siyko
Member
Okay, i'm not really sure how to start this, so i just will, my name is Si. im 25 years old. i have had ocd for many years now, I can clearly remember where it all started from, I was 17 years old lying in bed trying to get to sleep, at that time i had been suffering from a ear and chest infection, as i lay there i suddenly jumed as i was drifting off to sleep, i sat up my heart was pounding and i felt very dizzy, an intense feeling of fear came across me, i had never felt like this before, i was convinced that i was dying, i woke my mam up and tried to explain what was happening, i was starting to hyperventilate, i was panicing a lot and starting to get upset, my mam tried to calm me down and reassure me that nothing was happening but i became more hysterical, my mam phoned me an ambulance and we went to casualty, at the hospital i was given various tests; blood pressure, ecg, blood and urine tests, and they all came back clear, the doctor told me that i was having a panic attack and to go back home, i went back home and went back to bed, it was now around 3am, as i was dropping off to sleep the same thing happened, once again i woke my mam up and i was hysterical, my mam became quite annoyed as she did'nt know what i was going through, she told me i was fine and to go back to bed, this time i phoned a taxi and went back to the casualty myself, i had to wait a few hours to be seen by the doctor but this time the doctor was no so understnding, after giving me an ecg(heart test) the doctor told me again that it was a panic attack. When i got back home it was around 7am and i had work at 9am so i stayed awake and went to work, thatnight i wa absolutely exhausted but yet again the same thing happened. That was the day my life turned from a reasonable happy one to a life of constant fear and paranoia, for the next 7 or so month of my life I visited the casualty at least 3 times a week, the attacks didnt just happen at night they happened constantly, this may sound like an exaggeration but its not i had between 15 - 20 panic attacks daily, each time i was convinced that i was having a heart attack, when i felt the attack coming on i would make up any excuse to leave where i was and go to casualty or to 'walk off' the attack, I kept these attacks to myself as far as my friends and family were concerned i was the same old si.My freinds mother was a very superstitious person, she would alwats say touch wood if ever a bad thing was mentioned and eveybody had to touch wood, when i started to feel panic attacks coming on i would touch wood, this was only at home though as i didnt want people seeing me touching wood all of the time, this worked for a while and would temporarily calm me down, but soon i couldnt just touch wood once i would have to touch it 3 times, this pattern led to multiples of 3 and eventually it became ridicoulous, i would constantly lose count and get frustrated, it got to the point where i was sitting alone in my room counting touching the wood from the headboard of my bed for hours, this was a very bad time for me. Later that year I joined a college course in performing arts as i had always wanted to be an actor, i met a lad there who had been going through similar attacks, he told me that when he felt the attack coming on he would touch his nose 3 times, this may sound silly to most people but at the time nothing sounded silly, i was prepared to try anything, once agin this technique worked for a short while but then the counting went on to multiples of three, i now did my 'patterns' out of home, everytime i would get a bad thought or feeling i would perform the same ritual. it got to the stage where even if i didnt have a bad tought i would still have to do the ritual or something bad would happen, the ocd had a firm grip of me and wasnt letting go, i started doing other rituals such as keys from hand to hand three times before i locked up, constantly returning back home to make sure i'd locked the door, keep checking id turned the cooker off, i also couldnt do any task without performing the counting ritual, i literally mean any task, going to the bathroom, making a sandwich, watching tv, writing a sentance, answering the phone ect, all the time though i kept the ocd and panic attacks to me and a few select people.
For the next four years of my life (1998 - 2002), i would perform my rituals hundreds of times per day, and the panic attacks were happening, several times per week, the panic attacks moved from fear of having heart attacks to brain tumours to cancer to H.I.V, the only time i was free from ocd and panic was when i was drunk, so i began drinking heavily, it all came to a head in 2002, i had been awake drinking for 3 days, i had been severly depressed for a while and i could feel something was going to happen, i dont want to go into to too much detail about what happened that night because its very painful to remember, but basically i had destroyed all the belongings in the flat i had been living in alone for 6 month previous and i had done some damage to myself. I was found semi conscious at the church next to my mams house, to this day i still find it kind of strange that it was my mam who found me.
Anyway , i was put on medication, and my problems were out in the open, things picked up for a while, i was quite ill and hospitalised a few times with other ilnesses but things were much better than they had been, im off my medication now i have been for the last year because i have stomach problems and the tablets irritate my stomach, things aren't nearly as bad as they were, i dont mentally count anymore or do any rituals but the constant fear of death, both mine and loved ones is definately back, anyway im starting to come to terms with the fact that I will always be this way and i feel that people will probably be bored with my story now.
I just want to say that none of the things ive said has been exaggerated, and there are lots of other elements of my problems that i havnt mentioned, but i dont want people to think that i count my problems to be worse than theirs, everybody has their own personal demons to battle with, and to others who are suffering with problems due to mental illness you have my deepest sympathies and i hope things work out for you. Thanks for listening, I apologise for spelling mistakes or if you find it hard to read, i have difficulties trying to word my problems, any feedback would be appriciated as this is the first time i have been frank and honest about my problems.
Cheers Si
For the next four years of my life (1998 - 2002), i would perform my rituals hundreds of times per day, and the panic attacks were happening, several times per week, the panic attacks moved from fear of having heart attacks to brain tumours to cancer to H.I.V, the only time i was free from ocd and panic was when i was drunk, so i began drinking heavily, it all came to a head in 2002, i had been awake drinking for 3 days, i had been severly depressed for a while and i could feel something was going to happen, i dont want to go into to too much detail about what happened that night because its very painful to remember, but basically i had destroyed all the belongings in the flat i had been living in alone for 6 month previous and i had done some damage to myself. I was found semi conscious at the church next to my mams house, to this day i still find it kind of strange that it was my mam who found me.
Anyway , i was put on medication, and my problems were out in the open, things picked up for a while, i was quite ill and hospitalised a few times with other ilnesses but things were much better than they had been, im off my medication now i have been for the last year because i have stomach problems and the tablets irritate my stomach, things aren't nearly as bad as they were, i dont mentally count anymore or do any rituals but the constant fear of death, both mine and loved ones is definately back, anyway im starting to come to terms with the fact that I will always be this way and i feel that people will probably be bored with my story now.
I just want to say that none of the things ive said has been exaggerated, and there are lots of other elements of my problems that i havnt mentioned, but i dont want people to think that i count my problems to be worse than theirs, everybody has their own personal demons to battle with, and to others who are suffering with problems due to mental illness you have my deepest sympathies and i hope things work out for you. Thanks for listening, I apologise for spelling mistakes or if you find it hard to read, i have difficulties trying to word my problems, any feedback would be appriciated as this is the first time i have been frank and honest about my problems.
Cheers Si
