Feeling Overwhelmed with my Life

[Cetnien]

This is selfish but I don't know how I feel right now because I'm going through a lot right now. Everyone in life has their own struggles but I haven't been reaching out to anyone in a very long time. I've been trying to listen to people's advice but I worry so much to the point I can't even focus on my thoughts. So much is happening that I feel like I'm losing my actual well-being. I've been pleasing everyone and in the end I can't seem to see my own situation. I've dealt with compressing my anger because of my past experiences in school and haven't tried to get mad at anyone because I don't want to hurt their feelings and get people the wrong idea about me. But I've been carelessly hurting them sub-consciously. But I've put myself in a situation where everyone thinks I've gone crazy and probably have...because I've been believing everyone's opinions and not accepting my own because I feel that it will get me in trouble. I've been very angry with my father being completely negative about our life's situation but I'm worried that now he's having a terrible time; and his drinking doesn't help. But part of it is because I got a delinquent brother in jail that I got trouble with relating to talk to and a Sister that self doubts herself. I also haven't been talking with a counselor about any of my issues. I keep feeling like I'm attached to my father because he's my safe zone but there's parts of him that I do not like about him. I been getting the feeling that he doesn't know what's wrong with me anymore and no one does because I feel overwhelmed with my thoughts. I feel always down because I don't know what to talk about with anyone. I've been isolated for so long, I've probably mentioned to people that I've got autism but I've been self-rejecting myself. All I've been trying to do is run away from my problems because I'm terrified to face them and don't know of the outcome. For the last while, all I feel is self-pleasure to help me escape but I know everyone is feeling pain and don't know how to move forward. I believe going out to a road trip on my own without planning it in advance and getting lost countless times and getting sleep deprived has thrown me over the deep end. My uncle is a firefighter and I don't think he enjoyed having me for most of the time because he's got enough of his own issues to deal with... I feel I cannot organize my thoughts because i cannot sleep. I was planning to do a speech for a celebration of life that my half sister was doing for my mom but i don't think i really wanted to go through with it. Most of my family didn't go because they thought it was weird and I believe that my mom wouldn't of wanted me to go...possibly she stopped me. Part of me wanted to go there because I was running back to my past life but... my family is falling apart and I don't know how to help them because I cannot help myself right now. I don't know how to bring my family closer and everyone's been telling me to let people know what's wrong with me but I cannot seem to grasp it. At this point I need professional help, because I cannot seem to enjoy life at all anymore. And I really don't know where to begin on helping myself.

 

[James_phobic]

I figure this is more you thinking out loud, than wondering anything specifically, and that's cool. I hear you. Be sure to look into professional help, as you say. I think it would be a powerful first step. There are people out there who understand, and life can be enjoyable again - I think more than anything we've got to believe that.