dont think I have Social Phobia what do you think

[jellybean]

Hi there I thought I had social phobia but Im starting to think maybe I don't, my situation is that I was really hurt by close friends around me and I am extremely sensitive to other peoples comments and terrified of the feeling of rejection. I suffer from anxiety quite badly and I've noticed over the past while I have started to feel withdrawn, I did think it was social phobia as I did suffer from this before. Im not afriad to deal with people and I am working ok but I am very cautious about people and always feel it's a matter of time before they turn against me and are horrible to me, inevitabley it generally comes true - not always but a lot. Anway I just find that I shy away from others and keep myself at a distance

A) because I feel I am bad company and don't want to put myself and other people through it

B) because Im not really interested in spending time with the people around me

C) I hate one on one's I don't mind being around people if there is a group but with one other person I feel they will find me out that I have nothing to say

I feel exhausted having to talk and feel drained like all the life has been sucked out of me so now I have become a bit of a loner but am miserable and don't really want to be alone all the time, I am very lonely and would love to have the company of a close friend. I just can't seem to get out the of the hole I am in because in one way I want to stay there??????????????????? arg help I am trapped

 

[jus]

its like you described me.

We like to stay in the hole because its safe and secure.

People invite me out sometimes and i always turn it down, then i feel lonely and that i have no friends etc. Its just easier than having to do the daunting task of making conversation and being around people. From reading this site in the last few weeks and thinking about the last 10 or so years of my life ive finally come to the conclusion i wont change unless i actualy do something about it.

In regards to your questions 'social phobia, what do you think'
i dunno but what i noticed from reading this forum is its very easy to read through all the differant sections/threads and go 'oh ive got that 2, i'll add it to the list of whats wrong with me'.
Dont worry about what you might or might not have, just concentrate on each individual problem you need to overcome

Anway I just find that I shy away from others and keep myself at a distance

A) because I feel I am bad company and don't want to put myself and other people through it

B) because Im not really interested in spending time with the people around me

I feel exhausted having to talk and feel drained like all the life has been sucked out of me so now I have become a bit of a loner but am miserable and don't really want to be alone all the time, I am very lonely and would love to have the company of a close friend. I just can't seem to get out the of the hole I am in because in one way I want to stay there??????????????????? arg help I am trapped

 

[jellybean]

ye I know what you mean I was even asking myself did I have borderline personality disorder but I definitely do not. The problem I have is that I have been in therapy for years but I still can't seem to get passed this block in the road! I don't seem able to let go of the idea that I am bad company. I amen't even 100% convinced it's true. I am aware of the fact that I have everything going for me and the only thing holding me back is myself but still I remain firmly lodged in my little hole Im planning to move away this year to really force me out of my predicament but I don't know whether I will succeed and now Im afraid that I will be alone in another country instead of being alone here and thats worse coz at least here I have my familiar surroundings and my family!!!!!!! I really have to conquer this before I go away or else I will waste a good opportunity to meet people and make friends, help someone

 

[BreakingFree]

I am amazed at how similar our experiences are. Its good to know that you are not alone But its also disheartening to know what effort its going to take to get out of our black holes Is there someone with a magic wand out there?

 

[flake__]

A) because I feel I am bad company and don't want to put myself and other people through it


C) I hate one on one's I don't mind being around people if there is a group but with one other person I feel they will find me out that I have nothing to say

I feel exhausted having to talk and feel drained like all the life has been sucked out of me so now I have become a bit of a loner but am miserable and don't really want to be alone all the time, I am very lonely and would love to have the company of a close friend. I just can't seem to get out the of the hole I am in because in one way I want to stay there??????????????????? arg help I am trapped

I'd say these 4 things are classic social phobia symptoms.
--fear that you have nothing to say
--fear that you are boring/bad company/inferior
--takes so much energy to talk to people
--sensitive to comments and fear of rejection!

I have all four btw!

The fact that you say you have become a bit of a loner but are miserable shows these thoughts are enough to make you avoid certain social situations?

How much fear do you have before/during situations if you don't mind me asking.

I think 'social phobia' is a bit misleading because there are many things to look at apart from fear. With SP you usually get a depressed feeling too after you have talked to people because you are beating yourself up about how terrible you 'performed' and you feel rejected. It also takes so much energy to talk to people and is completely draining, which is hard in itself to deal with. If you obesrve your thoughts during a conversation though you realise how much thoughts are spinning around your head--this is what is exhausting you!

 

[flake__]

Is there someone with a magic wand out there?

The magic wand is inside ourselves already because there is no black hole in reality, only one inside our heads, and believe it or not we can take charge of our own heads! That takes time and effort though there is no easy way out.

 

[jellybean]

so is it just about telling yourself a spin at the start even if you don't believe it? Should I be saying to myself "I am good company" even if I don't believe it and eventually it will become reality?

 

[BreakingFree]

Aim for the moon and even if you miss, you will be among the

I wholeheartedly agree. The answers lies within, we need the fortitude to find it.

 

[JackHackett]

Definitely sounds like social anxiety to me.

The general advice is trying to change automatic negative thoughts in to positive ones.

You might not even realise you are doing it "they don't like me" "I can never think of anything to say" etc etc

 

[jellybean]

so what you mean is when Im in a situation where I feel like Im bad company reaffirm "I am good company" but what about the bare facts that I am quiet and don\t have all that much to say? the positive affirmations won't change that!

 

[flake__]

so what you mean is when Im in a situation where I feel like Im bad company reaffirm "I am good company" but what about the bare facts that I am quiet and don\t have all that much to say? the positive affirmations won't change that!

hey jellybean

Lol. You say 'what about the bare facts'. Are these bare facts? Are they perhaps not another belief in your mind. (I am struggling with this at the moment. It is the strongest belief to stop believing i think)

Questions i ask--
Do you think that if you felt absolutely no fear in a social situation that you would have nothing to say.
When you are 'in the moment' of thinking 'god, i have nothing to say' what is happenning in your mind? Could this stop you thinking of things to say?
What is my aim in a social situation. To impress all the others around me, or to enjoy myself. What is more important to me?

The thing is the 'negative' thoughts are false. The 'positive' thoughts you choose are much more likely to be true.

 

[jellybean]

I know what your saying but there are people who are boring, Ive heard other people talk about them, Ive heard people saying I dont want to go out with him or her coz she's boring! Im feeling like Im one of them, I dont laugh that much anymore and I feel like I suck the life out of people coz Im so serious. Actually while Im typing this I do realise that I am not always like this, I actually think my only problem is a one to one, Im fine in a group of 3 or more, it's only when I have to talk to one other person!!!! I find that in a group of 3 the onus is not on me to make the conversation. I was actually glad to read that people thought that I definitely showed signs of Social Phobia because I find it easier to tackle something when I know what it is Im trying to deal with. t least I can maybe start thinking about the fact that it's social phobia making me think things bad about myself and the beliefs I hold may not be true. Im on the cusp of understanding this I think but I don't know whether I will ever be able to say it to myself and believe it and not feel like Im telling myself lies

 

[flake__]

How about looking at this way--

You have heard that people are 'boring'. What is 'boring'? Do you think 'boring' is the same to one person as it is another? Do you think your version of 'boring' is identical to other people's.

And then, what is your version of boring exactly?

What does it take for you to do in a social situation for you to class yourself as boring in it. (I found not much).

Do you think it is possible by your standards to perform well in say, one on one interaction. Try to make a list of what you would ideally like to be like. Try then doing this list. If you did the list, was it enough for you to judge yourself as performing well. If you did not do the list, why did you not do it?

And, ultimately, would being 'boring' (remembering that this is different for everyone) matter that much anyway? Is it really worth trying so hard NOT to be boring. The fear, energy, effort, judgement etc etc. (Noticing that despite all this effort you hardly ever manage to judge yourself as 'performing well' afterwards).

The idea is just to question all the beliefs really.

I am the exact same as you--one-on-one interaction is the worst . More pressure to 'think of something to say'. Because of course that is the whole point of interaction--to 'perform well' to people, rather than getting anything out of the conversation myself :wink:

 

[jellybean]

ye I suppose I would like to laugh more and be funny, I just feel so serious, like I am heavy all the time, even when I am talking about light hearted things there is always an element of seriousness to it. I just seem to only be able to talk about serious issues at the moment like how hurt I am or how Im feeling in life, not to everyone but to a lot of people thats how I relate to them now I don't inappropriately talk to people I dont know very well in this way but to them it's just a mask where I talk waffle, I just feel I wreak of unhappiness!

 

[flake__]

Haha, same!! Can only genuinely talk about serious issues, rest of the time i feel like i'm just faking it. I don't talk to anyone about my sa tho good on you for being able to talk about your problems .

Ask yourself why you can only like to talk seriously. You might surprise yourself with the answer.

Also try asking yourself the questions i outlined above. Write down your thoughts. Go out and test out your theories. Notice the thoughts that go through your head when in a 'scary' situation.

Again, you might surprise yourself at the sort of thoughts going through your head and have a few realisations!!

Emotion is preceeded by interpretation, therefore you must be interpreting the situation in a scary way in order for you to feel fear.

 

[jellybean]

ye but say if I said on the list that I would like to have more of a laugh with people, like I would lie to be able to giggle like the way I did years ago, well I can't make that happen so I am not going to feel I have done enough if I just pretend to laugh, do you know what I mean? It's a good idea though, Im going to do it up and see what else comes up, have you done one? whats on it?

 

[flake__]

ye but say if I said on the list that I would like to have more of a laugh with people, like I would lie to be able to giggle like the way I did years ago, well I can't make that happen so I am not going to feel I have done enough if I just pretend to laugh, do you know what I mean? It's a good idea though, Im going to do it up and see what else comes up, have you done one? whats on it?

you mean the list of stuff to do? exactly. you are not able to do the stuff on the list. You want to but are not able. Why? You want to but are not able and then judge yourself for not being able. Is that fair?

I didn't need to go that far as it happenned i realised i never judged myself as 'not boring' no matter what i did.

Good luck with the rest!