Although I've been like I am forever, I've noticed that compared to now, a few years ago I was able to enjoy and appreciate small things more. Like I remember a few years ago I enjoyed staying up really late, just on the computer, without even any communication with people, and felt good when I went to bed. Now it just feels normal, and I rarely feel good now. Maybe that's just because I've got used to it, or all to do with not being able to give or receive love. But I feel like I'm always waiting for something. Nowadays I don't feel like getting out of bed most of the time, unlike many years ago I would get up pretty much as soon as I woke up. Listening to music most times never fails to bring enjoyment, but then I'm back to normal again, and doing my own musical things is the only thing I really feel motivated for, although when that's not going well I feel terrible. The limited amount of communicating on the internet I get to do probably brings me the most joy on the internet now, BUT that means when I feel other people don't want to communicate with me, I feel worse than before. I can't seem to live in the moment any more. I kind of think "after this has happened or I've done this I'll feel good and I can live". But it feels like my brains fed up of living and is waiting to die, where as my heart still wants to do and enjoy things. I also feel like my minds overcrowded with unnecessary thoughts, about every small detail of whatever I do. I don't know maybe I'm just in a depressive wave.
And I feel like I need to get away. I get tired of living amongst my family. I feel I get closer to enjoying things when I'm alone. But I am very lonely, I just want the company of an actual nice friend rather than family, when I do want company.
And I feel like I need to get away. I get tired of living amongst my family. I feel I get closer to enjoying things when I'm alone. But I am very lonely, I just want the company of an actual nice friend rather than family, when I do want company.
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