Fear of speaking

[charlieHungerford]

I have finally overcome the self consciousness in how I look which has taken over my life for the past decade, amazingly it took one day in the end to sort out. I never thought I would ever ever overcome that.

So I am now on my final hurdle, overcoming the fear of speaking. Now I can only speak for myself, but I know this fear for myself can be overcome, I have not always had this fear by any means and around friends, family and work colleagues I am friendly with I am very confident and can chat for England. I have written many posts on this before and I think I must have been approaching it wrong because I couldn't see any improvement.

I feel once I have found what exactly the problem causing this fear is found, I will overcome this fear and overcome SA within a week.

I have been looking at this problem in terms of many things in the past - confidence in speaking, having no confidence in myself, etc. But I think these are wrong in the sense of its not what is causing my problems.

I am now working on the idea that the core beliefs of the problem is that I fear speaking around people who I have no trust in them to be anything but critical of me. Therefore it has nothing to do with speaking, because I can speak fine, when by myself or when around family or friends or work colleagues I work closely with - I don't fear speaking. Therefore it would appear the problem (I can only speak for myself of course). But for instance meeting new people I have no confidence in these situations and for a long while I have been blaming this on my lack of self belief, no confidence in myself. But I am wondering if its actually those people that are the root of the problem - i.e. I suffered years of put downs in my time at high school and college and some when I started university by wazzocks in my halls of residence as well as negative comments in recent years. I suffered so many insults, name calling, people talking about me behind my back, put downs, ridicule, etc - and these days I have huge confidence in myself, I know I am a very likeable person, I have finally overcome my self consciousness in how I look. I am wondering if the problem therefore comes down to having no confidence in people unless I know they won't be critical of me - because I like them and know that they are not critical of me.
I don't know if others can relate to that, but I do feel a lot of people here are fine and confident around close family who you live around, but maybe have no confidence around other people.

I mean I have beliefs such as all women are looks orientated and shallow. I know consciously that cannot be true, but past experiences of myself - i.e. put downs and critical of looks in myself and seeing how women go to jelly around handsome men has made me think that. To believe that so strongly has to cause problems and drain confidence in women.
And people that I have a feeling they think I am a bit odd or whatever - I notice are people that I am very anxious around. Meeting people - because like I say I have no trust that these people will be nice - as I seem to have been experienced so many people who always look for my flaws and think critically of me, I seem to have a self consciousness around people.

I don't know if others can relate. If so, maybe you have no 'trust' in people for different reasons?

I am going to look into this in real detail in the next few days to see if the answer lies here. If this is the core problem, then I need to address my beliefs of why I believe people are so critical and always look negatively at me, I need to look at who these people were, what age they were (a lot were immature kids), what sort of people they are, etc. I need to understand a realistic new way of thinking, whereby I do trust people - i.e. innocent until proven guilty, rather than guilty until proved innocent. Because I am stuck in long term negative thinking patterns that are clearly unfair, biased towards the extreme negative, etc.

I so hope this will prove to be my problem, I feel I can overcome SA very very soon now, the improvement I have made in 2 years is just incredible - I could hardly leave the house, couldn't use the phone, couldn't speak to people one on one, couldn't make eye contact, couldn't go in shops, etc, etc, etc - these things I have overcome plus my huge self consciousness over my appearance. I have never felt so positive and have huge motivation to keep going until I finally overcome it.

Anyone else with a fear of speaking - can you relate to this?

 

[carebear]

And people that I have a feeling they think I am a bit odd or whatever - are people that I am very anxious around. Meeting people - because like I say I have no trust that these people will be nice - as I seem to have been experienced so many people who always look for my flaws and think critically of me, I seem to have a self consciousness around people.

I have this same issue-but it may be a bit backward. After a person gets to know me and see that maybe I am not as experienced in social matters (some may call this odd or aloof) then I begin to feel more comfortable around them.It's like I go into this mode where I feel I need to prove to them that I have confidence. If I percieve that they still look at me the same way no matter what I do then I begin to feel even more comfortable.
*However, If they change in any way after I have shown them my confidence, then I get more uncomfortable*
To sum it all up, I feel really comfortable around people who seem stable..who never change their feelings or reactions to me no matter what I do.

In some ways, I have adopted this strategy of acting stable/non-responsive around people which some people see as awkward. Its really difficult for me to relate to people with this guard up. 8O

 

[charlieHungerford]

Forget this original message. After looking into this in detail tonight I realise its so far off the mark.

I have worked out what the problem is (speaking for myself of course), but unfortunately there are so many factors to it - I had a list of 11 factors and they included things like no confidence in my ability to approach and lead conversation with people I don't know (strangers or people I don't know well enough to feel comfortable to chat around), no confidence in myself that I am good enough/worthy to be in the conversation with that other person - i.e. no self value. I can't write them all out as I am off to bed now. But basically, can you imagine how you would be if you didn't fear speaking to the people you fear speaking to? You would be confident of course, you would have confidence in leading the conversation, believe you are good enough - an equal to the other person at handling the situation, you would have confidence in your ability to cope, perform and succeed.

I still am certain I can overcome this because I will put all the work in to attempt to do this, but there is a lot to work on, there doesn't appear to be a quick way to overcome this fear.

I may not be about for a while on this forum now, I feel I have little more to offer or say, I just need to spend my time working on the 'reasons' I have discovered.

So all the best everyone!

 

[charlieHungerford]

I just thought I would correct myself again, I don't think what I wrote above is right either. Blimey its so complicated getting to the core of this.

Its not right to say I fear speaking because I don't. I think to be honest the best answer here lies with looking at the fear of public speaking - because people who have confidence in speaking in general are afraid to speak in these situations.
And public speaking is feared because of these (I took this from wikipedia)
The root cause of glossophobia (fear of public speaking), although occasionally unknown, can usually be attributed to either:

a single or multiple traumatic incidents, usually experienced personally but sometimes associated with someone who has,
or

a slow build-up from avoiding public speaking over time until it builds into a more severe form of glossophobia
or

a series of beliefs formed early in life some of which have to do with speaking (ex.What I have to say is not important) and some of which have to do with competence and failure (ex.If I fail, I'll be rejected; I'm not capable).


I personally can relate to all of these. Traumatic experiences definitely - not only in public speaking, but speaking to women for example. Avoidance is key with any fear - if you become afraid of something and then always avoid it, it magnifies the fear. And also I have had those negative thoughts such as (I can't do this; If I mess up I will be so humiliated; People will think I am weird if I get all nervous, etc, etc).

Right now I have no idea how I am going to overcome this, but these fears have developed, because I remember being fine doing public speaking, up until I developed a negative self image when suffering years of put downs, name calling, ridicule, insults, etc at high school. I would like to think that all of this fear of speaking can be reversed, but it would appear that if developing a negative self image is what created all of this for me, then I need to develop a positive self image in order to overcome this fear - a self image where I think I am good and believe I am so good that I want to show myself off - so that I have confidence in putting myself in the centre of attention.

I know I am speaking to myself here and no one is likely to reply.

Anyway, this time I mean it - I am having a break from here.

 

[charlieHungerford]

Yeah I totally agree about the part that its not necessary to analyse and try and deal with all areas of this - i.e. breaking down different components of anxiety regarding speaking and desensitising it all. It is just pointless and would take forever.

However, I still believe 10000% that the solution is not down to practice, I really believe it comes down to changing the way you think.
I mean people tell me practice, practice, practice. But isn't living life in a full time job, going shopping, sometimes going out now and again with a friend, going to the casino playing in poker tournaments, etc - isn't that all practice anyway? Still doesn't mean the fear of speaking eases.

I have made an amazing breakthrough on this in the last couple of days. I realised that my fear of speaking has come about due to a 're-wiring' in what my mind thought was the fear. i.e. it all began at high school when I was ridiculed and laughed at lots for a speech impediment. I used to get people mocking how I said words, people laughing and repeating what I said out loud, and I was so self conscious about it. I remember at that time fearing saying words out loud because I feared ridicule for saying words wrong. The major turning point was a presentation and I was so nervous about speaking because of the fear of ridicule, that I was so anxious that I couldn't get my words out, I was like paralysed with huge anxiety and panic attacks. This fear was simply because I feared saying words out loud because I knew people would make fun of me. But what happened is that my mind then say speaking out loud in front of groups as something I cannot do - and so any situations like this I would have panic attacks fearing speaking believing I cannot do it. But it was not what I originally feared, I only couldn't do it because I was so incredibly anxious about fear of ridicule over my speech impediment (something I no longer have - I grew out of the speech impediment). So there is one half of the origin of this fear of speaking.

The other half was because I suffered very low self esteem over how I looked when about 16-21 - I was skinny, had spots, received lots of ridicule over my appearance. I then didn't go to the hairdressers for ages at a time and I looked so scruffy - horrible hair, I had not very nice clothes, etc. I basically had no confidence in how I looked and was very self conscious when people looked at me. So when I had one on one conversations with people I was very self conscious and anxious, felt so uncomfortable, I was especially self conscious around women and basically this made the problem of speaking yet again but this time on a one on one basis instead of groups. I remember lots of times being so anxious just being looked at with the person I was talking to that I was so nervous and I could hardly get my words out. And because this happened time and time again, my mind 're-wired' the fear as speaking because that is what was so difficult, but in reality the fear wasn't speaking at all, it never has been anything to do with fear of not being able to speak or what to say, it was for two things - insecure about speech impediment and insecure about my looks. I have now conquered those two problems, I don't feel insecure for either of those things any more. So as you can see my fear of speaking is actually not real in terms of I never feared it in terms of believing I fear it because I can't do it, but that is what my mind has believed is the fear.

This is excellent news for me because I can now work on the beliefs of this fear and 're-wire' my mind to realising that the fears behind the speaking was about a speech impediment that has now been overcome and because I felt very self conscious over my appearance which also has been overcome.

Amazingly, just understanding this has already boosted my confidence in speaking, in the last two days my speaking has become a lot more confident and a lot less anxious and self conscious. I will really work on this in the next week to really re-wire the fears and negative beliefs behind this. It just needs to be un-learnt.

I have made amazing progress with SA from how I was at my worst some 3 years ago where I could hardly dare leave the house, couldn't make eye contact, couldn't speak one on one with people, couldn't use the phone, was afraid being in queues, was afraid walking in public places, etc. Its all been overcome and if I overcome this fear of speaking I think it is just about transformation complete. I know I will have to sort out a few more problems but I am beginning to think anything can be overcome.

 

[Jack-B]

Great Posts!

Fear is internal, a feeling. So there's only ever one thing we should be looking at when we are afraid, our mind, within.

If we want to overcome our feeling of fear we need to feast on every opportunity when it arises. If we overcome our feeling of fear, nothing in our world will frighten us because we will have learnt to overcome it at its very source, the mind. We will literally bypass fear, it simply wont appear to our mind. This is a gradual process like working a muscle.

How do we do this?

We can spend ages looking at things that make us frightened, events that happened to make us frightened etc, or we can focus our efforts directly on overcoming this feeling so that we gain mastery over it - with when it appears and how we respond, simple!

1. The feeling of fear arises - the appearance of fear in our mind:

2. Response:

our usual response:
a)we freak out, strengthening our fear and let it ruin our life, avoiding everything that stimulates this feeling - creating misery and prison life

New response:
b)we say, SO WHAT?!? BIG DEAL! Its just a feeling! - creating wisdom & courage, creating the future cause to overcome it, strengthening our mind in this way we become fearless.

This is an act of creating a better life for ourself. There are so many benefits to the second response.

Enough time passes and you'll be wishing to face fear all the time because you will know just how liberating a life without fear can be. Facing fear is a biggie, but the more you do it, the more power you give yourself to overcome it.

Just say, so what, big deal....I'm going to create a powerful fearless mind, even if that means just 'taking it' being really afraid but not being bothered by it, ignoring it like some noisy neighbour.

Jack

 

[signs05]

Jack-B

I have also thought in the same manner you do. However, it is not possible, no matter how much we want it to be. You can never completely remove fear from your life, you can however learn how to deal with it. There is a major difference between feeling fear and having that fear paralyze you like in the case of social phobia. There is nothing negative about feeling fear when embarking on something you have never tried before, or giving a lecture in front of a large group of people, it gives you the energy boost you need and it's extremly satisfying to succeed in something you feared doing.

When a person gives a speech in front of a large group of people and he's not nervous or scared at all (which must mean he is 1) affected by drugs or 2) hypnotized), it will be a pretty boring speech. Being scared/nervous is the bodys way of helping us, by increasing our strengths and making us more excited. We should however learn how to deal with this fear and learn when to let it take control and when to take advantage of it.

 

[charlieHungerford]

Signs - I do agree with you. I went down the path a while ago of trying to not fear fear and it doesn't work. It would be nice in situations where I am scared and so worried to be able to think so what, this is nothing, but it doesn't work like that. I mean its a really nice theory I admit and I did feel it was something I had to look into a while ago, but its impossible. Your subconscious mind is freaking out and the conscious mind can do nothing to ease the fears caused, other than working on changing the subconscious beliefs that are causing the fears to surface.
The way we are responding in a social situation we are scared in is very rational - to feel anxious, scared, to want to avoid it, etc, but the root of the problem is something that is either irrational or extremely negative and wrong. That is what has to be addressed.
Our levels of fear is not any different from anyone else, these are not a factor or a problem at all in my opinion, we do need fear like signs says, its just we have some very negative or irrational beliefs at the core of our fears which are just totally problematic. They need sorting!

 

[signs05]

I agree charlieHungerford.

An uncomfortable truth that we all have to face is that too many social phobics have way too high expectations. Instead of thinking like "I will overcome social phobia and be able to relax more with friends", which is a healthy goal, we often think "I will overcome social phobia and I'll be the most social guy ever! I will talk to and charm every cute girl I see, I will never feel anxious nor will I fear anything".

A person who thinks this way automatically regards feeling anxious or feeling fear a being the opposite of success, i.e failure. Which means he will live his life constantly waiting to succeed since he will never get rid of anxiety or fear since they are both vital parts of life.

And moreover, a life without anxiety or fear would be pretty dull, since there would be no challenges or growth, nor would one feel excited about life.

I remember reading a book written by a woman who had suffered deeply from anxiety. She talked about going skiing once, and there was another woman with her and she used to always have so much fun while skiing, she would scream out of joy whilst going down the hill. So the woman with the anxiety finally asked her "How can you enjoy this so much? When I'm going down the hill my heart is pounding so hard, and I'm trembling and shaking", and the woman replies "I know, I'm experiencing those things too, the difference is that you consider it fear whilst I consider it excitement!"
So its really about how you interpret the fear. This is of course a part of learning how to change ones core beliefs, through CBT.

 

[charlieHungerford]

I have been looking my problem over the weekend about my fear of speaking. I am not sure if you have read my post explaining how this fear of mine developed, but basically there has been a re-wiring of what it is I fear. Basically I never did fear speaking in the sense that I didn't believe I could do it, I feared it because of the thought of ridicule to a speech impediment and due to later having no confidence in how I looked - which meant I was very self conscious and was very uncomfortable being looked at when speaking, which made me very anxious and shakey when speaking - I had no confidence in speaking because of this, and because I struggled so much with speaking my mind believed I cannot speak fluently, I have no confidence in speaking, I can never get all my words out, etc. But the reality is that this was not a fear of mine, my mind developed it because of experiences whereby I was anxious for other reasons which I have as good as overcome now.

So I was looking into how to overcome this at the weekend. And I basically thought of two things I believe I should do. 1 is to work on desensitising the fear behind speaking - that speaking is not a big deal, that I can do it - I can speak fine around friends, family, people I work around, by myself, etc. This fear came about wrongly - I was just so anxious for other reasons which do not exist anymore and my mind has confused these with the fear of not being able to do it. Basically I have to start putting everything back into perspective, realising that speaking is so natural - everyone does it so much that no one ever thinks its something to judge people on, people are not critical of people speaking, watch others speak - its just so normal and nothing to worry about.
2 - I think this may sound silly but I really do believe it could hold the answers. If our mind believes we fear speaking and cannot do it, I really do believe it would be good to get a book and at home in your own space just read out loud lots and lots. It may sound silly, but if your mind can see you can actually do it, because how often do we read out loud and aim at gaining confidence in speaking? Maybe just practice reading out loud every night for 30 mins would do the world of good. I don't know what others make of that idea? But if your mind sees you can read out loud and can get all your words out, that you can do it, maybe the mind will ease its fears that I cannot do it.

At the same time I do believe I must keep gaining confidence in the two factors that caused me to fear speaking - speech impediment (which I have overcome) and for feeling self conscious about being looked at in the past - which again I feel I have now overcome, but I guess it would be good to have more confidence in these aspects of myself, to really believe I am good enough in these parts.

Does anyone have any thoughts on those two methods to overcome this fear?

 

[Jack-B]

signs

Im pleased you are challenging this, its very rewarding.

what is fear?

Fear to you is something completely different to everyone else. Its your creation, no one else experiences the same fear. How could they? They dont, no one experiences your mind. You know what fear feels like, it makes you afraid, this fear in your mind has a generic image, which means you identify it and label it fear. It arises in your mind and you know that it is fear. Its a very personal image for you, which creates a personal experience.

If you were to change how you see fear, change the image, then what happens?

Lets take an example:

A magician is on stage and through the use of mirrors and a picture of a tiger, he creates the illusion that a real tiger is on stage. Everyone in the audience experiences fear, except the magician, why? Because he sees no fear, he sees that its just a trick, an illusion so he remains completely calm.

The fear in your mind is because you see a real tiger. It's only frightening because you believe it to be utterly real, created by your own minds' mirrors and images, no one else will see the fear thats created in your mind. All thats there is a mistaken appearance, an illusion. Because you label fear like this, to you, it can never be removed. Of course it cant. Your mind can make real something from nothing. And because of this you will still say it cant be overcome because you see no responsibility for its creation. Who else created your fear? Was it given to you? No. How did your mind create it, why would you want to create it? You never chose to create it because you never had control in the first place? Your mind created it and because your mind is currently running the show, uncontrolled, you have to experience this magic show.

Truth is, you are the magician. You dont have to believe in your own magic trick.

Where does this fear come from? It doesnt come from anywhere else but the mind, born in the mind as its creation. As its creator, we can welcome it, accept it, learn from it, overcome it until it no longer bothers us at all, why be frightened of something you give birth to? When you change this image you have in your mind of fear and what it is to you, it wont be fear anymore, maybe you will see 'energy', or 'bliss' maybe you will laugh because you see a pussy cat instead of a tiger...

There is irrational fear and appropriate fear. The fear we are talking about here is irrational, the fear that is appropriate is fear of of say falling off a cliff or fear of putting our hand over a hot fire. In general, theres nothing wrong with just experiencing fear, yes it is very rewarding provided you see the truth of the situation instead of assenting to the illusion that you should be afraid in a situation that doesnt warrant any need for fear whatsoever.

Jack

 

[charlieHungerford]

Jack, does this really work for you?

I can't relate to this myself but I can completely understand that maybe we suffer very different. I suffer from fear but the fear is not irrational, it comes from irrational/extremely negative core beliefs. These are the problems, the way we react and behave and think based on these is very rational, the core beliefs is what needs putting right.

You seem to be tackling this problem in terms of trying to correct the fear, try and make the fear bearable and that we can still perform and be calm despite fear?

But what is the difference what you are aiming to do here - by addressing the bi product of negative/irrational beliefs at the core and the following example:

If someone has an ingrowing toe nail and its causing them so much pain, would you aim to work at trying to have a higher pain threshold and make the pain less bearable, or would you suggest sorting out the root problem to the pain - i.e. sorting out the ingrowing toe nail?

I really do believe there is irrational/wrong thinking patterns behind fears. Maybe they don't seem wrong or irrational because you have always thought that way, but there is something there causing problems.

But, anyway I don't know how you suffer or why you have SA, but do you think you are aiming to beat this SA at the correct level? I mean if someone feared people of the opposite sex of their own age group, would you suggest they should work on making the fear more bearable or tackle the issues behind why they fear the opposite sex? Our fear behind SA is irrational, but the fear is not there for absolutely no reason, something is causing the problem. That problem is what needs sorting out. But like I say, maybe I suffer differently from you. You are a fantastic writer and have a fantastic positive approach about wanting to overcome SA, if what I say doesn't apply to you I am very sorry, I just want to question what you say to see if you think what you say is definitely right.

 

[charlieHungerford]

Wow I have been doing some fantastic work on this fear tonight. I really am feeling better and better all the time with regard this fear.

I started analysing what it is I fear about speaking - i.e. not getting my words out and the fears I have linked to that. Amazingly, even though I have experienced a shakey voice and loud swallowing and voice going high pitched in the past, no one has ever said anything about this. Kind of shows that my fears are just way over the top. So I have started analysing these fears.

I started thinking about imagining a worst case scenario that could happen - i.e. fear of speaking - and I actually start struggling badly around some girls I think are nice and I look petrified and I imagine they are thinking 'oh my god what is wrong with him, he is so weird'. I mean I realise that if this does happen then they are entitled to think that, but they don't know me well enough if they think that. They are thinking that way about just one experience. If they really knew me they would think loads of brilliant things and how nice I am. They don't know the past about me getting the piss taken out of me constantly and losing all confidence. The real fact is that I can speak fine, I am fearing this because of mis-wired beliefs and past traumatic experience of struggling to get my words out because I was so scared for other reasons - i.e. ridicule over a speech impediment for example.

I then read out loud for 20 minutes from a biography I like reading. Strangely at first even though I was by myself I was very self aware speaking and anxious about speaking. But after a couple of minutes I was reading out loud with real confidence and enjoyed it. I feel this is something I can do each night to build my confidence in speaking up. I know its not the same as speaking out loud with an audience, but if my mind can see I can do this no problem, it can only help.

I then started analysing my beliefs on speaking is scary and looked into my beliefs and mindset on why I think this. It was so incredibly negative. All my thinking was 'catastrophic thinking' like the worst that could happen, the worst that people could think, etc. I see I have made this into such a huge ordeal, such a big deal. I certainly need to change that mindset into a light hearted one, one which I can enjoy speaking and feel its a chance to shine and to be able to laugh off any errors.

Finally I looked into 'traumatic past events' where I struggled so much with speaking and the impact these have had. Beliefs such as they were so humiliating and made me believe people saw me as some freak and look at me in such a negative way. These traumatic beliefs is basically what has caused the fear for myself and I need to put them into reality. That so what! I messed up, I was nervous, I was young. It didn't make me a bad person. Didn't mean I am ugly or inadequate. Didn't mean I am not intelligent. It didn't mean I am a freak. I just messed up. So what? We all mess up. I bet no one else remembers those 'traumatic episodes' other than myself.

It is going to take some serious work and the aim is to really ease my fears and develop some confidence into speaking. It really isn't something to fear, but the past has made me believe it is. But these are really bad and negative experiences and my mind has been basing all my beliefs on speaking on those events. Its so wrong. Got to put things right.
I know that if I don't address these issues I will never improve or progress. Changes have to be made!

 

[charlieHungerford]

I know no one seems interested in this. But I have been doing fantastic work at overcoming the fear of speaking and I really have been so much more confident already when speaking around people.

However, I have realised that there are 2 parts to this fear. 1 is the fear of speaking (i.e. having little confidence in speaking and leading conversation, etc) and the second part is a fear of the person/situation.
I just realised that even if I was brilliantly confident in speaking and didn't fear speaking, there will still be a problem if we fear a person or situation. The nerves/anxiety will interfere with your confidence speaking. i.e. I really have improved loads in a matter of days with speaking, but I had to go explain something to a girl at work who is really nice and I was like jelly around her. I always go to jelly around nice women. So, this is something crucial to work on and put right. I will analyse it and get to the bottom of it and put it right. It shouldn't take too long. I kind of believe its because I don't believe I am good enough in relation to nice women. I always in the past have thought they are probably thinking 'Why don't you go away you ugly prat'. (I am starting to accept my looks far far more, I have really overcome insecurities in my appearance, but still that doesn't mean I feel I am good enough).

I will keep working on developing confidence on all of these factors, I will get there soon!

 

[Jack-B]

Signs/Charlie

Great posts!

"Jack, does this really work for you?"

I still experience fear, I just don't buy into it. It doesn't really matter what i experience, its what I create that matters. If I use what appears to my mind and create for the future an experience where I don't buy into fear, I will eventually experience the effect of not buying into fear. Hence being unafraid. Its an appearance. Its like looking at an internal rainbow inside knowing it is just an appearance to your sky like mind. So there's no need to blow it all out of proportion.

Just this morning I felt an overwhelming sense of fear in my mind. I
simply realized it was only an appearance and that there was nothing
to be afraid of at all. Merely a creation of my own deluded mind. I
never chose to create fear. By doing this I gained power over my mind and created the space in my mind to let it be, it disappeared back into
my mind, like a flying fish jumping back into water. I gained back
power from being out of control to being in control of what was going on in my mind.

"I can't relate to this myself but I can completely understand
that maybe we suffer very different."

Exactly. What your mind creates is different, the effects of your
actions will be different. So you can, if you wish, choose to
create whatever you want so that fear no longer appears to your mind.

"I suffer from fear but the fear is not irrational, it comes from
irrational/extremely negative core beliefs. These are the problems,
the way we react and behave and think based on these is very rational,
thecore beliefs is what needs putting right."

I think this is what you are saying: the way you act in dependence
of these core beliefs is rational ie to respond in a frightened fearful
way but its these core beliefs themselves that are irrational. Either
way you still need to act in the most positive way. Core beliefs, where
do they come from? The mind. Where do they exist? Talking from this
perspective, what action needs to be taken to change these core
beliefs? The only action is to change our actions so that we stop creating these beliefs, stop reinforcing them so that they cease to colour our thoughts and influence our life. So from my point of view the way we behave and think based on these core beliefs or what I would refer to as arising from the a deeper level of mind is that they are all going to be mistaken because at its source, the nature of what our mind is seeing, is incorrect, not clear. So there's no need to be afraid at all, yet this is what our mind sees, so it projects fear, almost like watching/taking part in our own scary movie.

"You seem to be tackling this problem in terms of trying to correct the fear, try and make the fear bearable and that we can still perform and be calm despite fear?"

Correcting the fear would be incorrect. Creating a more realistic view of reality is more appropriate. Making fear bearable, what does that mean? Understanding that the appearance of fear to our mind wont destroy us,its only as harmful as we believe it to be, only as powerful as our mind makes it or creates it. Like the appearance of clouds in the sky won't destroy the sky. So the more we 'buy into fear' the more deceived we become. How many times have you been frightened then after whatever it was thought to yourself, 'What was i afraid of?', its like a big deception.

"But what is the difference what you are aiming to do here - by
addressing the bi product of negative/irrational beliefs at the core
and the following example:
If someone has an ingrowing toe nail and its causing them so much
pain, would you aim to work at trying to have a higher pain threshold and make the pain less bearable, or would you suggest sorting out the root problem to the pain - i.e. sorting out the ingrowing toe nail?"

The pain is coming from one source.The effect of your actions will be experienced in either case. So if you act to have a higher pain threshold, then maybe you will experience that effect, likewise with sorting out the toenail. It makes sense to sort the ingrowing toe nail. We can see it and sort it easily. The difference here being that the painful state of fear comes from the mind and so does its source. Whereas in your example you mention the source of pain being something physical, when in fact the real source of that pain is located in the mind, which pervades the body through awareness. It makes sense to go to the root of the problem but you would need to be able to clearly locate that problem at source and know how to make it dissapear in your mind.

"I really do believe there is irrational/wrong thinking patterns
behind fears. Maybe they don't seem wrong or irrational because you have always thought that way, but there is something there causing problems."

Mind has various levels of subtlety in which depending on the intensity of anxiety will invoke a stronger feeling or sensation of fear. To be able to overcome those wrong thinking patterns at the deepest level you would need very sharp faculties of mental awareness, however, this being said, you can of course deal with the surface anxiety quite well by applying specific methods. To really go beyond that, I feel you would have to train your mind and learn to mix it through concentration with pure thoughts giving rise to peace. Allowing your mind to reach those deeper levels and becoming completely familiar with them, so that they become habitual ways of responding to the world.

"But, anyway I don't know how you suffer or why you have SA, but
do you think you are aiming to beat this SA at the correct level?"

When an architect first decides to build a house he faces many challenges, however, in his mind he pictures his building, so initially it all comes from his mind or imagination. From there whatever obstructs this doesn't really matter because he has already seen this building in his mind. His mind moves towards creating this building.

The same applies to us when we attempt to create a world without fear
and anxiety. Its all created and experienced in our mind. So we can build a world in which we can live without fear and be confident that no matter what else we experience, we will know without doubt that we will eventually see our goal accomplished. We should think about seeing beyond our fear. There are worlds in which people abide without fear. Just because our mind doesnt experience it doesnt mean it doesnt exist. Who is experiencing this world, you.

Imagine what it would be like without fear, can we create this place in our mind, most definitely.

An expression of trusting the inner world of creating an anxiety free world comes from knowing that what you create will result in peace not anxiety. So it only really matters what you create for yourself because in the future, the result is assured ie you can be 100% confident that if you stop creating fear,it will gradually fade and disappear. We should ask, how do we stop creating fear?

"I mean if someone feared people of the opposite sex of their own
age group, would you suggest they should work on making the fear more
bearable or tackle the issues behind why they fear the opposite sex?"

My teacher says to me,'do whatever moves your mind the most' meaning, whatever works for you, then use it. Some things will work better in different situations depending on what's going on in your mind. At others times the method you use may not work at all. So we need to be creative in how we apply ourselves to whatever appears by responding in a way which best suits us at the time. Through experience you will learn what moves your mind the most to tackle each situation appropriately.

"Our fear behind SA is irrational, but the fear is not there for
absolutely no reason, something is causing the problem."

Because we don't know what gives rise to peace and calm in our minds, we create for ourself anxiety a lot of the time. The main reason we
suffer is because we dont know. How many of us really know how to be happy?

"But like I say, maybe I suffer differently from you."

Who created your suffering? What is it? How do I appear to suffer to you and who created that in your mind?

"You are a fantastic writer and have a fantastic positive approach
about wanting to overcome SA, if what I say doesn't apply to you I
am very sorry, I just want to question what you say to see if you think
what you say is definitely right"

Does this indicate that you do not wish to upset me or you wish to
help me or does it indicate doubting yourself?. Answer: Depends on your
intention and through intention you create your world. No need to be sorry for creating the most amazing contribution to this site and everyone on it. What you are doing is creating the beginning of the end of your fear. Your post alone serves to create within your inner world pathways which your mind will lead you eventually into a state without fear. And you created it, who else created it in your mind? Do you see what im saying? Please continue to question, your curiousity will interest your mind into a fearless world.

Jack