End of my tether

[Funkymunky]

Im 23 years old (feeling 90) and the way my days disappear I'll be 24 by the time I finish writing this.I cannot leave the house...my partner of four years left when I became ill and my life just stopped.I recently got a myspace and found all my old friends...still all connected somehow...they have all travelled the world,seen and done everything and 'came of age' together with a thousand happy & crazy memories with more to follow...they have kept a priceless bond and are all interconnected in some way.Everything has dissapeared from life and i have spent 5 years sitting in my room,five years of treatments,hospital,depression,suicide attempts & drugged up hazeyness.

I have tried everything and now i am out of time...im too frustrated...my youth is fading...my life has yet too start...and even if i somehow survive all this pain and my life finally starts one day in my thirties ill never have a care free moment...ill have seen too much darkness to ever fully recover.I went from dreams of a life with my partner & friends,university,fun,seeing the world,a good career too complete depression and loneliness.After my breakdown i was diagnosed with depression,social phobia,agoraphobia,panic disorder,depersonalisation disorder,derealisation disorder,avoidant personality disorder & dependant personality disorder towards my ex.How do you ever get through this?...or convince yourself its somehow worth it?.I cant even remember what fresh air smells like!.I dont know what its like to wake up thinking of something other than suicide and spending all day just trying to pick your mood up to the point where when you actually stabalise your too scared to fall asleep.You dont want to lose it.You stay awake for over 30 hours untill you just cant be awake anymore...then you crash...you have nightmares and when you eventually wake you have to start all over again.All I do is fantasise about escaping everything,about falling in love and fleeing to some far of place in Japan or something totally emo and hippyish like an appartment in paris where i can just hide from life,forget my past and be in a stupid movie like dream state with someone by my side.I just struggle mostly with the realities of things so when i feel positive enough about life to have fantasies i just engulf myself into these daydreams untill it becomes too sad.

Ach i dunno why im posting this...im normally too tired to ever focus on the truth so i just talk p155.Guess I just wanted to use this caffeine induced momentum to write something 'real'.Sorry folks if this is a downer post,its just funny because now I feel alot better temporarily for posting this :roll: I dont think i do enough moaning so from now on im going to be a huge ass grump just to make myself feel better.Ive no friends too lose through being like this anyway.Ok too much reality,i have to go do something else...sorry for all my ranting...it wasnt externally productive but i just needed a place to type. :?

 

[Quixote]

I'm almost glad sometimes that I have all my problems since early childhood. I've read some posts like yours, of people who suddently "fell off" into this SP thing from a normal life, and I understand it must be worse than my own situation, since at least I had time to adapt and develop coping strategies. Not that my life is a very exciting one, but so far I have managed to somehow crawl along.
On the other hand, you have at least experienced what being a normal person feels like, while I even felt weird in kindergarten at the age of three. Twentyone years of boredom an depression later, here I am, still the same...

 

[Funkymunky]

Wow someone actually read my whole rant lol :wink:

That was a really nice post Quixote and a very empathetic one.Its so difficult to know which is worse.I think maybe they are equal in different ways?.

You have had to struggle with this for alot longer than me and have had to be braver for many more years.My memories may frustrate me and cause me to mourn and hanker for the old me,or my old life but perhaps they can help,they can remind me of a life without this illness and show me how it should be?...unfortunatly in your circumstance you may not have that?.Then again what if you can never truly beat this and have to see through the rest of your life with it.Perhaps never knowing anything other than this can help you accept it more and cope better?.I dont think one way is worse than the other but I have to tip my hat to you for coping and fighting through this for 21 years...you have strength that will take me 16 years to equal.

 

[lifes_to_long]

its weird when you described your escapism thoughts.Mine are freakly identicle litrally down to the flat in paris im not actually even joking.and the whole hippy thing,with my VW camper and fear and loathing life style man thats what i wanna be trippin on. far better than trippin' on your own "skin and teeth" anyway hope everything works out with your dreams and keep em near.
peace

 

[miss_moose]

i can really empathise with you, i was housebound too and stuck in my bedroom alone for 3 years, my fience dumped me after we'd been together 2 years because he was fed up with how i was "living".
it was really horrible but i started to beat my agoraphobia. i still suffer with depression and i have terrible social phobia, but im so much happy no that i can go out and feel normal.
i made an agoraphobia plan and i stuck to it, i worked so hard and still am but it gets easier to go out and im feeling more comfortable outside now, especially in a big park which i go to alot, its become my comfort zone
i'll PM it plan to you as it's quite long, i'll have to make a post about it on here too though so everyone can see it, but it;s stil abit rough at the mo.
if you stick to it though it should work for you as it did for me

love moosey xxx

 

[Funkymunky]

Thankyou so much for your email moosey.Sending all that information my way was such a nice thing for you to take the time out to do!.Im very grateful and I hope some of it helps,I'll really try to take as much as I can on board and see what I can relate to or use.Thanks for the site listings aswell,I will definitely check them out.Sometimes I do feel a bit disconnected from this forum and perhaps I should float to somewhere that focuses more on the severe end of the scale.You sound like your really gripping this with both hands though and staying focused despite the depression.Thats very inspirational and I wish you ever success in the future.

Thanks also lifes_to_long.I will try to keep these dreams,they help me when things are rough as long as I can float above the depression enough to have fantasies.Who knows mate,maybe one day i'll bump into you in some hippy cafe in Paris lol!.I'll recognise your VW camper parked outside :wink:

 

[corrinaelizabeth]

when i read ur post it brought tears 2 my eyes coz i feel exactly the same,life really does suck doesnt it?but when i came to this forum i was so surprised how many ppl also have social phobia and it helps loads just reading others posts.
I hope things pick up for you,but u really r not alone remember that
take care