Alphabetman
Member
For me it's not clear, so, here's my story. Am a 38 old male who hardly has had a girlfriend or intimate contacts for my age, not that I did not have the opportunity.
I grew up as one of the youngest kids in a big family. My parents were rather conservative (far from extreme though) religious and self employed.
When I review my childhood, I clearly had/have the feeling that my elder brothers and sisters considered me as the little one, not taking me seriously. When looking back at that period it was as if my opinion did not really count, was not taken into consideration. To my opinion their behaviour never really changed and so, instead, I decided to keep some distance from my family They are nice enough, but I do not want to ignored.
Anyhow as a young boy (10-12 years) on one occasion I started to have a feelings for a girl. The guys I was considering as my friends at that time, bullied me with that in her presence. In fact they bullied me about other things as well. No wonder, in the future, I would not communicate to anyone about a girl I had feelings about.
Although this event may have had an impact on my life, I'm more convinced that my own perception about how relationships between people do take off, what it takes to fall in love has a lot more impact. As if one has to do major efforts, do some magic, express 'magic words and do amazing stuff' before people could actually fall in love with another, or with me to be more specific. In what follows I will try to describe that perception.
At the age of 16 I became socially more involved/active in society then I had ever been. A process that actually occured outside the view of my family: in the presence of my family I was a quiet guy (more then I used to be with other people anyhow), I remained somehow on the backstage, not in the spotlights so to speak.
In contact with friends though I appeared more and more on the front stage: For sure this stage in my life was a major point in my development, I actually 'became' a popular guy and had fun (I mean 'not sexually') with the people around me, was spontaneous and entertained people. l was convinced that one day it (having a girlfriend) would all happen, at that stage I considered myself as what is called 'a late bloomer' and was not really focused on getting a girlfriend yet. Having & making fun was more important for me at that stage.
With my friends I really was self confident, I actually took the presidency of the organisation I mentioned earlier. As I treated everyone with respect and everyone respected me, what could possible go wrong? I really felt I was actually in the position (socially) that allowed me to play a bit of poker. And so, at the age of 20 I actually wanted to make a major move towards the girl I fancied at that time. (As some kind of teasing game, in the run-up of her birthday, I sent her short anonymous letters with the intention to reveal my identity & love for her on her birthday.) Unfortuntely, due to circumstances, it did not work out the way I anticipated and she started to see someone else the day before. Not only did I regret she did not 'pick me'; although it all was meant as a bit of fun, I felt embarrased the way I made my move: like some kind of creep.
In the period after that I gradually lost confidence as I did not dare to look into her eyes and started to avoid her, I shyed away so to speak, even though I felt obliged to explain her my 'creepy' behaviour. I became rather obsessed with trying to explain it all to her, in that way that months afterwards I actually missed her signals completely that she actually wanted to get together. Obviously, her signals were not so open and direct as the ones I had given
. No surprise at times she became quite annoyed with me as I kept moving the goalpost further while she gave signals on which I, at that stage, was not focused and consequently did not see/recognise (Obviously, I only became aware of it long after this all happened): the only thing I wanted was to explain my behaviour.
Although I tried to leave my feelings for that girl behind me, one way or another I still felt obliged I had to explain my behaviour, not only to her, but to the rest of my environment as well. Which, obviously, I could not. Anyway I tried to move on, and had my eyes and thoughts on at least two other girls, not at the same time though. The combination of the obligation I still felt and the unsuccesfull attempt earlier made me believe that having sex with a women was an experience not meant to be part of my life, despite the fact I really wanted to be close/romantic/intimate with a person I care about (and not just to anyone).
In the aftermath of this story I felt I had no choice then to flee from that environment/place and move out towards the city (I was about 25). In my new social environment a similar story occured: I no longer felt I had to explain my previous behaviour in this new environment (in fact, I never mentioned it to anyone), I still saw getting close/intimate with women as 'an unreachable goal' (I had and still have no clear idea where that comes from). I felt that mentally I did get close (very close even), getting into a (sexual) relationship with that women I had feelings for did not happen. Wisely enough, as she wanted more and I couldn't/did not want to 'deliver', she started to take some distance and we remained 'just friends'; another opportunity that slipped away. It may sound silly but it took me a very long time to recover from her.
At that stage I really started wondering why everybody else except me was able to end up in a relationship. I never really expressed to anyone that that playing in my head, I clearly was far from happy. That question kept buzzing through my head and decided to fill up my time with studying in the hope that would bring me answers. I definitely don't regret to have done this and am happy with the outcome, I just sense that that specific reason ('maybe I have to be smarter, more educated?') to do so in the first place was not right. (The other reasons - as I wanted to move forward, progress my career, ... - were fine though.)
A couple of years later, having finished my education, a couple of years abroad and just under my 30's, I considered myself ready and 'smart enough' to 'get a women/girlfriend'.
All those years the last girl I was close with, before studying I mean, was still in my head and hoped to get back in touch with her. Later on I did 'admit' by mail (we were not that close any more) that I had feelings towards her. And that was the end of that, even more because she was seeing somebody for a while. Fair enough.
Before moving back to my own country though - I move a bit back in time now - I felt I deserved a long break and back packed for a while in South America. And although it was not my intention, the women over there must have something in their blood: Twice I ended up having sex with locals, finally and had a lot more opportunities.
On each occasion though, they nearly had to drag me into bed and pull my pants down: For some odd reason I believe that making physical avances to women is something you don't do (as I don't want to get slapped in my face or get a knee in my nuts), one just has to hope the woman fancies the guy/me as well, as if I have to wait for an explicit verbal go ahead (No wonder that I'm puzzled how guys in general get in bed with women). On a first occasion, I wait for the women to take the initiative.
Anyhow, having that experienced - now I move forward again - I moved back to my own country, started a new job and ended up making a new set of friends. As I am a good listener - at least that's how other people often see me - a gentle and respectful guy, not bad looking and rather fluent (depending on the situation) or rather dare to tease women, these new friends considered me as a gentle womeniser or something. A perception I did not object against. On the contrary, I did not want them to know that my sexual experience with women was minimal. In fact, at this stage, I'm still friends with most of them, one of them is even my closest friend. Obviously, as I don't want to lie I avoid talking to much about my past in relation to relationships, sexuality and women.
Some years later I went on a holiday to visit the country of a former fellow female student. While she had to work, I traveled around the country and met a women and one of her friends. As we ended up having an enjoyable conversation, they invited me to join them the following day to visit a touristic site. At first I had the impression they were having a joint break from kids and family life. Some time afterwards though, my holidays were well behind me, she started to contact me and it became clear she fancied me. At that stage she revealed she was divorced with kids. As our phone relation was really going well, and at her initiative we agreed to meet. Was it due to the distance that allowed me to get really relaxed with her, her way of thinking, not to feel pressure, ... I don't know. Anyhow, when we managed to meet (without her kids) we ended up having sex. Again at her initiative. In fact during the two days we were together we hardly came out of bed. Now I think about it, the first times we actually had sex, I did not have an orgasm. She wondered why but I assume it had to do with getting confident with the other person (on earlier occasions in South America when there were less emotions involved, I did not have that 'problem', on the contrary Again, being ashamed about my sexual past or the lack of it, I remained as vague as possible about that past but could not avoid telling a little lie here and there. Given her attitude, reaction and opinion my 'performance' was classified as good, so there was no suspicion. (Hey, I had been practising on my own and acted a bit as in my phantasies.)
Morally, I did not like it me exagerating my past experience, but sure there are worse things to lie about. For instance, the fact that her ex-husband had been cheating on her for ages. As I can't predict the future, I simply can't exclude it could not happen to me as well - and I try not to judge people. Knowing myself, I certainly would be devastated to find out if I would do so.
We decided to start a long distance relationship and we did get along pretty well. The introduction and contact with her children did not scare me, as I do very well with kids. Something I found out while hanging out with the kids of my brothers and sisters. In fact, I do feel more appreciated with them then with my brothers and sisters. Anyway, soon after that I became aware that she still had issues from her marriage. Being a relaxed guy and as she was worthwhile for me, I wanted to invest in the relation and help her to solve these issues, even if some of them were reflected upon me. As she appreciated my help and, more important, I noticed her progress I felt we were going in the good direction.
After a year she realised she had to take her life more under control and wanted to change parts of her life. And I was one part that had to disappear. Up to now, I still don't have more details about her reasons. For sure I did not like what happened but accepted her decision. I tried to remain friends, but she did cut me out completely and felt as if I had something really bad.
Once more, it took a long time to get over it. Luckily, soon afterwards I did get in contact with someone from my own country. At that stage, I was not in to another relation and did not have major feelings towards her, we started some kind of LAT relation. As I wanted to be fair, I made clear about the fact that I did not wanted to have a relationship with her and she kept looking for her new prince. We stopped seeing each other once she started seeing someone seriously.
Since then (2006) I haven't really been seeing someone. Now and then I tried to get closer to someone, but failed to do so, bumped into someone who was not interested in me or having a relation, ...
A couple of months ago, I met, to my standards, a very attractive women, a friend of a friend. To my surprise this friend had been thinking earlier that she could be someone who 'met my standards and desires'. And indeed, we - to my opinion - did get along quite well. We spent New Year's Eve together (without the presence of our common friend) not as a couple though. She, on her own since breaking from a long term relationship for some time, and me, most of the time on my own and not really in to X-mas and NY's Eve celebrations.
Thing though was that, as I felt it that evening, she was not really looking for a boyfriend. Me on the other side - the crisis had put me out of a job for some time - felt I could not contribute to a relationship to my fullest potential. I do not mean sexually, nor financially; I rather mean mentally, I want to go into a relationship where I can be there for my partner when necessary. Although she's a very independent women (that's one of the reasons why I fancy her), at this stage I'm not convinced I am able to be fully supportive when desired and necessary, to have a balanced relationship. I sense that my current potential on that matter is limited and I'd rather not start something then runnng the risk to break up later because of my situation. That would hurt.
Despite the fact that I have fallen in love, not only with her looks, but her mental state of mind, I thought it would be better to solve my job problem first. It would have been different if I would have lost my job while being in a relation (at least I hope).
And so the rational me intervened, I did not want not walk around with the dual state of mind in my head: being in love on one side and realising on the other side that the time was not right to get into a relationship. And so, shortly after New Year I sent her a message in which I thanked her for the pleasant company on New Year's Eve and that I started to have feelings for her. Neither of them were a lie. This way I did leave any initiative in her hands, I realised though the chances on a positive outcome/reaction from her side were practically non existent. And indeed, her reply - which I thought was very wise, polite and openminded - indicated she did not have the same feelings towards me - any other outcome would have been miraculous. In the past I would have had more problems with being turned down, nowadays I realise there are bigger problems in the world. In my reply, I even joked about the situation stating that 'people should not take themselves always to serious' but added (as it was a lesson I learned earlier) that I did not see the point of 'not letting the specific person know that I had a crunch on someone/her'. It just would not be healthy to conceal such feelings. (Clearly I added that sentence in the hope that once I would be in a new job, I could still take a chance with her.)
For a while that was the last I heard/read about her. Some time after that though I did get another reply, telling she had been busy with stuff and she asked to meet up for a meal at some stage. Although my situation had not changed (and still hasn't) and I had been trying to block her from my mind, she just is a nice, smart and gentle person and so I agreed. I enjoyed the conversation and the laughs we had that evening. I could have interpreted her invitation as a sign she was thinking about getting closer/together. I deliberately did not though (again my situation hadn't changed). I had the feeling she was just trying to get a better smell of me, that's at least how I interpreted her signals. As if my initial confession earlier made her aware she had to move on in her own life and start to look for possibilities/options.
For a while afterwards we have been exchanging short messages. The tone of these messages were funny, friendly, not negative anyway - which made me think/believe/hope that once I finished my job search successfully and by extension became confident I can contribute to a relationship to my fullest potential - I believe that it could go either way if she's still single by that time. Or am I daydreaming?
Since then it became silent once more. Again, I'm not the guy who want force myself onto people and definitely not towards people I do value a lot. I assume that her social life is far more active then mine, I know for sure though that for her job she travels a lot.
Anyhow, for me there is only one way to found out. Solve my jobproblem first and take it from there.
It's really the first time I've put all the above together. No doubt it has been a good exercise on its own, I realise though I have problems to discuss those things with the people around me or at least with people I do value. That's probably due to the fact that some way I'm to much an hermitic/einzelgänger I suppose.
When I look back at my life, I have often been on my own, lived on my own, went on holidays on my own and realise that I do not have lots of friends.
Sometimes I just feel fine to be on my own but at times I hate the idea to 'get old' on my own.
I grew up as one of the youngest kids in a big family. My parents were rather conservative (far from extreme though) religious and self employed.
When I review my childhood, I clearly had/have the feeling that my elder brothers and sisters considered me as the little one, not taking me seriously. When looking back at that period it was as if my opinion did not really count, was not taken into consideration. To my opinion their behaviour never really changed and so, instead, I decided to keep some distance from my family They are nice enough, but I do not want to ignored.
Anyhow as a young boy (10-12 years) on one occasion I started to have a feelings for a girl. The guys I was considering as my friends at that time, bullied me with that in her presence. In fact they bullied me about other things as well. No wonder, in the future, I would not communicate to anyone about a girl I had feelings about.
Although this event may have had an impact on my life, I'm more convinced that my own perception about how relationships between people do take off, what it takes to fall in love has a lot more impact. As if one has to do major efforts, do some magic, express 'magic words and do amazing stuff' before people could actually fall in love with another, or with me to be more specific. In what follows I will try to describe that perception.
At the age of 16 I became socially more involved/active in society then I had ever been. A process that actually occured outside the view of my family: in the presence of my family I was a quiet guy (more then I used to be with other people anyhow), I remained somehow on the backstage, not in the spotlights so to speak.
In contact with friends though I appeared more and more on the front stage: For sure this stage in my life was a major point in my development, I actually 'became' a popular guy and had fun (I mean 'not sexually') with the people around me, was spontaneous and entertained people. l was convinced that one day it (having a girlfriend) would all happen, at that stage I considered myself as what is called 'a late bloomer' and was not really focused on getting a girlfriend yet. Having & making fun was more important for me at that stage.
With my friends I really was self confident, I actually took the presidency of the organisation I mentioned earlier. As I treated everyone with respect and everyone respected me, what could possible go wrong? I really felt I was actually in the position (socially) that allowed me to play a bit of poker. And so, at the age of 20 I actually wanted to make a major move towards the girl I fancied at that time. (As some kind of teasing game, in the run-up of her birthday, I sent her short anonymous letters with the intention to reveal my identity & love for her on her birthday.) Unfortuntely, due to circumstances, it did not work out the way I anticipated and she started to see someone else the day before. Not only did I regret she did not 'pick me'; although it all was meant as a bit of fun, I felt embarrased the way I made my move: like some kind of creep.
In the period after that I gradually lost confidence as I did not dare to look into her eyes and started to avoid her, I shyed away so to speak, even though I felt obliged to explain her my 'creepy' behaviour. I became rather obsessed with trying to explain it all to her, in that way that months afterwards I actually missed her signals completely that she actually wanted to get together. Obviously, her signals were not so open and direct as the ones I had given
. No surprise at times she became quite annoyed with me as I kept moving the goalpost further while she gave signals on which I, at that stage, was not focused and consequently did not see/recognise (Obviously, I only became aware of it long after this all happened): the only thing I wanted was to explain my behaviour.Although I tried to leave my feelings for that girl behind me, one way or another I still felt obliged I had to explain my behaviour, not only to her, but to the rest of my environment as well. Which, obviously, I could not. Anyway I tried to move on, and had my eyes and thoughts on at least two other girls, not at the same time though
. The combination of the obligation I still felt and the unsuccesfull attempt earlier made me believe that having sex with a women was an experience not meant to be part of my life, despite the fact I really wanted to be close/romantic/intimate with a person I care about (and not just to anyone).In the aftermath of this story I felt I had no choice then to flee from that environment/place and move out towards the city (I was about 25). In my new social environment a similar story occured: I no longer felt I had to explain my previous behaviour in this new environment (in fact, I never mentioned it to anyone), I still saw getting close/intimate with women as 'an unreachable goal' (I had and still have no clear idea where that comes from). I felt that mentally I did get close (very close even), getting into a (sexual) relationship with that women I had feelings for did not happen. Wisely enough, as she wanted more and I couldn't/did not want to 'deliver', she started to take some distance and we remained 'just friends'; another opportunity that slipped away. It may sound silly but it took me a very long time to recover from her.
At that stage I really started wondering why everybody else except me was able to end up in a relationship. I never really expressed to anyone that that playing in my head, I clearly was far from happy. That question kept buzzing through my head and decided to fill up my time with studying in the hope that would bring me answers. I definitely don't regret to have done this and am happy with the outcome, I just sense that that specific reason ('maybe I have to be smarter, more educated?') to do so in the first place was not right. (The other reasons - as I wanted to move forward, progress my career, ... - were fine though.)
A couple of years later, having finished my education, a couple of years abroad and just under my 30's, I considered myself ready and 'smart enough' to 'get a women/girlfriend'.
All those years the last girl I was close with, before studying I mean, was still in my head and hoped to get back in touch with her. Later on I did 'admit' by mail (we were not that close any more) that I had feelings towards her. And that was the end of that, even more because she was seeing somebody for a while. Fair enough.
Before moving back to my own country though - I move a bit back in time now - I felt I deserved a long break and back packed for a while in South America. And although it was not my intention, the women over there must have something in their blood: Twice I ended up having sex with locals, finally
and had a lot more opportunities.On each occasion though, they nearly had to drag me into bed and pull my pants down: For some odd reason I believe that making physical avances to women is something you don't do (as I don't want to get slapped in my face or get a knee in my nuts), one just has to hope the woman fancies the guy/me as well, as if I have to wait for an explicit verbal go ahead (No wonder that I'm puzzled how guys in general get in bed with women). On a first occasion, I wait for the women to take the initiative.
Anyhow, having that experienced - now I move forward again - I moved back to my own country, started a new job and ended up making a new set of friends. As I am a good listener - at least that's how other people often see me - a gentle and respectful guy, not bad looking and rather fluent (depending on the situation) or rather dare to tease women, these new friends considered me as a gentle womeniser or something. A perception I did not object against. On the contrary, I did not want them to know that my sexual experience with women was minimal. In fact, at this stage, I'm still friends with most of them, one of them is even my closest friend. Obviously, as I don't want to lie I avoid talking to much about my past in relation to relationships, sexuality and women.
Some years later I went on a holiday to visit the country of a former fellow female student. While she had to work, I traveled around the country and met a women and one of her friends. As we ended up having an enjoyable conversation, they invited me to join them the following day to visit a touristic site. At first I had the impression they were having a joint break from kids and family life. Some time afterwards though, my holidays were well behind me, she started to contact me and it became clear she fancied me. At that stage she revealed she was divorced with kids. As our phone relation was really going well, and at her initiative we agreed to meet. Was it due to the distance that allowed me to get really relaxed with her, her way of thinking, not to feel pressure, ... I don't know. Anyhow, when we managed to meet (without her kids) we ended up having sex. Again at her initiative. In fact during the two days we were together we hardly came out of bed. Now I think about it, the first times we actually had sex, I did not have an orgasm. She wondered why but I assume it had to do with getting confident with the other person (on earlier occasions in South America when there were less emotions involved, I did not have that 'problem', on the contrary
Again, being ashamed about my sexual past or the lack of it, I remained as vague as possible about that past but could not avoid telling a little lie here and there. Given her attitude, reaction and opinion my 'performance' was classified as good, so there was no suspicion. (Hey, I had been practising on my own and acted a bit as in my phantasies.)Morally, I did not like it me exagerating my past experience, but sure there are worse things to lie about. For instance, the fact that her ex-husband had been cheating on her for ages. As I can't predict the future, I simply can't exclude it could not happen to me as well - and I try not to judge people. Knowing myself, I certainly would be devastated to find out if I would do so.
We decided to start a long distance relationship and we did get along pretty well. The introduction and contact with her children did not scare me, as I do very well with kids. Something I found out while hanging out with the kids of my brothers and sisters. In fact, I do feel more appreciated with them then with my brothers and sisters. Anyway, soon after that I became aware that she still had issues from her marriage. Being a relaxed guy and as she was worthwhile for me, I wanted to invest in the relation and help her to solve these issues, even if some of them were reflected upon me. As she appreciated my help and, more important, I noticed her progress I felt we were going in the good direction.
After a year she realised she had to take her life more under control and wanted to change parts of her life. And I was one part that had to disappear. Up to now, I still don't have more details about her reasons. For sure I did not like what happened but accepted her decision. I tried to remain friends, but she did cut me out completely and felt as if I had something really bad.
Once more, it took a long time to get over it. Luckily, soon afterwards I did get in contact with someone from my own country. At that stage, I was not in to another relation and did not have major feelings towards her, we started some kind of LAT relation. As I wanted to be fair, I made clear about the fact that I did not wanted to have a relationship with her and she kept looking for her new prince. We stopped seeing each other once she started seeing someone seriously.
Since then (2006) I haven't really been seeing someone. Now and then I tried to get closer to someone, but failed to do so, bumped into someone who was not interested in me or having a relation, ...
A couple of months ago, I met, to my standards, a very attractive women, a friend of a friend. To my surprise this friend had been thinking earlier that she could be someone who 'met my standards and desires'. And indeed, we - to my opinion - did get along quite well. We spent New Year's Eve together (without the presence of our common friend) not as a couple though. She, on her own since breaking from a long term relationship for some time, and me, most of the time on my own and not really in to X-mas and NY's Eve celebrations.
Thing though was that, as I felt it that evening, she was not really looking for a boyfriend. Me on the other side - the crisis had put me out of a job for some time - felt I could not contribute to a relationship to my fullest potential. I do not mean sexually, nor financially; I rather mean mentally, I want to go into a relationship where I can be there for my partner when necessary. Although she's a very independent women (that's one of the reasons why I fancy her), at this stage I'm not convinced I am able to be fully supportive when desired and necessary, to have a balanced relationship. I sense that my current potential on that matter is limited and I'd rather not start something then runnng the risk to break up later because of my situation. That would hurt.
Despite the fact that I have fallen in love, not only with her looks, but her mental state of mind, I thought it would be better to solve my job problem first. It would have been different if I would have lost my job while being in a relation (at least I hope).
And so the rational me intervened, I did not want not walk around with the dual state of mind in my head: being in love on one side and realising on the other side that the time was not right to get into a relationship. And so, shortly after New Year I sent her a message in which I thanked her for the pleasant company on New Year's Eve and that I started to have feelings for her. Neither of them were a lie. This way I did leave any initiative in her hands, I realised though the chances on a positive outcome/reaction from her side were practically non existent. And indeed, her reply - which I thought was very wise, polite and openminded - indicated she did not have the same feelings towards me - any other outcome would have been miraculous. In the past I would have had more problems with being turned down, nowadays I realise there are bigger problems in the world. In my reply, I even joked about the situation stating that 'people should not take themselves always to serious' but added (as it was a lesson I learned earlier) that I did not see the point of 'not letting the specific person know that I had a crunch on someone/her'. It just would not be healthy to conceal such feelings. (Clearly I added that sentence in the hope that once I would be in a new job, I could still take a chance with her.)
For a while that was the last I heard/read about her. Some time after that though I did get another reply, telling she had been busy with stuff and she asked to meet up for a meal at some stage. Although my situation had not changed (and still hasn't) and I had been trying to block her from my mind, she just is a nice, smart and gentle person and so I agreed. I enjoyed the conversation and the laughs we had that evening. I could have interpreted her invitation as a sign she was thinking about getting closer/together. I deliberately did not though (again my situation hadn't changed). I had the feeling she was just trying to get a better smell of me, that's at least how I interpreted her signals. As if my initial confession earlier made her aware she had to move on in her own life and start to look for possibilities/options.
For a while afterwards we have been exchanging short messages. The tone of these messages were funny, friendly, not negative anyway - which made me think/believe/hope that once I finished my job search successfully and by extension became confident I can contribute to a relationship to my fullest potential - I believe that it could go either way if she's still single by that time. Or am I daydreaming?
Since then it became silent once more. Again, I'm not the guy who want force myself onto people and definitely not towards people I do value a lot. I assume that her social life is far more active then mine, I know for sure though that for her job she travels a lot.
Anyhow, for me there is only one way to found out. Solve my jobproblem first and take it from there.
It's really the first time I've put all the above together. No doubt it has been a good exercise on its own, I realise though I have problems to discuss those things with the people around me or at least with people I do value. That's probably due to the fact that some way I'm to much an hermitic/einzelgänger I suppose.
When I look back at my life, I have often been on my own, lived on my own, went on holidays on my own and realise that I do not have lots of friends.
Sometimes I just feel fine to be on my own but at times I hate the idea to 'get old' on my own.
