freakerz
New member
After looking at several disorders, I think I've narrowed it down to three. Antisocial, Social Anxiety and Avoidant.
I don't know how long this post will be, kind of a self biography, luckily I'm 22 so I don't have much to say.
Let's start in high school, primary school went fine and was awesome. Primary school were the best years of my life so far.
As I started high school, my mom got me my first computer. I remember playing Worms and NFS1 on a friend's computer... Great time!
In high school I was not the best student, talked a lot during class, participated in all sports, loved to run and still love it. Nothing like running with just your clothes, free. No wallet or keys, just yourself and nature.
My favorite classes were maths, physical education, french (for the debates) and social studies. I still love maths, sports, finances and debates/politics. I'm now somewhat advanced with computers, master at searching, love to learn anything and nothing.
Back to high school, my grades weren't great because I did not try to get good grades... I just did not care. I do regret it now!
At the time I did socialize a lot, but did not have friends. Outside school I never played with people or hang out... it's just so hard to maintain a discussion when you're not that motivated or just black out your knowledge/subjects.
I know I can probably date any girl, I do have self confidence, but I lack empathy. I can't identify emotions one feels. Therefore, I can only feel awkwardness when I talk/relate to someone.
Also, last year I noticed how much I talked about myself or even hijacked discussions to be the subject. Now that I've worked on that issue and that it's fixed, meaning I can balance how much I talk about myself and ask questions to the participant so he can talk about himself, I'm trying to feel emotions.
The only emotions I feel are fear. Fear of death, fear of isolation and fear of being alone. I just can't stand to be alone anymore. I'm trying to take control of my life from my daemons. Thing is, I like my daemons and am trying to live in peace with them. Classical and dance music seem to do the trick, I can control my violent reactions or thoughts. No more road rage, patience has increased by 500% and I am not stressed anymore, except for my mom, which is probably the cause of all this.
Anyhow, at my high school prom, I did a cap of speed, best thing in my life. That's the best moment in my life. The trip was insane, we were like 200 people in a secured camp, nothing else to do but socialize. And boy did I socialize. Told every girl I ever had a crush on that I did have a crush on, except one, which I regret because now it's too late and now she knows and told me it was too late.. still trying to find an old crush.. very special girl..
Note that prior to the prom, I told my high school "friends" to fuck off because they were just nerds and hypocrites, all were geniuses but so geek and nerd that I blame them for my unsocial high school life. I do realize now that I am the one to blame.
So I chose Computer Science in college, Networking. That went well, socialized without a problem, during class hours. Outside school, same story, no friends. The college went bankrupt during the 2nd year of my diploma. I tried to go to public school to finish this diploma, but the programs were different so I had to do some classes a second time. That was it.
I dropped out and signed up for a welding/assembly course. Best choice of my life to date. In that year and a half, I was grounded. No more computer geeks/freaks, just normal people. Interested in the same things, to have fun while studying. We did not hang out, but we did go play pool and help each other out outside school hours.
Now here I am, 22, signed up for a human sciences diploma (specializing in administration) in college to go to university probably in mathematics if all goes well. I'm still 24/7 on a computer, even my job is related to computers.
Symptoms? Well let's see.
- Relief when an event is canceled.
- Guts to drive 2 hours to a party, but turn around a corner from arrival because of fear of rejection (awkward discussions since I can't relate to people emotionally).
- No attachment to money, I spend my paycheck as soon as I receive it. Buy gifts >300$ to my parents, grand-parents. Spent 600$ on a ring for my gf at 19.. I currently have a savings account though, hopefully I don't empty that!
- Never went to a bar or a club. I don't know how to dance, or so I think. Fear of rejection I'm guessing.
- As for violence, I do think about it a lot, most times it turns around the mother or criminals. Wouldn't mind killing rapists and pedophiles or drunk drivers. (kind of like Dexter, for those who know him)
- I do have self-confidence, when I'm with people, I feel superpowered, I will engage discussions, debates, events, anything really.. kind of like a second personality it's quick insane.. that's why I'm "popular" socially I guess.. but I can't keep up the relationships, it's always one-time deals with people.
I don't know how long this post will be, kind of a self biography, luckily I'm 22 so I don't have much to say.
Let's start in high school, primary school went fine and was awesome. Primary school were the best years of my life so far.
As I started high school, my mom got me my first computer. I remember playing Worms and NFS1 on a friend's computer... Great time!
In high school I was not the best student, talked a lot during class, participated in all sports, loved to run and still love it. Nothing like running with just your clothes, free. No wallet or keys, just yourself and nature.
My favorite classes were maths, physical education, french (for the debates) and social studies. I still love maths, sports, finances and debates/politics. I'm now somewhat advanced with computers, master at searching, love to learn anything and nothing.
Back to high school, my grades weren't great because I did not try to get good grades... I just did not care. I do regret it now!
At the time I did socialize a lot, but did not have friends. Outside school I never played with people or hang out... it's just so hard to maintain a discussion when you're not that motivated or just black out your knowledge/subjects.
I know I can probably date any girl, I do have self confidence, but I lack empathy. I can't identify emotions one feels. Therefore, I can only feel awkwardness when I talk/relate to someone.
Also, last year I noticed how much I talked about myself or even hijacked discussions to be the subject. Now that I've worked on that issue and that it's fixed, meaning I can balance how much I talk about myself and ask questions to the participant so he can talk about himself, I'm trying to feel emotions.
The only emotions I feel are fear. Fear of death, fear of isolation and fear of being alone. I just can't stand to be alone anymore. I'm trying to take control of my life from my daemons. Thing is, I like my daemons and am trying to live in peace with them. Classical and dance music seem to do the trick, I can control my violent reactions or thoughts. No more road rage, patience has increased by 500% and I am not stressed anymore, except for my mom, which is probably the cause of all this.
Anyhow, at my high school prom, I did a cap of speed, best thing in my life. That's the best moment in my life. The trip was insane, we were like 200 people in a secured camp, nothing else to do but socialize. And boy did I socialize. Told every girl I ever had a crush on that I did have a crush on, except one, which I regret because now it's too late and now she knows and told me it was too late.. still trying to find an old crush.. very special girl..
Note that prior to the prom, I told my high school "friends" to fuck off because they were just nerds and hypocrites, all were geniuses but so geek and nerd that I blame them for my unsocial high school life. I do realize now that I am the one to blame.
So I chose Computer Science in college, Networking. That went well, socialized without a problem, during class hours. Outside school, same story, no friends. The college went bankrupt during the 2nd year of my diploma. I tried to go to public school to finish this diploma, but the programs were different so I had to do some classes a second time. That was it.
I dropped out and signed up for a welding/assembly course. Best choice of my life to date. In that year and a half, I was grounded. No more computer geeks/freaks, just normal people. Interested in the same things, to have fun while studying. We did not hang out, but we did go play pool and help each other out outside school hours.
Now here I am, 22, signed up for a human sciences diploma (specializing in administration) in college to go to university probably in mathematics if all goes well. I'm still 24/7 on a computer, even my job is related to computers.
Symptoms? Well let's see.
- Relief when an event is canceled.
- Guts to drive 2 hours to a party, but turn around a corner from arrival because of fear of rejection (awkward discussions since I can't relate to people emotionally).
- No attachment to money, I spend my paycheck as soon as I receive it. Buy gifts >300$ to my parents, grand-parents. Spent 600$ on a ring for my gf at 19.. I currently have a savings account though, hopefully I don't empty that!
- Never went to a bar or a club. I don't know how to dance, or so I think. Fear of rejection I'm guessing.
- As for violence, I do think about it a lot, most times it turns around the mother or criminals. Wouldn't mind killing rapists and pedophiles or drunk drivers. (kind of like Dexter, for those who know him)
- I do have self-confidence, when I'm with people, I feel superpowered, I will engage discussions, debates, events, anything really.. kind of like a second personality it's quick insane.. that's why I'm "popular" socially I guess.. but I can't keep up the relationships, it's always one-time deals with people.
