Do I have APD or am I just VERY shy?

psykid

psykid

Member
I've been questioning this for a while now. I've always thought that I'm just shy until the past year. I've looked up a lot of personality disorders, and I have all the symptoms of APD.

Before grade 6, I wasn't shy at all. I first noticed my shyness in grade 6, but back then I was still able to talk to pretty much "fake' and outgoing kind of personality. Though as time went on the problem became worse and worse. Before university I had a few very close friends, but with anyone else I'm even afraid to make eye contact. If anyone looks at me in the eyes I look away immediately, and it would seem so rude to the other person but I really can't help it.

It was last year that I really started to think that it's not normal. Last year I lived alone, and I started to lose the ability to talk to the people that I was once very close to. It got to the point where when anyone talked to me I get so nervous that I can't pronounce anything clearly, then I kind of just stop talking. The others are decent enough to still try and be nice to me but I can tell that even the most talkative person in the university feels so awkward when they try to talk to me. I'm just so afraid to say anything inappropriate that I get so nervous and kind of just end up not saying anything at all except for one word answers.

I do feel inferior to others and I'm extremely sensitive. In fact I'm sometimes a burden to my closest friends because I have such low self esteem and confidence. I notice little things and sometimes when a person is preoccupied and doesn't reply to me with the nicest tone I get rather shocked/hurt and keep on thinking if they don't like me. Though rationally I know they're just busy, but I can't help feeling that way.

So eventually I stopped going to all of my university lectures, except for mandatory classes because I really do feel that it's much easier if I just shut myself in my room and do everything on my own. I really really do want to make close friends, and people around are very kind to reach out to me, but every time I just look down and reply with the softest mumble. Of course other people can only do so much, and they can't keep on trying to reach out to me if I don't know how to by myself with them.

Recently I had a dentist appointment. The night before that I couldn't sleep well at all because I know that when I go to the dentist I'll have to talk to the receptionist and everything. When I go shopping/restaurants, if I have a person that I'm comfortable talking to I always tell that person to pay + talk to the cashier for me because I'm afraid to.

So, I just thought this degree of "shyness" is kind of abnormal and am wondering if it's APD or just extreme shyness. Oh, and just in case this is necessary info, when I was young I was one of those kids that did get bullied but all those popular kids always stand up for me and give those bullies a good swipe ^^() So I wasn't really a person who was bullied by everyone.

Anyway, if anyone can help me out here it'll be greatly appreciate it.
 
Scully1

Scully1

Member
I'm no expert, but I would say you are more than just shy...just based on the examples you provided : "you get others to pay the bills at a restaurant so you won't have to do any talking". From what you say, things are getting progressively worse and you seem to really want to find a way to change. Maybe you should think about seeking therapy or even simply talking to your family doctor as a starter. My advice is to read and educate yourself about ADP and shyness. Plus, seek advice from a professional, as well as this or other forums. The more you understand what you are going through, the more chance you have of a succesful outcome. Try setting a few simple goals for yourself and when you are ready challenge yourself to do the opposite of what your instinct is telling you. For example, go and pay the bill at the restaurant yourself. The first time will be terrifying, maybe even the next time. But you will feel better for having tried. It's like a baby taking it's first steps. They fall, but then get up and try again. Hang in there, don't be ashamed (there are a lot of us who are going through the same thing) and have confidence that you can find a solution to your problem. Best of luck and keep us posted on your progress.
 
psykid

psykid

Member
Thank you for your support :D Yeah I've been trying to not not be like I was during the school year, so I'm trying to speak openly on the phone as a starter. I work from home during the summer so I think it wasn't really a good thing for me, but school's starting in a week.

Speaking of school, it's really freaking me out. I haven't been able to sleep well because of it... mostly because... well a rather terrible thing happened during first year (I'm entering 3rd year). And I think that was probably the thing that really made my APD (or at least on its way to, if I don't yet fully have APD) worse. I had a friend who went to uni with me in, it was just the us 2 and another acquaintance that went to that university, so you can imagine how important it was for us to have each other (and we were room mates). Also we were like sisters back then.... Well gradually she started treating me like crap, and finally she said that I was never her good friend, will never be her good friend, and that I was this dark creepy person that she'd like to stay away from. Now I know where she's coming from. I did get rather sad after entering uni, and I'm a self-injurer. I've always been pretty conscious of my kind of depressing side, and to hear that from her was like a nightmare, also I've known her since grade 9. When my other close friends heard about this their reactions were all like "wtf, that's so harsh, etc." ^^() so it's nice to know that they're supporting me. I don't wanna be too mean to my mean friend(?), she's not those unreasonable bully type, she's just spoiled and self unaware. Anyway that incident had an AWFUL long term effect on me, and since all of my friends in university are her friends too, I started to become very afraid of them too because I'd think that they'd think of me that way too (Though it turns out they were pretty supportive of me when my mean friend(?) told them about this bad thing between her and I, so that's comforting). Even though before this I was so open with them and I was so comfortable with them. I got afraid of meeting new people as well for the same reason, though before that I'm already somewhat afraid of strangers. It was from then on that my symptoms of APD developed a LOT. And well, the more I got scared the more they felt awkward with me, and because of that I can tell they're pretty nervous around me too... usually when they'd casually say hi to each other on facebook they don't talk to me, and I don't blame them, it's kuz they really don't know how to react when they're with me. When they do see me though they talk to me in the nice tone that doctors use to special need patients. Not that there's anything bad about that on their part, they're really trying to be kind, but it kind of just makes me more aware of the fact that I'm this nervous person who don't know how to communicate properly :(

It's just really nerve wrecking thinking about going back... especially since I've made the all the uni friends I've made feel nervous around me and don't know if I can be ok with them again. I really really hope that I'll be ok being with them again, because them and I could've been such great friends. I mean them and I were pretty good friends before this whole APD thing kicked in. So that's what's been really bothering me lately. Anyone have any suggestions about how I can feel comfortable with the friends that I use to be comfortable?

It's really nice to have found a place to talk about these things here. I've talked to my close friends before but I kind of feel like I'm really burdening them with these talks. Also a lot of them don't understand, because they've never felt this way. Though I'm sure a lot of people here understands :D Thank you for this place.
 
M

moonbow76

Member
From what you've written, I would say that you sound avoidant...or at least, I can very much relate to it, especially the bit about not making eye contact--I'm exactly the same way. I wish I had some advice for you, but I could probably only serve as an example of what not to be.
 
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