Feeling guilty (a rant)

[homebird86]

Sorry it long but i needed to get it out my system.

Yesterday me and my boyfriend went out to a work do the problem was that i didnt know anyone but i feel awkward at parties anyway when i do know people in the room.

So the night before i mentioned to my boyfriend that i wasnt too keen on going and that i was feeling anxious and stressed out about going and he kept reassuring me that everything would be ok and that his friends were nice. The problem is that hes confident and will talk to anyone.

Anyway we got to the party and everyone was friendly until his best mates from work came over and it was like he changed personality he was being really friendly with them and chattin to them and joking with them making me feel like i didnt need to be there. And when they did speak to me they were right in my face and kept telling me i should drink and i was boring bcoz i didnt.
I'm probably being paranoid too as i keep waiting for him to dump me anyway, one of his mates is a woman and i was watching them and they were having a laugh and they were staring into each others eyes and leaning into each other and he was payin more attention to her.

I guess it was more the way he looked so happy and then when we got home he changed yet again and was annoyed with me that i didnt want to be there and that all he wanted to do was have fun, i keep thinking maybe he'd be better off without me i know he says he loves me but something just didnt feel right when we got home he said "i shouldnt have to look after you we should be able to go out and have fun"
I just keep feeling guilty that i ruined his night out and will until i get myself sorted out.

I'd like some opinions do you think i'm overreacting and shouldnt feel upset or has this happened to anyone else?? any comments would be fantastic as i'm driving myself insane thinking it over.

 

[Syloko]

Hi homebird,

How long have you two been together?
It is very difficult to make comments on this because we don't fully know your partners side of the story.
Does your partner know about your anxieties?

Drunk people hate it when other people do not drink, just ignore that comment.

Why do you feel uncomfortable in situations like this?

Sorry I have only replied by bombarding you with questions :lol:

 

[homebird86]

Hi, no its fine.
We've been together about 6 months now, and yes he does know about my anxieties i'm really shy anyway and he knows i find it difficult to chat to people like he does. Also i think one factor is he's 35 and i'm 21 and i would say compared to him i've lived more of a sheltered life but then i guess i am just starting my life really.

I feel uncomfortable bcoz i'll admit i do worry about what people are thinking about me and i'm really rubbish at making conversations so theres always the silence and then people looking uninterested and walking off which was what happened last time at a party i went to b4 he went off to the loo and his mates walked off leaving me alone feeling uncomfortable and in a way humiliated as the only person who would talk to me was the barwoman coz she saw i was upset and alone.
i've always felt uncomfortable around people since i was younger and its something i seemed to have got over and then gone 10 steps back to feel anxious and not sleeping and feeling ill just thinking about having to go to parties like this.

 

[Tryin]

Hey, maybe I shouldn't be giving you advices, but I feel like I can relate to what you wrote.

You are friends, lovers, partners, you are together. But still, he is him and you is you.
You are partners - he is not your father, he's not there to look after you.
You both are individuals - you are not the same. Some parts of your personality match, some do not. There are things you both like to do together, but there are also things that only one of you enjoys, wants or needs. And that's alright. He wants to spend time with you and he wants to spend time with his friends. That's so okay. Let him go out with his friends if he wants. Why should you go with him if you don't enjoy that? It's great if you can have fun together, but if it's only his fun, let him have it alone.



"I shouldnt have to look after you we should be able to go out and have fun." for one thing, HE asked you to go. You never asked him to take you out and look after you. I believe you are wholly capable of looking after yourself. So that's not a fair thing to say. And what exactly is it that you failed to do? Didn't you say he kept having fun with his mates (who critisised you for not drinking, which is pretty stupid btw) instead of you two having fun together? You didn't ruin the night for him. If he wanted, he could have gone alone. He decided to ask you to go with him, and it was you who had a not so good time. Was your night ruined? If so, HE should feel guilty.


So, I guess my advice for you would be: Give him freedom. And keep your own one. Love doesn't mean own, so don't let him father you. If you don't want any more ruined nights, just don't do anything you don't want to do and don't enjoy. That's it And, of course, the all-important advice when it comes to relationships: TALK together. There's no other way of knowing what the other one thinks.

Good luck.

:wink:

 

[Syloko]

If you are worried about what to say to people, just ask them loads of questions about themself. People LOVE taking about themselves! :lol:

If you stand back (hypothetically talking) and listen to what people actually are saying it is utter drivel. Please don't let this worry you. An old cliche, but if people don't like you for what you are, then fcuk em :wink:

But that is easier said than done, I am probably the worst for worrying about what people think about me :lol:

 

[dave7352]

any comments would be fantastic

Just my opinion

Best mates from work came over and it was like he changed personality

Many people have a different sort of relationship with work colleges than they do with out of work friends and family (I know I do) he was probable acting normal not realising how he was making you feel.

And when they did speak to me
You’ll fined that most SA suffers don’t get spoken to a lot probable due to the fact the we don’t speak much and tend to kill conversations as quickly as possible or finding ourselves selves with nothing to say.

They were right in my face

With a social event such as a work party most people are already in a bouncy upfront sort of mood anyway give them a couple of alcoholic dinks and they’ll tend to be all up in your face.

And kept telling me I should drink and I was boring bcoz I didn’t

Like someone else said in this topic people drinking will tend to try and get other non drinkers to drink and as for some saying to your that you’re boring that’s just plain rood.

I'm probably being paranoid too as I keep waiting for him to dump me anyway

Unfortunately yes you probable are being paranoid as that’s what us SA suffers tend to do a lot of the time. The only advice I can give on that is try not to worry just think to your self what happens so let it be. Sorry I know that’s crappy advice (easier said than done)

One of his mates is a woman and I was watching them and they were having a laugh and they were staring into each others eyes and leaning into each other and he was payin more attention to her

I can’t really comment on this as I was not there to see what went on, but maybe you were just being paranoid maybe he should have been paying more attention to you or at least trying to bring you in to the conversation here and there.

Annoyed with me that I didn’t want to be there and that all he wanted to do was have fun

You say he knows about your anxiety but does he really understand it because this would say either he doesn’t understand or he just doesn’t care.

"I shouldn’t have to look after you we should be able to go out and have fun"

So the night before I mentioned to my boyfriend that I wasn’t too keen on going and that I was feeling anxious and stressed out about going


Although this may be true to some extent if he knows and understands about your anxiety as this was his work do and his work friends I personally feel that he should be looking after you to some extent.

I just keep feeling guilty that I ruined his night out and will until I get myself sorted out.

Don’t. You’re probable being paranoid again think you ruined the night where as really he had a fine time. I do it all the time play things over in my head worrying about what I did, then next week I’ll discover that no one even remembered what I was making this humongous deal over.

I always try and think to my self what’s done is done what will happen will happen.
Or the good old faithful ‘there’s no point in crying over spilt milk’

But at the end of the day even if you did ruined his night his got plenty more nights left and it wont take home long to forget all about it. Also it’s not your fault you did not rune his night out on purpose you have enough to deal with your SA.

I'd like some opinions do you think I’m overreacting and shouldn’t feel upset or has this happened to anyone else.

Yes you are overreacting. No you should not feel upset. Not this exact scenario but similar things here and there yes and yes I did over reacted and no it was never NEVER as band as I made it out to be.

35 and I’m 21

That’s a large age gap you may fine that some problems are accruing because of this but that’s just my opinion.

Sorry for spelling and stuff
Hope this helps let me know

 

[homebird86]

Hi thank you for the advice i think you're right i was overreacting i think it was because it was all fresh in my mind.

I do it all the time play things over in my head worrying about what I did

Dave that sums me up every tiny little mistake plays over and over in my head till it starts just getting ridiculus.

My boyfriend does know how anxious i get but i think he thinks of it as just abit of shyness and something that can be got over easily i dont think he truly understands just how difficult i find talking to people.

I spoke to him yesterday and he realises he chucked me in at the deep end after a few of his workmates had made comments to him about they would have hated it too not knowing anyone.

Its a relief to come on this site tho i've read lots of messages where people are feeling the same as me its nice to know i'm not alone and that i'm not the freak i always felt like i was.