from something that had to do with being with you (be it your bed, the box of condoms, the cats, the jeans on the ground). remember that its not your fault, you clearly did nothing intentional.

what you should know about ocd is that the fear and anxiety is so intense that make huge life-altering decisions based on an obsession or compulsion is easy for someone with ocd because the other option would go against the obsession/compulsion, and for people with ocd, this is OUT OF THE QUESTION.

if i were you, id treat him like any other person you are romantically involved with. continue to pursue him if that is what you would normally do. he probably feels disgusted that he confided in you because most people with ocd are disgusted by their ocd. let him know that youre ok with it, ask him what you can do to help, and dont make him feel like youre treating him differently because of his ocd.

hes probably just as hurt as you are that he had to cut off the relationship, but ocd is overwhelmingly powerful. people with ocd feel like they NEED to go through with compulsions. sometimes the NEED to do so is stronger than the NEED to breathe or do other actual necessities.

one way i like to describe a compulsion is that if somebody started having a heart attack right infront of you, you would feel "compelled" to help them. just standing there and watching them die is a similar feeling to what it feels like to not perform a compulsion.

hope that helps - for the record, we might seem crazy, and we kind of are, but were actually all pretty normal deep down haha

 

[moony]

Thanks Paulmm...

Sure, sure you're normal. :lol: Just kidding...

No, of course I know he is completely amazing. I always tried to tell him it was no big deal to me --- his fears. We can deal with whatever we have to deal with and that I have things about me to that I am not happy with.

I do recall that I went to visit my sister before Christmas, and she has been having some problems lately... she's always been an organized neat freak, but it apparently has become so bad that her psychiatrist is in fear of her being close to developing OCD because of her various behaviors and patterns. I didn't tell her about my boyfriend's OCD because he seemed SO afraid of people knowing... however my sister had not reached that phase, so I told my boyfriend over the phone this news, thinking it would put him at ease... like "see, a lot of people have this, you're not alone" but on the contrary, he became very quiet saying, "I cannot believe you'll have 2 people in your life with OCD, it's going to drain you" And I just said "oh please, I can handle anything that comes my way..." and then tried to just make a light joke saying ... "you callin me a weakling big guy?"

Basically... I am really worried about him... if he honestly just wanted to break up just because of whatever... it's cool, but I suspect there's something terrible happening inside of him... and I just don't know if I should keep reaching out... is that helping him or making it worse?

I wrote him a text message earlier that said "Get some good sleep tonight, Sending you love"... but unsure if that made him feel good or escalated his freak out session...

Anyhow, another novel, I know, sorry...

I appreciate your reply very much, thanks! 8)

 

[Musicocd]

First of all I'm very sorry for what you are going through, it can't be nice.

It sounds to be, but be aware I am no expert on the matter, that his ocd is beginning to make him depressed. You say he mentioned "empty", feelings of emptiness and helplessness are common in depression.

I do not think that you caused his ocd to get worse. Although he told you about his ocd, there are probably many more obsessions and compulsions that he did not tell you about. For instance, I tell my friends that my ocd means I wash my hands a lot and I have a fear of germs. What I do not tell them is the hours I spend worrying, doubting, convincing myself I've infected someone or that I haven't locked my door, avoiding numbers etc etc. We are so ashamed of our behaviors that we learn to hide them from the world.

When ocd gets bad it is the the complete inability to do anything else that makes us withdraw. It's not because he doesn't want to see you, it's just that it takes so much effort to get through the day he just can't deal with it at the moment. Ocd is also VERY distressing for people who are close to the sufferer. Watching them suffer and not being able to do anything to help can be distressing.

I would keep trying with him, because sometimes when a person withdraws and says they're fine and they don't need help they're lying. What they need most is a true friend.

 

[moony]

Thanks Musicocd,

He told me directly he knows that he is sinking into a depression and all he wants to do is sleep... this was after he broke it off, and was sitting on my couch staring into space for a good hour and a half.

By any chance, according to your name, are you a musician? He mentioned to me that many people who have OCD are musicians... he is classically trained since age 5.

Anyhow, thanks for the advice, I think I will keep lightly reaching out... I just don't want to smother or worry him, but I also don't want him to think he is alone... it's so hard, because if he really just "broke up with me" I should really spend this time nurturing my own heart and move ahead with my life. er, ugh! Why is life so damn complicated!!

 

[Musicocd]

It's probably the ability to focus on one thing that makes many people with ocd good musicians, and of course if your mind is 'flawed' in one area it's likely to be better in another.

I've never been classically trained and cannot read music particularly well but I can listen to pieces and play them back almost perfectly - but not instantly, I have to work at it, picking out each individual note, a skill which my music teachers were astounded I had when I had not been trained. When I play it feels like the music comes from the same place in my mind and brain that the obsessions come from, I don't know if that makes sense, but it does to me!

Music is an escape for many with ocd. When I play piano or sing I find my ocd almost completely disappears for the duration of the song - it's just me and the music, nothing else.

But I always wonder - do I have this gift because of ocd? - was I born like this and it is my ocd that makes me a good musician. Or do I have ocd because of this gift? - Have hours of practicing made me more obsessive than I would be if I had not begun playing piano.

 

[AvinaKo]

like "see, a lot of people have this, you're not alone" but on the contrary, he became very quiet saying, "I cannot believe you'll have 2 people in your life with OCD, it's going to drain you" And I just said "oh please, I can handle anything that comes my way..." and then tried to just make a light joke saying ... "you callin me a weakling big guy?"

From that, I'm pretty sure he feels guilty about having OCD. If you were with him all the time and did a few things he may be displeased with (coins, cats, feet, stuff you mentioned), he'd most likely get mad and just kind of take it out on you-- and that's probably one of the last things he wants to happen... And having another person like that in your life? You probably would have an awful time in regards to handling it. (I'm just taking this from how I feel, I'd act the same way if I were in his situation.)

Anyway, I reckon you ought to talk to him about his OCD- figure out exactly what he doesn't/does like and that way, if you remember [it can be hard, I know >>;;], you can avoid him having to worry about you feeling upset with him due to something he doesn't have a lot of control over. Force him to talk with you. :3

 

[moony]

AvinaKo,

Thank you so much for your insight...it really helps to know what you would think or do having OCD as well, because I am totally in the dark here... I wish I could force him to talk to me... but he's really just climbed into a cave and won't come out...

I just don't want to make it worse by being forceful, but I'm confused if that's perhaps what he needs... for someone to force him back out into the light... I just don't want to make things bad for him...

Whenever he mentioned something that freaked him out before, I've always been really cool about it, like... sure, we can go through a different subway entrance because you see some red liquid on the ground that could or could not be blood... I always was super easy about it, like don't worry, so what we cross the street and go through the other side, no worries...and then I read that this behavior of appeasing his rituals and fears is actually hindering him rather than helping him...

On the flip side...what if he thinks I am contaminated now, and this is why he ran away from me... do I just let it go as it's hopeless now?

Does OCD ever get better?

OR... maybe he's just a dude that doesn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore... I mean... that could be true too.

I just don't know if I should just let it go or not...

I just want him to be safe though.

 

[Musicocd]

Perhaps try going to a therapist for his ocd together. Or a support group together. That way you can both work out how to work around his ocd adn you'll both learn more about it in the process.
Just a suggestion!

 

[apple85]

i also have OCD and although it is kind of embarrasing and others have caught me doing my "rituals" and ridiculed me for it at uni, i never got so ashamed of it that I would break off a relationship over it, especially one with someone who I had already told all about my ocd and managed to confide in. It sounds like your ex may have suffered from being disgusted with his condition in a way I never was. He needs to learn not to be ashamed, its weakness to think like that.. I can understand why you think he is choosing fear over love.
Some people are just unable to sustain relationships and would be that way regardless of any OCD. If he has managed to confide in you then I cant understand why he would suddenly get all worried about it break it off, I think there may have been another reason behind him breaking up with you. He has treated you pretty badly anyway and there is no point going over what you may have done or not done to put him off. If it really bothers you ask him directly about the cats and if it put him off. But dont expect any straight answers he is not on a level playing field and does not seem to be playing by the rules-its courteous to at least give some kind of explanation. But he seems to be conducting this relationship with all the tact of an elephant and the emotional maturity of a 10 yr old. Id say leave him and make sure you tell him that hes missed his only chance to be happy. After all who else is going to tolerate and understand his odc like you do? 8)

 

[paulmm]

When I was reading your second post Moony, I too was going to suggest that he might be slipping into depression. His comment that having two people in your life having OCD might be distressing to you is a direct sign of depression - what he is probably trying to do is get you to realize how distressing it is to him by letting you know how distressing it will be to you.

I know you don't want to smother him, but it sounds like he really wants to talk about it - this is another common symptom of depression - wanting to talk about your issues and get sympathy. However, I wouldnt push it because you're right, that could push him away. I would just leave it an open option for him. Continue sending him little text messages if you tihnk he is slipping into a dangerous depression because the reminder that someone cares about you can be extremely helpful in managing depression.

 

[yayooxy]

I have ocd also and its not you its just that he is embarrased to tell you about the contamination.....trust me its not you..... money is so disgusting and i make my bf wash his hands and feet b4 even coming in my house....good luck just tell him youll adapt to his regimine and it will work trust mee;;

 

[AvinaKo]

On the flip side...what if he thinks I am contaminated now, and this is why he ran away from me... do I just let it go as it's hopeless now?

Does OCD ever get better?

OR... maybe he's just a dude that doesn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore... I mean... that could be true too.

I just don't know if I should just let it go or not...

I just want him to be safe though.

You're welcome.
If he does think you're contaminated, which I really hope isn't the case, then it'll probably be awfully hard to de-contaminate your house, you, whatever he thinks about you is contaminated. You should ask him, flat-out (but don't be mean about it :3), if that's the case. However, I'm thinking he's more likely feeling guilty because two people around you have OCD.

OCD does get better, sometimes, or it can change... Like, his current OCD may turn into another kind of OCD- like counting, paranoid thoughts, etc.

 

[moony]

Hi all, I went offline for a couple of days, but I really want you to know how much I appreciate your thoughts and words... I do go between wanting to reach out, being angry/hurt, being worried...I think I am going to write him an email tonight... I was out tonight and a lot of our mutual friends asked where he was lately (they are friends from an activity we do together, so not like...super childhood friends), and how he is doing... and I just really don't know what to say...I told them we broke up, and everyone sounded shocked... and I don't really know what to say, "yeah, things just didn't work out" because I don't want to give any impression that he's not doing okay. It's a touchy subject obviously...

Anyhow, thank you for all of your insights and kind words and supports... If you ever have any questions about how a partner may perceive something not having ocd in a relationship with you... don't ever hesitate to PM me anytime.

 

[yayooxy]

I have ocd also and its not you its just that he is embarrased to tell you about the contamination.....trust me its not you..... money is so disgusting and i make my bf wash his hands and feet b4 even coming in my house....good luck just tell him youll adapt to his regimine and it will work trust mee;;

If you ever need to talk or ask questions im here anytime. :!:

 

[mhx]

Hi Moony,
Obviously, you never know for sure what another person is thinking, but I had this exact same situation with girlfriend (now wife of 10 years). She had no clue until I finally got up the nerve to tell her. She was very understanding which in turn (looking back) opened up my vulnerability even more. After that I didn't have as much will-power to fight my urges which fed my compulsions into a spiral downhill. If you are able to mend the relationship, I would say keep being as supportive as you have been, but don't cater his obsessions and feed the beast.

Just a suggestion - send him this blog. It has just laid out all of your questions and concerns wonderfully and it could help him to hear from others who have thoughts just like him. Good Luck.

 

[moony]

Thanks MHX... I'm still really worried about him, he stopped communication with all of our friends, and they continuously ask me if I spoke to him... I just keep saying he's really busy with work, and needed time away from everything, so just to give him some space and time... and I act like I'm being all cool and everything is cool... but then it is totally eating me up inside... I've written him one email per week for the last month and sent him a few text messages... and NOTHING. No reply, no nothing...

I keep asking him for answers though... like WHY he cut me out, WHY he won't answer anyone else's emails etc... and I don't know if I am making it worse for him...

I just don't know what to do still.

I want to give him space, but I don't want to think he needs someone and is too ashamed to ask... and also, because all of this sometimes I get really angry and think... maybe he's just a lying jerk and he's using this all as an excuse....

All in all, I'm finding it a bit hard to move on, because I always want to be this "care taker"... and I know that's probably a whole issue of mine to come to terms with. :lol: Why are people so damn complex?

Anyhow, thanks for your reply,

nighty night...