I was bored and surf the net and googled "die a virgin" to see what comes up and I found this site so I decided to join and try to find solution to my problem.
So I'm 22, I'm a loner and I don't have friends, the few I know are just acquaintances, cannot be considered friends. Of course I never have girlfriend and still a virgin, I find girls most intimidating, especially the beautiful girls. It gets so bad that when I'm around or near an attractive girl, I would become super nervous and my face would turn red, my heartbeat raises and I act super awkward, it's very panicking, I mean I'm not even face to face with them or talking to them, and if I do talk to them my voice would change, for example when I go check out at a grocery store, if the cashier is an attractive girl then I have all the symptoms I described above, and to the point where I would rather go check out in another lane to avoid that attractive female, there's one thing that I want to fulfill right now is to get laid but it seems impossible, I'm just naturally scared of girls, I don't know why and what causes it. One of the reason I come up with is that because I'm Asian and living in the USA, I moved here when I was 10 and I'm now 22, I think I might do better if I just stay in Hong Kong and never emigrated, I mean back in school I never talk to girls and I was super afraid when I have to do a presentation and speak out in front of the class. I mean one of the reason being I'm very observant of things and I find myself don't fit in, like back during school when I see my classmate I would think of their skin color and facial features and culture and seeing myself being different from them, and I see those white people are so beautiful that I think to myself I wanted to be white and in my mind I degraded my own Asian race, and I viewed Asian as inferior and ugly compared to white folks, I see my white classmate's skin hair is blond and I wanted my hair to be blond also. But right now I don't think like that, that was back in middle school, I think I might have so OCD or some compulsive/intrusive thoughts. For example when I was in middle school I live in my aunt's house and I have a cousin, she is kinda fat so whenever she touches me, I have to wash my body area where she touches, I mean it's not like she intentionally touching me, just walk by or handing stuff to me, and I remembered I have a remote control car and when she touches the remote control, I have to wash it, etc. But right now I don't even do that, and to think back that was really stupid. Another reason why I think I have so much problems is that I grew up in a dysfunctional family, parent got divorced when I was maybe 4-5 years old and was raised by my mother, and I have no brother or sister, and I feel my mother made me feel guilty about sexuality, for example, when I was little, my mother prevents me from seeing female sexuality, such as TV commercial about sanitary pad/menstrual stuff commercial, she would immediately switch channel, when she changes a baby girl(my little cousin)'s diaper, she'd tell me to go away, she acts extremely serious about it, I remembered we were watching Titanic, it was only the beginning of the movie to the part where there was an old lady and there's a nude woman's painting art, my mother would makes some excuse and turn off the TV. Now that I'm an adult I think I'm all messed up and don't know what to do, I mean I have no directions in life and no companionship, what should I do?
So I'm 22, I'm a loner and I don't have friends, the few I know are just acquaintances, cannot be considered friends. Of course I never have girlfriend and still a virgin, I find girls most intimidating, especially the beautiful girls. It gets so bad that when I'm around or near an attractive girl, I would become super nervous and my face would turn red, my heartbeat raises and I act super awkward, it's very panicking, I mean I'm not even face to face with them or talking to them, and if I do talk to them my voice would change, for example when I go check out at a grocery store, if the cashier is an attractive girl then I have all the symptoms I described above, and to the point where I would rather go check out in another lane to avoid that attractive female, there's one thing that I want to fulfill right now is to get laid but it seems impossible, I'm just naturally scared of girls, I don't know why and what causes it. One of the reason I come up with is that because I'm Asian and living in the USA, I moved here when I was 10 and I'm now 22, I think I might do better if I just stay in Hong Kong and never emigrated, I mean back in school I never talk to girls and I was super afraid when I have to do a presentation and speak out in front of the class. I mean one of the reason being I'm very observant of things and I find myself don't fit in, like back during school when I see my classmate I would think of their skin color and facial features and culture and seeing myself being different from them, and I see those white people are so beautiful that I think to myself I wanted to be white and in my mind I degraded my own Asian race, and I viewed Asian as inferior and ugly compared to white folks, I see my white classmate's skin hair is blond and I wanted my hair to be blond also. But right now I don't think like that, that was back in middle school, I think I might have so OCD or some compulsive/intrusive thoughts. For example when I was in middle school I live in my aunt's house and I have a cousin, she is kinda fat so whenever she touches me, I have to wash my body area where she touches, I mean it's not like she intentionally touching me, just walk by or handing stuff to me, and I remembered I have a remote control car and when she touches the remote control, I have to wash it, etc. But right now I don't even do that, and to think back that was really stupid. Another reason why I think I have so much problems is that I grew up in a dysfunctional family, parent got divorced when I was maybe 4-5 years old and was raised by my mother, and I have no brother or sister, and I feel my mother made me feel guilty about sexuality, for example, when I was little, my mother prevents me from seeing female sexuality, such as TV commercial about sanitary pad/menstrual stuff commercial, she would immediately switch channel, when she changes a baby girl(my little cousin)'s diaper, she'd tell me to go away, she acts extremely serious about it, I remembered we were watching Titanic, it was only the beginning of the movie to the part where there was an old lady and there's a nude woman's painting art, my mother would makes some excuse and turn off the TV. Now that I'm an adult I think I'm all messed up and don't know what to do, I mean I have no directions in life and no companionship, what should I do?