Don't know why

[anders055]

Don't know why i had to be have the dishonor of having suffered from SAD , Avoidant ,paranoia, low self esteem . Did i get it because my father was extremely abusive and an introvert, or did i have some traumatic experiences as a kid that i don't remember? But i remember being very small and not able to join the other kids in play. It had started early and today at 27, i can still feel the anxiety creeping in sometimes, i get paranoid when i think of a future situation - like the worst will happen, and as a teen i avoided gatherings like a disease.

It has taken a toll on life now. No joys, No friends, the person i loved left due to my disorders and life through university, first job was hell because during those days i would be so out of tune with life that i failed miserably. Depression was always there but has increased as i keep losing more and more things in life. There doesn't seem to be any hope for me anymore.

I didn't deserve this. There were a few times when i did things a social phobic would never do, but they few and far between. When i ask 'Why did i have to be cursed like this', i have no answer. A lot of life is lost all thanks to my problems. But who can you blame when you're freaking born with it?

It's not easy to be punished for something i didn't bring upon myself. But the disorders have always been there and they have caused more enough destruction for one life. Trying to find some way out, and if i don't find one, then i can kiss my loser life goodbye.

 

[Iseesky]

There's always a way out, hun! No matter what your problem is! There's always a way to make things better.
Almost everyone here is somehow involved with a mental disorder of some sort. We're all working to try and make it better. It takes time, but it can be done. You are letting this beat you! There's nobody to blame! You need to know that this is your life. You shouldn't be ashamed of yourself. You're likely a good person.
I'm sure many of your problems have to do with embarassing yourself in front of others or expressing your true feelings right? Maybe not, but that's what my issues were! I've learned that the only way to beat this thing is to give up caring. Love the little things in life and not worry about who is laughing at you...who is calling you names...who is prettier or more handsome or more successful than you. You'd be suprised at how insecure most people are. Not just us crazy SAD ridden people, but loud people as well. People we look up to and think so highly of.
We're here to support each other. So, don't give up! We're working towards a common goal...

 

[reslo]

sorry to hear about the abuse you've had to go through.
i don't know why i'm like this. i've had low self-esteem my whole life-- i remember being in kindergarten, thinking i wasn't good at anything- those thoughts haven't changed since. we can't change our past or what we've done- our road to progress may be different than some one else's- we all do things at different levels.
you're leaving out good characteristics of yourself. did you graduate from university? even if you didn't, you have some school smarts (not every one makes it into college- not everyone graduates from high school) you probably have a desire to do well, and feel bad that you aren't where you want to be.

and also too- you say you failed miserably at your first job. i understand this can be painful but.. were you yelled at? broke things? made mistakes? late or didn't show up?i've been yelled at at jobs- it wasn't because i deserved it, it was because the person was an *******- like sure it made me feel like i was less than scum, but i know how they acted was unprofessional and an overreaction to the situation. i've also had times where i just completely forgot i had to work a certain a day- i feel like a TOTAL IDIOT when i get that "where were you?" call.

but sometimes also too- the little digs people make can sometimes hurt the most. i cried at work because my boss told me i was too slow. work is toughhhhhhhh..... chances are you made some honest mistakes. for me, i see my getting out of my depression like waking up in the morning- it's slow, takes a while, i'm not completely with it, and i may say or do some dumb things, and i can't quite think straight. i'm still trying to "wake up" from being depressed ( iwas doing absolutely nothing in my life for about a year and a half- just slept all day & watched tv rarely left my room no school no job, but the root of my depression is a lifelong thing) so even though im working now, it's extremely hard, and i make many many many many mistakes- just driving by my work on my off days causes my chest to tighten and my breathing to get shallow. i mean it is what it is, and i've accepted that.

i dont know if it helps, one book i reccomend is living fully with shyness and social anxiety by erika hilliard...

 

[chained]

I understand u, but there is no use in asking the question why.. nobody will answer.. and knowing why still wouldn't make a big difference.. I got stuff i shouldn;t have.. but u must ask how to beat it, not why.. that just makes it worse and makes u o nowhere

 

[planemo]

Don't know why i had to be have the dishonor of having suffered from SAD , Avoidant ,paranoia, low self esteem . Did i get it because my father was extremely abusive and an introvert, or did i have some traumatic experiences as a kid that i don't remember? But i remember being very small and not able to join the other kids in play. It had started early and today at 27, i can still feel the anxiety creeping in sometimes, i get paranoid when i think of a future situation - like the worst will happen, and as a teen i avoided gatherings like a disease.

It has taken a toll on life now. No joys, No friends, the person i loved left due to my disorders and life through university, first job was hell because during those days i would be so out of tune with life that i failed miserably. Depression was always there but has increased as i keep losing more and more things in life. There doesn't seem to be any hope for me anymore.

I didn't deserve this. There were a few times when i did things a social phobic would never do, but they few and far between. When i ask 'Why did i have to be cursed like this', i have no answer. A lot of life is lost all thanks to my problems. But who can you blame when you're freaking born with it?

It's not easy to be punished for something i didn't bring upon myself. But the disorders have always been there and they have caused more enough destruction for one life. Trying to find some way out, and if i don't find one, then i can kiss my loser life goodbye.

I feel your pain. I can relate to everything you just said. The destruction my phobias and overall weakness has caused me is nothing short of amazing. I too feel that I am born this way. I have been this way for as long as I can remember. Who do I blame? My father? He always showed me that he was ashamed of me, but was he ashamed because I was already a loner? Who else can I blame? It seems I need some type of reason in order to rationalise how one can be born with such a disadvantage. Did I somehow earn it? And if so, it could only of happened during my infant years. Can life be so cruel as to hold it against one the mistakes made, during a time one cannot even recollect? I feel cursed as well. Sometimes I wish I can wake up in someone else skin.