Do I suffer from Social Phobia?

[KatyLou]

Been on a few forums lately for help and advice and I'm still not sure I'm in the right place.....

My doctor has put me on the waiting list for CBTherapy, I always thought I was just prone to feeling down and I have been on anti-depressants in the past and I used to suffer from panic attacks although I havent had one for years now. I always thought I was just a bit more sensative than the average person with regard to what people thought of me, I cant have a conversation with someone (other than people I know well) without worrying what they think of me or saying something stupid but I've been like that ever since I can remember.

My main issues in life at the moment:

I have an intense fear of driving (the list of things that could go wrong are endless)
Fear of returning to work (interviews, getting job and not being able to do it properly and looking stupid, answering the telephone.........)

My nerves are constantly on edge - I even jump out of my skin when the post comes through the letterbox or the phone rings

I've been a Full Time Mum for 6 years and I now need to get a job but my fears are holding me back

My heart is thumping like mad now even just thinking of these things.

I just dont know if what I feel is classed as social phobia because I dont have panic attacks anymore, I just get the 'flight or flee' feeling whenever I'm in a situation I dread, and I'm just tired of worrying about what people think of me all the bloody time!

I'm even worrying about posting on here - you might just think I'm just a winge but what I feel is intense to me. I could go on but I wont :wink:

 

[Jack-B]

Hi KatyLou,

Lovely to hear from you.

Your post indicates that you experience mild/strong anxiety in situations where you know you should be in control but feel mainly out of control.

Your nerves are contantly on edge because you know that there are situations in your day which make you feel out of control and anxious. This leaves you in a state where your mind is now almost always on edge even to the point of something non threatening like post through the door. Its like your whole day becomes contaminated by this unpleasant feeling.

In my opinion, i wouldn't say you have a social phobia, but if left, you may be tricked into thinking people are the problem, they're not.

Anxiety is a deceptive state of mind which makes us believe we are scared of things people situations. It projects fear onto whatever we are experiencing. If anxiety is generated around others a lot of the time, we may be classed as having a social phobia. I would say you generally deal with a lot of anxiety.

My short term suggestion to you would be to try and not identify the anxiety as who you are, just watch it without getting too involved. Notice how this nervous energy appears, let it pass away, the more accepting of it you become the less you fight it, the less it appears.

Good luck with the CBT

Jack

 

[KatyLou]

Social Phobia

Thanks Jack

Your reply makes a lot of sense

I've spent a good couple of hours on here tonight, looking at the posts and thinking yeah I do that, I think that way, thats happened to me but theres a lot of things I can do which I suppose a person with social phobia would find really hard, for instance I could stand up in front of a group of strangers and tell them about myself (which I have done although it was uncomfortable for me)

I was always the new girl at school due to my parents moving house all the time and being a very quiet child I dont think it did my confidence much good and I never felt like I fitted in anywhere. In my first job I worked for my Uncle's business and was always put down and made to feel stupid for making petty mistakes, I can still remember clearly my first time on the switchboard (a very scary thing for me at 16) and my uncle walking past and saying 'this is a business not a nursery - sort her out!) Something which may not sound that harsh to most people but it stuck and I've never been comfatable talking on the phone since.

I do worry what people think of me all the time and scrutanise conversations, going over what I've said and how stupid I must have looked to them, people who shouldnt matter really like the mums in the school yard who I hardly know, the woman who I see at the local shop...

As I said in my 1st post I have been on several sites, the last one was for OCD sufferers which had an anxiety forum, when I posted there they said it sounded like I had Social Phobia so thats why I'm here and I must admit I do feel more at home here!

It would just be a relief to put a name to it, I'm not depressesed (although suffered post natal depression after both my kids were born),
Even though I suffered from panic attacks in my early 20's I dont have them anymore, I'm not housebound, It would just be nice to talk to people who know where I'm comming from.

I will try an Anxiety site and see if I tick all the boxes on there but I'll be back :lol:

 

[KatyLou]

I've tried about 5 anxiety sites but theyre full of old posts and well....not brilliant
Anyone know a good one :?:

 

[uk_27]

Hey Katylou

Welcome to the club..................sucks don't it!!!????? lol

 

[random]

KatyLou,
You sound a bit like me. For years I had ways of describing myself - oh I was 'introverted' or 'shy' but then how could I get up and speak in public, train a group of people etc? My friends or co-workers don't think I have Social anxiety.
What you describe - getting up in front of a group of strangers - I can do with 'normal' amounts of fear because I don't consider it personal. Strangers are 'easier' - they will be gone soon enough, I can say whatever I like, be whoever I really am, and it disappears along with the strangers. My fears make it difficult or impossible for me to go to a Christmas party, a company dinner, a birthday party, out on a date or some other public event where it's more personal because I am afraid to be really known by people who I will see again, perhaps often.
Like you - I once doubted that I had social anxiety. I just posted on this site for the first time tonight and though there are many posts that don't sound familiar at all - it was a relief to find yours because I could relate. Thank you for posting KatyLou.

 

[KatyLou]

Thanks Random

Its all very confusing isnt it? I'm reading a book at the moment which is really helping me (Essential Help for your nerves - Dr Claire weekes)

I'm having to face my fears at the moment by attending interviews, I'm finding that although my fears are really intense 2/3 days before the interview (I get really negative and almost talk myself out of it) I find once I'm there It doesnt seem half as bad as I'd predicted. Although had to do a basic literacy and Numeracy test as part of the process with another candidate and I found it really hard to control my hand from shaking whilst the other girl seemed so confident (which made me worse)

Nobody would notice that I have an anxiety problem if they met me, I do seem to hide it well (although Loud/over confident people make me feel uncomfatable) If they could read my mind they would know what a total wreck I was!

 

[random]

KatyLou
I have to interview for the first time in several years and I am wondering about possibly freezing up in interviews. I have really benefited from CBT therapy - it really has helped but I know I am not done yet and I am wondering how I will handle interviews - I know it's hard on everyone. I am encouraged that you are taking it on. I tell myself that other people don't realize how I really feel inside and so that probably means that I don't know how other people 'really' feel inside. They may look calm, their hands may not shake, but there are other ways to experience fear or other unpleasant feelings and problems. I need to prepare a resume and really face the whole interview experience and I'm glad you got there ahead of me. I find it motivating.

 

[KatyLou]

Random

The endless books I've read have all said face your fears which I know is easier said than done but I'm now starting to realise that its the only way - the alternative is spending the rest of my life running away from them.

I'm currently on the waiting list for cbt and was wondering how many sessions you've had? could you feel any benefit after just a few?
-
I find it frustrating not being able to talk things through with people I know so it really helps being here, even my husband doesnt know the full extent of it, he just thinks I lack a bit of confidence.

I didnt get the part-time job I applied for but they have offered me a temporary full time job with better hours to cover maternity leave after xmas so I must have done something right.
In the run up to starting the job I will have to try my hardest not to worry about it (will I fit in? will they like me? will I learn as quick as they did?.............)so when I should be looking forward all I feel now is that dreaded feeling again.

I know what you mean by not being as worried when its not personal, I've been on many college courses and always fitted in well - but starting a new job where I will be Judged fills me with real dread.

 

[Jack-B]

KatyLou

"Nobody would notice that I have an anxiety problem if they met me, I do seem to hide it well (although Loud/over confident people make me feel uncomfatable) If they could read my mind they would know what a total wreck I was! "

If you could read other peoples minds, your anxiety would never arise. Why? Because, they too have unhappy minds, filled with worry, fear, pain, discontent, unfulfilled desires and expectations etc.

In your mind these thoughts of others are desirable, meaning you need to be thought of in a certain way or perceived as someone who is strong or confident for you to be happy about yourself, this is mistaken, they too are hiding their pain and disatisfaction with life.

Focus on their anxiety and your anxiety will dissappear.

Jack

 

[random]

KatyLou,
I know what you mean about not being able to celebrate the job opportunity because new fears arise - makes me mad sometimes because I feel like I am robbed of the rewards of facing my fears. Some of the books say "Feel the fear and do it anyway" on the assumption that whenever we are learning, growing, trying new things it's good and fear is natural. Ok but I add my own fear to that which is 'natural'.
Ah yes...college....I know the rather impersonal social 'rules' there and can play along but a dinner with my work group doesn't have any rules!
Perhaps your work mates should be worrying about whether you will like them, pick up things more quickly than they did etc.? I know what you mean - I worry over every little detail and I actually wouldn't mind if it actually HELPED me do scarey things. I don't know what the law of averages is but people in my building where I work all learn at different rates - stands to reason that many of them (800 total) learn faster than I do. You could put me in a room with 5 of them and maybe all five would be faster...or all five would be slower. It seems like a willingness to learn and ability to take constructive criticism would be more useful that top learning speed. Just my two cents.
I was in a differnt type of therapy before I enterred CBT (I dunno what it was called ) and some of it helped in a few sessions. Sometimes CBT helps in a few sessions with certain issues. Other issues take more time. All of us are different because we have different issues, different amounts of issues, different levels of self awareness, different therapists, different amounts of time that our lives will allow us to self reflect etc. I wish I could give you a better answer. I can say that CBT helps at a more rapid pace than the other therapy that I was in and that reviews I have read support the view that CBT tends to render more rapid results. But I don't want to discourage anyone who finds other therapies work best for them. My counselor encourages me to be patient because my issues didn't develop in the span of a few hours (sessions) so I should allow myself time to heal. I really do understand your desire for results....I REALLY want to get through, be done, finished, recovered etc. and I am not shy about saying so.

 

[KatyLou]

I don't know how others feel but with me I've felt like this since my teenage years, although its escalated in the last 2 years or so, therefore I've always thought it was part of my personality. It was only after seeing my doctor (and being told that my fears are not normal), reading books and being on here that I now know its an illness, which I find reassuring as I can overcome it.

 

[random]

KatyLou,
I thought that my SA started in my teenage years but I have begun to wonder if that's where some of the underpinnings of my problem became more visible because as you reach young adult hood you are social put in the limelight a bit more -expected to step forward and speak up etc.
I did believe that my behavior was 'normal' in the 'she's shy' or 'she's introverted' sense of the word. In college my friends had figured out that I was 'shy' so they tricked me into going to a party at a dorm by telling me we were going to the library. We parked in a residential area and they got out. I said "this isn't the library" and they said that they didn't tell me we were going to a party becauase they knew I wouldn't go. So they went in to the dorm and I had no where else to go. I went in. Longest might of my life. No place to hide. I went as far up the stairwell off the main living room as I could but could not go far enough to hide my feet so partiers in the living room and kitchen could see my feet the whole evening. I sat their - my friends had a great time and didn't understand why spent the night on the stairwell. They really thought that I was shy and just needed practice and they were tyring to give me that practice. I think that was my biggest misunderstanding - I kept thinking it was lack of experience or practice or plain old stupidity- I couldn't function etc.
I hated my lack of social skill and wondered why other people ENJOYED this. I wished so much that I could too. Over the years, many years, I forced myself to go to some social gatherings but its sad to be rigid with anxiety at some festive gathering where everyone is having a good time.
I cringe to see that my post is becoming 'book length'. I just identified with what you said.

 

[KatyLou]

Random

It doesnt matter how long your posts are - its reassuring to read them.
Its only because I dont have that much private time on the computer that my posts are not longer!

Personally none of my family or friends know my problem, my husband is a confident person and even though he tries to be understanding he cant relate to my fears at all so I dont tend to talk to him about them, so its good to 'talk' to like minded people here.

I will post again later as I have to rush off