Does your partner understand?

[corsa]

oh i had a bit of a melt down last night and confessed a few of my insecurities to my partner. I've been under some stress for the past week trying to finish work projects, my SP has been playing up and it's making me feel very uptight and emotional. I don't know if it's the weather but i've been feeling really down lately. So anyway just before we were about to go to bed, i (fueled by a bottle of white wine) just starting crying and getting upset. (I should've learnt by now not to drink when i'm feeling this way).

I just told him about how i've been blushing and people freak me out and i worry about what other people think and i don't like looking into people's eyes and i think people are talking about me behind my back and i just can't deal with people, and i'm not normal, i'm different from other people, and i must just be crazy and it's so frustrating!....... anyway it went on like that... you get the drift.

And you know what? his reaction really pissed me off. All i wanted was for a hug or a 'don't worry everything is alright'. But instead he started asking all these why do you feel this way questions and getting really confrontational and challanging my way of thinking. I know he was trying to be supportive by making me see sense, but i just felt like i was being interrogated, like i was at fault. He wouldn't even listen to what i was trying to say at times. I would be like "i feel this way because.... " and he would cut me off and go 'the reason you feel this way is for this reason..." and it wasn't what i was trying to say at all!

And then i was all like; ' don't put words in my mouth, that's not how i feel at all, you say you understand, but you don't understand, would you stop and just listen to me! and then he would say "you're right i don't understand, why don't you tell me, where did all this come from? what sparked all this tonight? why do you always bottle everything up? why haven't you talked to me sooner...etc" and then he started turning all this stuff on himself saying 'oh what obviously i make this worse for you do i? and 'i'm to blame for you feeling this way, is that it? because obviously you're upset so i mustn't be making you happy?' I thought that was so incredibly selfish for him to bring himself into it. Doesn't he get it?, THIS ISN'T ABOUT HIM AT ALL.

AARRGHHH! it was just so frustrating, he was trying to help but making it worse in the process. I was trying to be open and honest and i felt like i was getting punished for it. It would have been so much easier to have just kept my mouth shut.

Then what calmed me down was that he told me he used to be like me, and that it gets better with experience...etc. and he was getting upset that i was getting so upset, and he apologised for not understanding but that he would try to understand, and we would talk about this more when i've calmed down and feel like talking about it next.

He probably went to bed last night thinking i was crazy, hell, i think i'm nuts so what's to stop him. I just felt really vulnerable that's all, and i don't think it's right keeping all this stuff to myself, leaving him completely in the dark. We're supposed to help each other, not hide things from each other.

So yeah, i'm sorry for my rant, i'm blushing just writing this stuff, i'll probably end up deleting it.

I guess what i wanted to know is, what do your partners think about your problem? Is this a similar experience that they just don't get it? but they try to be supportive?

 

[black_mamba]

But instead he started asking all these why do you feel this way questions and getting really confrontational and challanging my way of thinking.

Thats exactly what you don't want to hear isn't it!

and then he started turning all this stuff on himself saying 'oh what obviously i make this worse for you do i? and 'i'm to blame for you feeling this way, is that it? because obviously you're upset so i mustn't be making you happy?'

That's just selfish, you're right, maybe he was so shocked by the news that he went a too far (couldn't control his emotions?) and didn't know he was upsetting you.

He probably went to bed last night thinking i was crazy, hell, i think i'm nuts so what's to stop him. I just felt really vulnerable that's all, and i don't think it's right keeping all this stuff to myself, leaving him completely in the dark. We're supposed to help each other, not hide things from each other.

Find a good webpage that describes social anxiety and its symptoms and show him. Maybe then he'll be able to understand how severe the problem can get and can offer more support. Just a suggestion, it worked for me although its difficult to understand something you've never experienced, so don't expect him to ever fully appreciate the condition.

I guess what i wanted to know is, what do your partners think about your problem? Is this a similar experience that they just don't get it? but they try to be supportive?

Exactly the same as your situation where I say how I feel and my partner [with good intentions] challenges my thought process, but quite aggressively. It's upsetting. Yesterday we were sat in a park and I told him about a phone call that scared me that day, but I was proud for going through with it. My partner started analysing every inch of what I had said (my worst fear!) and it was upsetting BUT he could not grasp why. So, naturally, it spiraled out of control into a full blown argument and I ended up sleeping on the sofa last night because I was so angry. (it was my fault that it turned into an argument though, I couldn't control myself)

Anyway, my partner is a good man and has actually helped me overcome a lot of my SA issues, but sometimes he just doesn't 'get it' which is very frustrating. You were good in that you at least understand that your partner probably didn't mean to hurt you: bare that in mind next time he starts moaning.

 

[Meow]

Ahhhh how much do I relate to you two.... LOL.

I can't say anything you haven't said but I feel you!!

I have issues with feeling like I don't get enough attention and affection from him, but when I bring this up he challanges me and it ends up in an argument. But all of my doctors I have seen have said the same thing, he needs to change in that aspect. He is a good, good man... and he loves me a lot but he's almost emotionaless sometimes and just too logical.

 

[cawth]

Arnt they all sometimes though, i think perhaps guys (on average) are not so great at talking in depth about worries like yours unless they have had to deal with them their selves. So perhaps we should expect them to take a little longer to think of the correct and pleasing answers we want to hear when talking about this stuff?? Its really hard though when your constantly thinking 'he really doesnt understand how hard sp is to cope with and how crap it makes us feel'. i guess it must be the same for guys in someways? do you think it is? wb xx

 

[seekingpeace]

I think men are "fixers". They want to look at a situation or problem logically and fix it, make it all better for those they love. It probably drives them crazy that they can't make us better purely by being rational. Ah, ain't love grand? :lol:

 

[cawth]

I think your totaly right there, and perhaps it is percived by us as a kind of negativity sometimes when actualy they are trying to be caring haha oh well give it a hundred years and perhaps they wil evolve into beings that can express themselves a little better! hahaha wb xx

 

[black_mamba]

I have issues with feeling like I don't get enough attention and affection from him, but when I bring this up he challanges me and it ends up in an argument.

So you mean he challenges you into thinking he is giving you enough attention, that sort of thing?

I think men are "fixers". They want to look at a situation or problem logically and fix it, make it all better for those they love. It probably drives them crazy that they can't make us better purely by being rational. Ah, ain't love grand? :lol:

Interesting idea, obviously it wouldn't hold true for the severely SA males out there otherwise they'd have recovered with simple rational and logical thoughts: 'I'm nervous but I have no need to be, therefore now I will cease being nervous.' :lol:

 

[blubs]

I think men are "fixers". They want to look at a situation or problem logically and fix it, make it all better for those they love. It probably drives them crazy that they can't make us better purely by being rational. Ah, ain't love grand? :lol:

totally true in my case. If I ever look for support from my boyfriend it ends up in an argument...because generally all I want is a hug & a bit of cheering up..& instead I get a lot of anger because he thinks I'm asking for him to fix everything...which obviously he can't.
He has built our kitchen though...

 

[Meow]

I have issues with feeling like I don't get enough attention and affection from him, but when I bring this up he challanges me and it ends up in an argument.

So you mean he challenges you into thinking he is giving you enough attention, that sort of thing?

Yes that's pretty accurate. And he likes to say "this is just your illnesses" but it's not. I just think sometimes he needs to pay me a little bit more special attention, knowing i'm sick and feeling very bad, especially on those down days. But he likes to get into "but WHY are you depressed" because I have depression and I feel ignored by you!!! lol. I think he needs to pay me more attention generally also. He's very work orianated and I sometimes feel 2nd best to that.

My husband loves me A LOT and supports us financially and otherwise BUT he's very robotic, wants to get from A- B without a hitch whereas i'm more likely to go from A-C-B-E-D lol. He is very logical and tries to get logical about my sicknesses, medication and therapy but that just ends up hurting when all I want like Blub said is a hug and some cheering up!

 

[black_mamba]

God, we should all write a doctrine of advice for our partners. A list of principles to help them understand being being depressed doesn't always have to be logical, and that a simple hug is all we need, not an analysis or running commentary.

 

[young]

My ex fiance. Kinda sorta understood. That I had problems. But I don't think she fully understood it. I'm sure for others it's kinda hard to understand what we go through. When we have an episode. Unfortunately, not being able to do all those things that normal couples can do. Was the downfall of our relationship. And now I'm paranoid that it will happen again. So now i'm reluctant to even make any attempts at talking to anyone.


Now i'm sad...