Fear of being alone...

[SnackleZ]

I've lived 17 years of my life without a single romantic relationship with a girl. Next month, it'll be 18. Since way back in Jr.High, I've always thought that I had to have a girlfriend. I've learned that over the years, it's not a necessity, but there is still this "want".

Lately, I've been trying to figure out why there is still this "want". I mean, I could live my entire life perfectly happy by myself and not ever have to worry about supporting a wife, children, etc. I could buy what I want, sell what I want, go where I want, do what I want...

That's where things start to fall into place. I've realized that I'm terrified of the fact that I might be alone for the rest of my life, and though that sounds good from some perspective, it's a very depressing thing to think about. Sure, there are a few girls that I'd like to ask out, and they'd more than likely accept, but I just don't feel like I'm ready. I've asked out 2 girls in the past that I was attracted to (and who were obviously attracted to me) and both have turned me down. I guess you could say the rejection has left a scar, the scar has turned into fear, and that's driving me towards the plus side of being single. There isn't really any plus side.

Adding to being alone for the rest of my life, I don't have many good friends, and the only friend who I thought I could trust my life with put a knife in my back last week. I do have an amazing ability to get along with EVERYONE, but this drives me even further away from people. Which, in turn, drives me into a mild depression. Things just aren't going well lately.

 

[redlady]

I'm sorry to hear that things aren't going well. You know i have convinced myself that i will be alright alone for the rest of my life. I have made the thought of marriage a very unappealing one - i know i will never marry, i can't allow myself to be available enough to do it - the thought just seems so intrusive - but is that what i really want or what i have convinced myself of - in any event it is a strong feeling.
If your feelings for companionship supercede your 'want' to be alone than they may just win out in the end.

 

[young]

some days i think i'm going to die alone. But I bring myself back to reality that there is a girl out there waiting for me to sweep her off her feet. I just hope I find her before I die.

 

[triceratops]

being alone is better than a broken heart

 

[allanboy]

I´m not actually all that worried about being alone for long(lloonnnggg) periods of time, it´s when i got to tell that to people. Sooner or later someone´s gonna ask me and i´ll have to lie, and i´m too honest/paranoid to liek to someone, so i go for the truth, and get shat at.

But, taking out the social aspects, being alone seems quite nice, thanks schizoid disorder!

 

[coolguy2005]

Snackle. I have the same problem. I haven't had a single girlfriend yet and I'm 20! I think we shouldn't worry about getting a girlfriend until we get our social anxiety issues settled out, even if we really really really want to. We need to work on getting ourselves confident, and then everything will fall into place.

 

[Chilling__Echo]

hey sweetie, your words really touch me b/c i worry about this everyday. it's the reason i became depressed and my anxiety went up and i had to go back on paxil. i still think about it but i'm sure you'll end up ok in the end. everyone's afraid of it... just some more than others....

 

[stinkyllama]

-deleted-

 

[Boundless]

Last relationship(if you can even call it that) was 5 years ago,and the person i loved broke my heart.Didnt try again..now im closing on 21 and still pretty much alone.

 

[Tanya_S]

Well i have never had a relationship with anyone yet. I do fear that i will die alone, but there isnt really much i can do about it is there?

 

[Fighter86]

I do want a special someone, but that's coz I don't have the support of close friends, which is why I think makes that special someone more important. I'm single though, have never been in a relationship & very much doubt that I will ever be in one. What I really can't stand is this: If I had either good friends or a bouyfriend, its ok. But the problem is that I have none & it bothers me. I have no one to talk to 'bout stuff...

 

[Disconnected]

I haven't had a single girlfriend yet and I'm 20! I think we shouldn't worry about getting a girlfriend until we get our social anxiety issues settled out, even if we really really really want to. We need to work on getting ourselves confident, and then everything will fall into place.

I think this is completely unrealistic. Its a nice way of trying to avoid the inevitable, or trying to find a way around your problem so you don't have to face it directly. The only way you will learn how to be close to someone is to directly engage them. You don't deal with social anxiety by isolating yourself and building yourself up and THEN going out into the world. You have to deal with the problem directly. I haven't and as long as I don't I will always be alone. You will never be ready for confident until you gain the real-life experience necessary to offset your anxiety. You will never sit down and solve this purely in your mind.

In reference to a different post. There will never be someone who will sweep you off your feet as long as you're stuck in the same habits and behaviors.

I can lay in bed all day and cry and pray and hope that there is going to be some magical person that comes out of the blue and saves me from myself. This is a fantasy we use to cope with a harsh and sometimes cruel reality. This is the stuff of books and movies. As I sit here in a room completely alone its not as if there will be a knock on the door and some beautiful girl will be there just to tell me that she loves me.

I'm 19 and I've been alone most of my life. I don't feel as if I can connect to people at all. But if I don't try it won't happen. Either I'm going to try at some point or I'm going to hit bottom. Depression and anxiety will overwhelm me and either that will be an impetus for change or for further destruction.

 

[B23]

Snacklez,

I read your post and I felt like I had found an old diary. When I was 16 I was thinking the same thoughts. I'd never had a boyfriend. One thing I want to commend you on, however, is that you asked out 2 people in the past. Wow...I cannot even imagine doing that today, let alone back then! I don't think by any means you are going to find yourself alone for the rest of your life. Also, I want to point out that even a few of the most social guys I know never had a relationship until into college (and, well, I still wouldn't call some of their relationships "romantic" ).

As far as the want, there'd probably be something wrong if you didn't have that want. This will sound weird and crazy to you (mm and hopefully not too much like your mom), but enjoy it because I think someday when you're married for years, you're going to look back and smirk at that wanting feeling you had. But, aside from that, humans aren't meant to live socially separated and one of the most rewarding relationships can be the closeness shared in a romantic relationship.

A couple things stood out to me in your post. First, you stated that you just don't feel like you are ready to ask some of these girls out. Honestly, that speaks maturity to me and a maturity I think you should listen to. Going back to when I was 16, one year younger than you, I had my first boyfriend and it was disasterous because I was not at all ready...I couldn't hold a conversation, I was too shy around him and he was never able to even get to know ME because I wasn't able to allow him to (heck, I didn't even know me). And, because of my strong need to be close with someone, I became too entangled in my "deep love" for him that it drove him away and left me devistated for years. Secondly, you pointed out that the 2 girls you had asked out were obviously attracted to you. Maybe it doesn't show and maybe you can't feel it, but this says that somewhere in there, there is obviously confidence...this an excellent foundation, no matter how small.

Anyway, excuse my rambling Snacklez. I understand where you're at, believe it or not. But I really think you are going to find someone, some day, when you're ready. I won't act like your life should be easy if you start thinking that way...afterall, even people who don't suffer from social problems often think they might be alone forever...but I really hope you can try to move past the worries and not let them drag you down.

 

[FaymeLevy]

I know how ya feel, the only relationships i've had since SP got me have been online dont think i'll do that again though. I want to be with someone here, but no luck, im not anybody's type. lol the closest I came was with this guy (who's relationship with my family takes way to long to explain, so we'll just leave it at..guy)....we did that hang out and flirt and everyone takes bets on how long it'll be before we get together. Then he asked me out, but we didnt go, then I asked him out, and we didnt go, and now he's engaged to someone else. I'm afraid that's the second time i've done that with a guy too....I did that game with my best friend for years before this guy came along. The only other "relationship" was a guy who would show up in the summer for making out, then disappear for a year. Every year he'd show up and expect me to drop everything...im babbling....sadly, that's the best i've done.