Feeling very anxious over daughter`s impending birthday

[Jovana]

My problem is this: My daughter will be turning 3 in a few weeks.
My social phobia was so bad last year that my mother had to give
my daughter her birthday party. I`m hoping that I can
do it for her this time. To be honest, any social situation makes
me extremely anxious. I should be thrilled that my daughter will be
turning 3, but I`m a bundle of nerves.

Can anyone else relate to what I am going through? Are there other
parents out there who have social phoiba? I feel as if I`m the
only mother in the world with this condition. It makes me feel
very isolated and ashamed. Have tried medications in the past but
they never helped my phobia? Have seen therapists but have only
become worse as the years go by.

Please understand that I do not wish to complain, I`m just feeling
very anxious. Since noone else in my family has social phobia they
have no trouble dealing with everyday life.

Any comment would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time.

Jovana

 

[MissTagomi]

Hi, Jovana. I have a 6-month old and I am a bit new to all this, but what I can tell you is that I have experienced something like social inadequacy rather than fobia in parent and baby groups already. To the point where I feel people are looking at me thinking: "What on earth...?" And all because I can't take part in conversations where everything revolves around nappies, teething, colic, breastfeeding... (I think it's important to know about all that, but there's more to life than that too!!!). And I'm not a natural either... so I don't try to be what I'm not.

Because I can't talk, participate with the same enthusiasm and verbal intensity as some people, I remain quiet or, even worse, I avoid those situations completely...

Maybe it's because I'm a little anarchic in the way I do things and I don't like following rules....

But I remember the week the baby was born I asked for a week of non-visits, at least from people I don't feel very close to, and after this they took offence and they've... well, they've disappeared. Who was wrong? Me or them? I didn't think it was so unusual or unreasonable to ask for a week of privacy to try to take things easy. But they thought differently and it seems sometimes what others think dictates the way we end up being... not ourselves.

My question here would be: how can I avoid excluding my daughter from social situations just because I am not people-driven myself? How can I stop her feeling my own anxiety in those situations? I don't want her to become "MissTagomi II".

 

[Anonymous]

Hi, Jovana:
I have the very same problem. I never tought that somebody could feel the same stupid feeling. Well, now I see we are at least two.
Let me tell you that my baby is gonna turn 2 in September, and I am very afraid to give a party. I´m looking for excuses, because I think that my husband isn´t going to undestand. I have told him that I feel bad when I´m among a group of people, but he just can´t get it, he even gets angry when I talk about it.
Well, tell me if you are gonna give a party, and if you do, please let me know how it went, ok?

 

[LEXUS]

You are not alone here: there are a lot of people with the same problem like us, but probably they don't now it, or we don't percieve it.

Misstagomi: My mother had always problems to make friends and to speak with people, and I inherited it. I'm now social phobic. You have to know that childrens learns from his parents conduct, so I learnt this from my mother. I recomend you to end with your social phobia, do it for your kids. Go to a good psychologist, specialized in Social Phobia.
A good tip: Don't obsses you with the idea that your kids can inherite your phobia, this negative mind only makes things worse. Have always positive minds.

regards

 

[MissTagomi]

Lexus: I appreciate your advice. However, my experience of psychologists/psychiatrists started a very long time ago and it was the darkest episode in my whole life (thanks to them). Glad I haven't seen one for about 12 years (and once I counted them and there were about 13 different ones). Now I can handle my messy life on my own most of the time and it's great and a lot cheaper...

I'm sure there are lots of people out there that feel they have a lot to be thankful for when talking about the practitioners of this "science". I'm not one of them.

I know only too well that parents can and do transfer to their children their fears and insecurities, hence my question. And there may be many solutions or ways to tackle this but a shrink is not the one for me.

To tell the truth: I had never heard the term "social phobia" before and I don't consider myself a social phobic. I think I am someone that gets very, very nervous in certain social entourages and has a massive problem to be herself in those situations, to communicate my deepest, truest thinking and feeling anywhere and anyhow, without "fear".....

 

[Anonymous]

Hi MissTagomi,
I just wanted to let you know that it's not really called social phobia anymore, it's called social anxiety, and it sounds like this is exactly what you have. It's a form of generalized anxiety. My husband and I are trying to get pregnant, and I've worried about this specific issue (giving b-day parties, dealing with other parents, etc.). I suggest you go to www.socialanxietyinstitute.org to learn more about it. There's a fantastic series of tapes that the doctor (Dr. Richards) who runs the Social Anxiety Institute has created. I've used the tapes and they've really helped with my social anxiety. Good luck! I wish you all the best.

 

[MissTagomi]

Thanks, Turtlelady.

I will most definitely be doing some research on Dr Richards. What has helped me the most in the past is hypnotherapy and I did use some tapes that worked miracles (temporarily). I think you're meant to use them constantly to keep the self-motivation levels up, to have a "voice" that boosts your confidence day in day out.

I think the term "social anxiety" describes better my difficulty to establish and sustain interpersonal relationships. You only have to look at the word itself: ANXIETY... and then re-read your post. You are only at the "planning to get pregnant" stage (unless you have other children) and you are already worrying about birthday parties and meeting/talking to other parents. There is that sense of anticipation (with a negative tinge always) to not be able to "funcion" socially... And maybe if we could only stop ourselves from imagining scenarios and situations that intimidate us, half the problem would be solved. But it's so difficult to stop the pre-thinking and imagining ourselves THERE!

 

[faeryqueen]

I am so social phobic I have to severley force myself to walk to the mailbox or go outside thinking someone will stop me to say hello or judge me. My doctor is trying different meds and so far it seems worse. Any suggestions?