Does having a b/f or g/f really help?

[thequietone]

For someone with SA, is it bad to go looking for someone? or should you fix yourself mentally first? Does being in a relationship give you the needed confidence?

 

[crazyfairyx]

I think it depends on the individual, I definately don't think getting a g/f or b/f solves any SA problems, if anything it creates a lot more SA problems (dating, being comfortable with your partner, meeting their friends / family ect). I think ideally it's best to focus on your own improvement before looking for a relationship, but you never know when you'll fall for someone. I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years now, and I wasn't amazingly stable when we first got together, but he was very understanding, and in some ways that did help me with my SA, but if I had been any worse I probably would have ended up destroying the relationship. But I couldn't help falling for him, and so the time was 'right' because it all worked out in the end.

Being in a relationship doesn't necessarily give you confidence either, in some respects it highlights any feelings of negativity you have about your body, sexual abilities ect. Plus, if your partner isn't understanding then you might end up feeling even worse about yourself because they will be constantly asking why you won't go for dinner with them, or have sex with the lights on, or meet their parents and so on.

I think with relationships and SA, you really do have to focus on your own improvement, but if someone comes along who is understanding who you feel comfortable (ish) with, then don't push them away. If you go looking for relationships it might make you feel even worse anyway because any sign of rejection can be very brutal to a SA-er. So all in all, I don't think there's a simple answer to this one lol

 

[iamantisocial]

For someone with SA, is it bad to go looking for someone? or should you fix yourself mentally first? Does being in a relationship give you the needed confidence?

Being in a relationship... or a fake one like I had... where I thought she loved me blablabla... made me feel so happy. I swear I became the happiest person in the world for a few months. Just thinkin about her consistently and being just happy around her. Its hard to explain but I was in a complete state of happiness and motivation around her.

I would still get up at 7 am for an 8 am class even if I slept only 2 hours... Because I would get to see her again. She always became my motivation for everything. Like... I would dropped out of college as early as the 2nd semester of my first year in it... but because of her, I was just really motivated and aced it.

But once she was gone, it really hurt me like hell... I was never been hurt that much in my life and I swear for the first 2 weeks I was completely disoriented and went out there obsessively searchin for answers on why she left me bleblebla...

2 fuckin years later... here I am... with a completely different mindset. Parents, brothers... everyone I knew noticed a change in my personality. I was not like that before. I became a different person. I was lucky to survive... I contemplated suicide cuz of her... I was like... what have I done why did you hurt me? I loved you so much and you did this to me? Yeah...


Bottomline... Relationships can be good or bad at the same time.

GOOD SIDE:
- Someone to talk to and listen on a regular basis... The feeling that you are loved and you are important in this world.

BAD SIDE:
- Increased risk of being totally dependent on the other person. Once the other person leaves the relationship, you will be hurt really bad. You will be hurt so bad that you will just want to kil l yourself. And if you survive the suicidal phase, you will be a totally different person.

Well... I changed from being uber-timid with extreme SA to someone with mild SA and with an inclination for violence. I dunno... something mustve snapped in my head that made me just crave for violence. Receiving and inflicting violence that is... and the obsession to prove how tough I am... cuz I believe she left me because I was a weakling.

 

[young]

It helps with the sex, tremendously.

 

[Septor]

It helps with the sex, tremendously.

That it will. :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[renegade]

For someone with SA, is it bad to go looking for someone? or should you fix yourself mentally first? Does being in a relationship give you the needed confidence?

YES :wink:

 

[black_mamba]

For someone with SA, is it bad to go looking for someone? or should you fix yourself mentally first? Does being in a relationship give you the needed confidence?

This mentality of trying of 'fix' yourself before persuing the things you want is very dangerous, you'll end up waiting your entire life trying to sort your head out whilst putting off the very things that may help.

As everyone here has confirmed, having a partner can be both good and bad. I tend to lean towards the positive benefits of being in a relationship, but let mejust point out the bad part, since I am having major problems with my partner at the moment:

Think of it this way, you meet someone you really really like, you end up falling in love! Wow. Sure, you'll be the happiest person alive for a while. Life is good. Your social problems blend into the background. But remember, you've just developed the capacity to feel SO strongly about someone, if things turn sour imagine the magnitude of this feeling, but 100% negative - thats heartbreak. And you don't only get your heart kicked in when you split up, it can be everytime you argue with your loved one and they say something hurtful towards you, for example. It's painful, very very painful.

Anyway, yeah go for it, but understand that, potentially, feeling so positive can mean that you will feel very negative at times too. If you're purposely putting it off before fixing yourself then its something only you can decide on. For some of us, finding someone outgoing (as long as they're understanding about our issues) can be a great form of therapy.

 

[miss_moose]

Having a boyfriend deffinatly helped me, before daniel i was housebound, lonely, depressed, suisidal. then i fell in love with my best friend, he fell in love with me and everything got much better. i was happy, i had someone who was so loving and supportive, he's just been there with me everystep of the way and i can go out now and even though i struggle i lead much more of a normal life that i did in those 3 years of being alone.
Being happy helps so much because it makes you feel more motivated.
Daniel is my support person and because he's never known me when i've been well he knows exactly what he's getting with me and exactly what to expect, he's helped me to become for independent too

 

[thequietone]

So i guess the bottom line is, it's wonderful if it lasts, but if it doesn't work out it's a living hell? :?

 

[testobot]

So i guess the bottom line is, it's wonderful if it lasts, but if it doesn't work out it's a living hell? :?

Hmmm... yes, it can be. I suppose that it hurts a little less each time after rejection or a bad relationship ends, but the pain the pain of losing someone does eventually go away, no matter how severe-- I know that from experience...

Also, each of my 4 'real' relationships have been a learning experience for me about what doesn't work and who is compatible. I would suggest that if you are looking for a lasting relationship then you should try to look for compatibility-- someone with a similar personality and values. I'm not suggesting looking for a clone For example, my fiancee is a talkative person and I am normally not (but I am able to talk more freely around her), but overall we both share similar mannerisms, humor, and similar values and outlook on life.

As far as waiting, sure, take a rational approach and learn to value yourself and try to find some stability in yourself... but like someone else said here- you should not try to 'fix' yourself to such a degree that you always use it as an excuse to put things off. Overall I think the risk is worth it

 

[testobot]

oh sorry, to answer your actual question.. being in a relationship has helped me, mostly when I am around her or interacting with her. As far as my daily life without her- I have only seen modest improvements, but having something positive in my life has helped, especially in the mood department-- mostly it is up to me, with or without her to improve my SA, but she does help.

I think generally relationships go through phases-- on average we all go through the 'I'm in love phase'- the romantic love buzz phase which last about 6- 24months (24 months if you are lucky). What keeps us together with our partners is compatibility, friendship, a bond caused by companionship, the ability to communicate problems and respect each other's opinions whether similar or different. Without respect a relationship won't last.

 

[Quixote]

For someone with SA, is it bad to go looking for someone? or should you fix yourself mentally first? Does being in a relationship give you the needed confidence?

I see it in a slightly different way: in order be able to get someone to like me, I have to fix a few minor issues in my life (like being friendless, jobless, depressed, etc...) that would make my "looking for someone" rather pointless.

As for the confidence part, you need it in the first place in order for the relationship to start, so it's a cause rather than an effect, at least for guys.

 

[itsnotjustme]

I believe you should fix yourself first, but understand that you'll never be perfect. You just need to get to a point where you can feel good about yourself w/o having somebody reassure you. Otherwise, you could fall for the first person who comes along just because they make you feel better about yourself. I was married for 4 yrs. to the wrong woman and its not a road I would want anyone to go down. In the end, you look back and realize you wasted so many years of your life and you're right back where you were when you started.

 

[LittleMissScareAll]

Having a boyfriend hasn't really helped my social phobia(like somebody else mentioned, you gotta meet their family and stuff like that--which they were all nice but when I first met them I was very nervous...but now I dont think I'd be so nervous around them)...but it's helped my depression quite a bit. Alot actually. Right before I met my current boyfriend I was feeling horrible...lots of suicidal thoughts and stuff... I almost considered not going to meet him because I was so depressed I thought "What's the point of meeting anybody else?" But I'm definitely glad I went now...I think my situation would be alot worse now if I hadn't.
The bad thing is if you get a boyfriend/girlfriend that dumps you...at least in my case...it makes me feel sooo much worse...so that's kind of a risk you gotta take... it's nice if you can find the right one, or at least somebody decent enough to still keep talking to you and let you down easy, but when you go out with a jerk(like most of my exes) who just stop talking to you altogether and dont even bother to tell you they're dumping you...well , that's not so easy. :? But my boyfriend makes me happy...of course things arent perfect...life will never be perfect...I worry every day that he'll stop talking to me or find somebody better than me...

 

[Horatio]

being alone all the time kinda really sucks and I guess I will always feel like Im missing out on a huge part of life by being single

but besides the fact no girl will have me, I dont think I could actually have a relationship cause of my SP/Depression/Anxiety

I think Im too fucked now. I would never believe tht any gal would actually like me in that way. Im nearly 24, I have never learnt how to have a relationship.

 

[shygal]

My hubby has been a big help to me although I am still incredibly shy and panic when meeting people

 

[Quixote]

I think Im too fucked now. I would never believe tht any gal would actually like me in that way. Im nearly 24, I have never learnt how to have a relationship.

Don't worry, I'm 24 already and the rest is exactly the same

I don't know about you, but I have given up on the idea itself and it feels better now.

 

[lovemylas]

Goodness. So many lonely souls on here. I'll try to help you guys someday. :wink: Trust me.

The concept of having love in your life, helps you to feel better about yourself whether you have SA or not. But I assume it's even more powerful when you do. And like anyone who realizes an unnecessarily high concentration of favor toward someone(highschool crush, first love, etc.) it's natural for you to be more devistated than normal, if the relationship ever breaks up.

So, what should you do, if it does? Well, I'm no expert but if it were me, I would say to myself, "I have to remember, this person liked me enough to give me a shot, so I must have something good about me. So, what I should concentrate on is why this relationship failed, and try to work that out, so I won't make the same mistake when that new person comes along. I know there will be, because I just had someone."

It's how we all grow, I think. Hope I could help out. :wink:

 

[robbied84]

Well I always thought I would end up single but I did have a boyfriend last year and it lasted for 9 months! And while it didn't make me "better" I felt happier that there was someone there that I loved, who loved me (for some reason!!!), who would be there..... it was amazing while it lasted. Whether or not they're a gf or a bf, I think a partner, someone you can be close to, and somebody that understands you (my bf didn't understand me and I think that might have led to us splitting up), can help more than anything else in the world :!:

 

[black_widow]

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