Fear of speaking in certain social situations

[charlieHungerford]

I am on a mission to no longer be afraid of negative feedback, I have been looking into negative feedback and I really am seeing that it really doesn't matter. It is so important to work on not being afraid of negative feedback, its basically how SA started. You have to accept that some people will think bad of us, afterall there are billions of people on earth, a percentage of people will think we are not good looking or that we are boring or whatever, but its one person's opinion, it doesn't make it a fact and it has no impact on our lives or future. When has you thinking bad about someone ever caused anyone any hurt? And if someone thinks bad of us, what does worrying about it achieve, other than call us so many problems such as feeling ill with anxiety, draining our confidence and potential in life. If someone doesn't like us, then they won't like us no matter how much we worry. But so what, there are a billion more people out there, why dwell on it? Its like you are a billionaire and you have lost a penny down the side of the sofa and getting all upset about it. Move on.
I went into great detail into this and its something I will be working on for a while yet to change deep rooted beliefs, there is a lot that needs sorting out, I have gotten into wrong negative thinking patterns.

However, the fear of speaking I believe is a seperate issue. I think anyone who can relate to me in that when in certain situations you just find it impossible to speak fluently and its a struggle getting words out as your throat is just going crazy, feeling like you need to swallow every few seconds or maybe you lose the ability to speak totally, well I think this fear of speaking has to be addressed purely by itself.

I did a brainstorm yesterday of why I fear speaking in certain social situations, and I came up with 11 reasons, I can't remember them all, but things like I have no confidence in speaking, in the past I have had some really bad experiences of getting anxious and not being able to get my words out and I felt so humiliated. I just have grown this perception of speaking as a situation where I feel so self aware when speaking around people I am not comfortable around or situations I am not comfortable in - as if there is a spot light on me and just end up focusing on myself, so self aware, so self conscious, feeling I am only going to be judged one way - negatively! Working on understanding negatives don't matter does help a small part towards this fear, but I need to change my mindset of speaking so that its not something I fear. My other reasons for fearing speaking include - no confidence I am going to do it well, a belief that I am just going to fail. Also I suffered many years at high school and even at college by two girls always repeating words I said wrong because of a speech impediment - which has as good as gone now (there are some words I can't say properly, but most people have that) - but that made me fear speaking so much at the time and I just haven't got over it. But I guess those years have left me with a belief that people are so critical of me when I am speaking. I believe its such a big deal and a terrifying situation. The whole point is - is it any wonder I struggle with speaking in situations/around people I am not comfortable in/around. All my beliefs are negative and feel afraid, so its got to be put right. Can I ever become confident speaking when have such a negative and fearful mindset on speaking? The answer is no. So analysing these beliefs and understanding and seeing how wrong our beliefs are is vital. We need to analyse them and see what is wrong, understand why the way we think is wrong and learn a new way to see speaking - a fair and accurate way, a non fearful way, a way which is actually positive and where we can show how cool we are. Because come on, speaking - its the most natural and normal thing for humans.
This is why there are other questions to look at in my opinion such as: Do you ever judge people when they speak? If someone messes up when speaking have you thought critical of them? If we do mess up, what is the worst that they can think? That we are strange? Well its one person's opinion on one performance speaking, it is not a judgement on us as a person - how we look or how intelligent we are on how nice a person we are, etc. You have to accept some people will think negative of us for messing up with nerves, but do we really care what someone like that thinks? Because I know from watching a tv programme where a guest presenter on a music chart show had to read out lots and he just started getting so self aware, it was so obvious he was struggling, he was jumbling up his words, he then needed to swallow and then lost the autocue and he looked so sad and uncomfortable. But the crowd were all so nice to him, so encouraging and after he completed it everyone gave him the biggest clap and he actually ended up coming out even better than if he failed. So people don't think terrible things for this happening and anyone who does forget them, there are a billion people on earth, sod one person.
The reality is people listening or observing you speaking are not being critical, they couldn't give a toss, just like when we are listening to or observing people. But we need to believe it, understand its the truth, instead of the way we currently see things.
Only you can do the analysis for yourself on beating this. But it can easily be done once you have a plan of what you have to do and know how to do it.

 

[LittleMissMuffet]

Hi Charlie,

I can really relate to what you have been experiencing. I used to be really self-concious about speaking-up and I'd get a lump in my throat and have to swallow. ....Just what situation I fear tends to switch around: I'll be phobic about buying cigarettes at a 7 eleven and then months later, I'll wonder at how I could have been so fearful of such a thing -but by that time, my anxiety has gotten hold of some other situation.

As for trying to fix things: I think you're doing a pretty good job. You've mentioned the value of another's negative opinion, questioning the importance of this ....and I think that this is a perfect solution to being oversensitive to rejection as we are. ....My therapist is more inclined to focus on whether or not my interpretation -that others are judging me- is correct; yet I keep going back to asking that even if I was being negatively evaluated -what significance would it have.

...just as you are doing now. And if you don't mind me saying so: I think that we are on the right track, and that in this, my psychiatrist is barking up the wrong tree.

My basic reasoning is that our(my) problem is being too needy and dependent upon fitting-in and upon not experiencing rejection; and that along with this, we get caught-up in little aspects of social interaction, trying to take care of making no mistakes etc and in general focussing on these details -yet, your approach, whilst not questioning or doubting our innate sensitivity (towards others and details, emotions ets) instead questions the value of these little things. ....How good would it be to fumble your words or to get nervous and then pass over these little errors in social grace. ...Well, this, in my opinion, can be done if we accept our sensitivity, instead of doubting it -doubting our interpretations of ourselves and others- and in this way accepting ourselves as sensitive instead of rejecting ourselves and fearing our sensitivity.

Basically I see that we are placing too much focus and worry about little things. And that the question to ask is, not are others thinking badly of me or not? ...since this is just worrying ...but, is to ask: what significance would it have? and: who am I really? -am I first impressions, or am I more than such things. Therefore, how much importance and baring do first impressions, and a range of social graces that SA people worry over, on who we think we are and what we believe is important about who we are.

....I've been remembering how when I was a teenager and child, that whilst i was always sensitive, that I had a bold confidence about me. Even girls who picked on me said: "You're never phased by anyone".
I was happier and less plagued by insecurity then, and this had a lot to do with how much belief I had in my own ideas about myself -irrespective of who others thought I was.

Anyhow, I like your way of thinking.

 

[charlieHungerford]

Hi Littlemissmuffet,

Thanks for such a cool reply, that was an excellent read and I loved the part about first impressions and we are so much more than that, this is something I have never thought of before, but yeah that is really interesting, it almost seems as if we treat each situation we are anxious in as an interview to impress. Something in our thinking needs to change.

Like you say we put so much pressure on ourselves to perform perfectly and make sure we do not do anything that may cause someone to think negative of us. The answer seems to be hidden in that sentence. I was thinking of something last night about something linked to this and its an easy exercise anyone can do:

If you write on a piece of paper 3 columns - 1st column headed 'People I am fine, comfortable and confident talking around, 2nd column headed 'People I can talk to but struggle a bit with anxiety' and 3rd column headed 'People I am really anxious talking to and really struggle'.
And then list people you know or even groups or types of people as well. Maybe even include people you are attracted to but do not speak to. The whole point was that there is a link to the fear of speaking.

The people I am calm and confident speaking to included family, friends, work colleagues who I get on very well with and chat to a lot and even work colleagues who I may not be so friendly with but I do chat to quite often about work related things.

The people I am slightly anxious around but can speak to are people who basically I only speak to now and again at work who I kind of know but don't know well enough to speak to. I also included some sales clerks - like if I am in the post office and have to ask for things. I am slightly anxious but not too bad, I can cope.

The people I am very anxious around were interesting. They were all new people who I didn't know but would have to interact with and chat to, women I think are nice but don't know too well, people like the boss of the office. Also groups of people is a situation - i.e. training courses where you have to do role play.

What this showed me is that the fear of speaking is not as such a fear of speaking, its a fear of certain people. I mean it can't be a fear of speaking as I can speak so confidently around people I am friendly with and comfortable around. It would appear that the fear of speaking occurs because I am anxious around these people and I am afraid of speaking when anxious because I know how hard I find it.

So it would appear the answer is to not fear these people we fear. I mean it must be, but we must also fear speaking when anxious.

What I notice about the people I fear - women who I think seem nice, authority and new people is that I have an inferiority complex. I clearly see myself as 'not good enough' in comparison to these people.

Which kind of leads the answers to SA in yet another direction.

I think its crucial to understand that negative feedback means nothing - because our sensitivity towards negative feedback seems like it started SA. But what is very apparent is that a lot of us, especially me, seem like we have no confidence in ourselves when it comes to people/situations that we are anxious around. This confidence needs to be built. I mean that is what self confidence, self worth, self belief means - believing you are good enough, believing you are an equal to the next person. I clearly subconsciously see myself as inferior to others.

So to summarise a plan for recovery, I (we - if you can relate) need to:
* Understand and realise negative feedback doesn't mean anything, this requires a lot of work to get to the point where you don't care what people think of you.
* Building confidence. Specifically aimed at developing self worth, self esteem, self belief - that you are good enough and equal to those you currently fear. Have to look at these people we seem to fear and analyse why we fear, break it all down, understand where our thinking is wrong, creating a new realistic way to see these people and changing beliefs so that we believe we are equals.

Does anyone agree with any of that?

 

[charlieHungerford]

After thinking for quite a bit today, I am still unsure of the answer to no longer fearing speaking. I feel we do need to see people who we are anxious around in the same way as we see people like family and friends. But I do think that we need to change beliefs in speaking, we are just too aware of our speaking difficulties, its like when we enter a situation we are aware of will we be able to speak ok. The best way to overcome such problems is to not even be aware of speaking.

Today I was talking fine to someone fluently and then I started focusing on speaking, all these negative comments and questions flooded my mind and before I knew it my speaking was starting to become a huge struggle. That was nothing to do with the person, it was being aware of my lack of confidence in speaking.

I am going to have to spend some hours at the drawing board this weekend to think about how to sort this out.

Does anyone have any thoughts?

 

[pinkputter]

hey I think you already have a really good attitude and if you keep it up i can really see you beating this!!!

I have been working on getting better from SA for a while now. I was just like you. No matter how positive i was i could never seem to gather enough confidence to do not just public speaking, but pretty much anything around ppl that paid attention to me. And like you said it seemed like a VERY separate thing...

And i dont know how to explain it , cause it really does seem like a separate issue , but it isnt. it IS NOT... i know thats not what it seems like.
All i can tell you is that you are doing great with having a positive attitude and if you keep it up, you WILL be able to eventually do more things.

It's been like a journey for me. Finding out WHY i had these fears inside, and beating them! And you will... Its a long process. All i can tell you is it took time to develop anxiety so it will take a while to recover from it. You have to be patient with yourself.

For now just try to enjoy things and getting into the moment more.
Hope this helps

 

[LittleMissMuffet]

Hi Charlie,

I want to try to address parts of your posts individually...

You wrote about focussing on your fear of speaking; about how upon focussing on such a thing you began to worry about this.

You write that the fear is of certain people, and listed specific situations that you fear. Then you wonder that your fear may be (for you at least) about speaking; saying that you think that speaking could be a separate problem.

I wonder that you may be trying to look too narrowly at things. And I think that, from looking at my own experience that anxiety has the tendency to attach to practically anything. That the problem may in fact be focussing too heavily upon specifics and details.

Firstly I think that anxiety and the associated need to control (and prevent problems) exists either in partnership with or as a result of being very sensitive to outer stimulus ...certainly for me I notice that I have a higher than average sensitivity, which is why I am talented at drawing. And I think that this sensitivity towards (new) stimuli is the first part of what then spirals out for us as a continual focussing on such stimuli.

....That we feel sensitive and unsettled at first and then we attempt to bring balance and manage situations by focussing even more on these 'disturbances' to our safe little world.
This is why I think that in focussing on speaking you became even more nervous -self concious- about this.

Noticing this pattern that I seem to repeat, as well as that what I am specifically afraid of has the tendency to shift (one day it is a fear of this type of situation or person, and some time later the fear shifts onto some other kind) ...I think that the anxiety needs to be looked at more generally. That it is more about a fear of unknown situations -and a hyper sensitivity to new or unfamiliar sensations to do with people, (since people effect a person the most).

I think that all people are effected by negative feedback, but that because we are more sensitive that we are impacted more, and that then a normal insecurity is exagerrated for us.

I think that our problem is one of a lack of 'mindfulness', or of putting these sensitivities or fears into perspective. That we are attached and very effected by them and that it perhaps is simply a question of growing to no longer be as effected by them -and with this, losing our concern for others assesments of us because we are better able to integrate who we are and how we feel in relationship with others.

I think that your idea about not fearing negative feedback is the same as building up a tolerance to the outside world effecting us. And that this is probably just about a process of us facing our fears -negative evaluation and even rejection - in order to actually get over such fears.

I think that the key is to simply no-longer fear, and similar to this, no longer be so sensitive or reactive to others around us. Along with this, if we are able to place our self worth on something bigger than superficial interactions with people -like our sense of who we are irrespective of the world- that then we can accept the world's opinion of us without this effecting us negatively.

....Anyhow, I am still going over my thoughts about such things. I may write and summarise what I've been thinking later.

I do know that I am feeling a regained sense of confidence -and that I feel more sure of who I am irrespective of what others think - sort of like being alone is allowing me to believe in my self without needing others to do this.