Pipnik
New member
Hello, I am 25 and would say I have had advanced but not chronic SP since becoming a teenager. I am lucky in that I had a great childhood. Normal middle class family, stable parents with annoying older sister.
I had a great time as a child, lots of friends no cares, the works. Then puberty hit, highschool came around and I, as alot of kids do, got Acne.
Acne destroyed all my confidence at the critical stage of going from adalescent to adult and is the sole reason for my lingering SP to this day, and the primary shaper of my personality and character.
I can remember the event clear as day about 14 years ago when I was at badminton training and my partner suddenly said "Haha your getting Acne". I didnt even know what the word meant, and blissfully forgot the comment 10 seconds later, little knowing that the purile statement was the begining of what would make me the way I am now.
Highschool started off ok, I made friends and became part of a fairly large social group. We werent the cool kids or the goths or skaters or geeks or nerds, we were pretty much just the normal regular kids.
Then as my acne got worse I started to withdraw. I would only socialize with people in our group, followed by prefering mainly the inner circle of our group.
Then as we got got a couple of years older into the 14+ age ranges the whole boy meets girl evolution happened. This is when my confidence was crippled the most. Our groups mixed with girls groups, my friends started going out with girls the usual normal process of growing up. My acne made me acutely shy of girls, I didnt want to talk to them, I didnt know what to say to them, I was convinced they considered me repulsive.
Over time this just exacerbated my general shyness making me into an introvert and very private adult.
My acne cleared up around I think 20, I still get the odd spot to this day but most of the time its hardly noticable.
But im still left with a deep legacy. As I said im a very private person, quite introverted. I do have friends although I keep them small and dont hang out with them on a daily basis. I like to spend alot of my free time alone and do what are normaly considered social activities like going the cinema alone. Not because of SP you understand, I just really value my personal space and like being on my own, but this feeling is a result of it.
Fortunatly I am not as bad as others I have read about here and eslewhere.
My worst problems are public speaking and generally being the centre of attention, especially when having to perform at work, to colleagues, or anyone really. Terror, panic and most annoyingly addled brains (which only fuels the paranoia and problem) all result from these situations. Not only in immediate situations that arrise but in advance aswell. If I have a job interview or know that I have to speak publicly I will get painful anxiety for the days leading up to it.
Making new friends is a slow process for me aswell. I have to have a long warmup period to new people I meet before I feel completely comfortable talking to them alone and in a group setting.
A major sub aspect of this is mixing social groups. When im with my friends and we meet another group whos half friends with some of our groups etc.
A normal person would just jump right in and talk to people from both their own and the new group, where as I will avoid people from the new group and prefer to talk only to people from my group.
I have to say this particular issue is what bothers me the most about meeting new people. It gives a very 'outside of the circle' feeling which is very uncomfortable. My friends are making new friends while I am not and at the same time I am alienated from my friends because they are talking to people I dont want to interact with.
Lastly due to my SP and the person it has made me into I believe that I am now incapable of deep emotional connections to other people, non romantic and romantic. My friends while I like them and for the most part like spending time with them its very easy to drift apart and simply let them fade away. Partners its much the same, we get on great but theres no love, no bond that makes love what it is, just two people having a good time togther.
I am just far to private to ever make such a connection with a friend or partner. I am not generaly a depressive person, although once in awhile it will get me feeling down for a day, for the most part I just feel cheated out of something every person is supposed to have by birthright.
The simple ability to make friends, fall in love and interact with others of your species on the most basic level should be universal. Sadly in my experience it is not.
I had a great time as a child, lots of friends no cares, the works. Then puberty hit, highschool came around and I, as alot of kids do, got Acne.
Acne destroyed all my confidence at the critical stage of going from adalescent to adult and is the sole reason for my lingering SP to this day, and the primary shaper of my personality and character.
I can remember the event clear as day about 14 years ago when I was at badminton training and my partner suddenly said "Haha your getting Acne". I didnt even know what the word meant, and blissfully forgot the comment 10 seconds later, little knowing that the purile statement was the begining of what would make me the way I am now.
Highschool started off ok, I made friends and became part of a fairly large social group. We werent the cool kids or the goths or skaters or geeks or nerds, we were pretty much just the normal regular kids.
Then as my acne got worse I started to withdraw. I would only socialize with people in our group, followed by prefering mainly the inner circle of our group.
Then as we got got a couple of years older into the 14+ age ranges the whole boy meets girl evolution happened. This is when my confidence was crippled the most. Our groups mixed with girls groups, my friends started going out with girls the usual normal process of growing up. My acne made me acutely shy of girls, I didnt want to talk to them, I didnt know what to say to them, I was convinced they considered me repulsive.
Over time this just exacerbated my general shyness making me into an introvert and very private adult.
My acne cleared up around I think 20, I still get the odd spot to this day but most of the time its hardly noticable.
But im still left with a deep legacy. As I said im a very private person, quite introverted. I do have friends although I keep them small and dont hang out with them on a daily basis. I like to spend alot of my free time alone and do what are normaly considered social activities like going the cinema alone. Not because of SP you understand, I just really value my personal space and like being on my own, but this feeling is a result of it.
Fortunatly I am not as bad as others I have read about here and eslewhere.
My worst problems are public speaking and generally being the centre of attention, especially when having to perform at work, to colleagues, or anyone really. Terror, panic and most annoyingly addled brains (which only fuels the paranoia and problem) all result from these situations. Not only in immediate situations that arrise but in advance aswell. If I have a job interview or know that I have to speak publicly I will get painful anxiety for the days leading up to it.
Making new friends is a slow process for me aswell. I have to have a long warmup period to new people I meet before I feel completely comfortable talking to them alone and in a group setting.
A major sub aspect of this is mixing social groups. When im with my friends and we meet another group whos half friends with some of our groups etc.
A normal person would just jump right in and talk to people from both their own and the new group, where as I will avoid people from the new group and prefer to talk only to people from my group.
I have to say this particular issue is what bothers me the most about meeting new people. It gives a very 'outside of the circle' feeling which is very uncomfortable. My friends are making new friends while I am not and at the same time I am alienated from my friends because they are talking to people I dont want to interact with.
Lastly due to my SP and the person it has made me into I believe that I am now incapable of deep emotional connections to other people, non romantic and romantic. My friends while I like them and for the most part like spending time with them its very easy to drift apart and simply let them fade away. Partners its much the same, we get on great but theres no love, no bond that makes love what it is, just two people having a good time togther.
I am just far to private to ever make such a connection with a friend or partner. I am not generaly a depressive person, although once in awhile it will get me feeling down for a day, for the most part I just feel cheated out of something every person is supposed to have by birthright.
The simple ability to make friends, fall in love and interact with others of your species on the most basic level should be universal. Sadly in my experience it is not.
