Fighting against What I've been Conditioned to

[lassokid]

I just realized that I'm quite uncomfortable with silence. There are a few reasons for that, but I used to have a roommate in college, and when he was silent, 99% of the time was because he was angry at me. It was like if we didn't talk with each other in two hours, something was goin bad. I think he had some major issues because he even woke me up while I was sleepin' and told me how I have wronged him. It was all in his head really. Long story short, I had to switch roommates because I didn't feel safe.

The problem is that with my current roommates, I feel that they are angry at me if I feel that they are too quiet. I know I'm most likely wrong but it feels like there's a 5-ton rock chained around my heart. It feels heavy. Because they are quiet at times, it makes me afraid to talk to them because I hope I'm not the reason for their silence. I feel that they will use my words against them, as if I will be unleashing Pandora's box.

I think the past has a lot to do with this. My parents used to tell me that I should speak more because by being quiet, I was giving off the aura of unfriendliness. So I talked more. The thing is that I feel I can speak more than "normal" people at times, asking them questions one on one; however, in retrospect, the reason I'm asking them questions is because I'm afraid of being quiet or appearing unfriendly, not because I want to know more about them. Since we pretty much have to interact with people everyday, this "conditioning" and "routine" really wears me out.

I just want to me quiet without feeling like I'm being unfriendly and I want others to be quiet without feeling that they are secretly pissed at me. Something I hate is that this conditioning makes me judgmental against others who are quiet, even "normal" people. I try hard to stop it, but I hate how its just in the back of my mind.

 

[Marletta]

Someone once told me that the trick is not to give a **** what others are thinking about you. More than likely, you are not even on the radar. Easy to say, hard to do.
I have gotten a lot of feedback about my "percieved" attitude over the years. I am quiet just like you. People think I'm pissed off hence making me unapproachable. You know why? Not because I was quiet but because I have a pissed off look on my face. I am usually thinking about something. That doesn't matter. Human's are visual people. They go by visual clues. If you don't have some big happy freakin' smile on your face they automatically think there is something wrong or you are in a bad mood. It's kind of screwed up but that is the way I have learned that it works.