Direction in the "wake up" stages. long.. :(

[spring hall convert]

I've been suffering from insecurity and social anxiety since i was a kid. this site as well as the confession of friends taught me something i should've known - i'm not alone, and we need to be there for each other. this illness is definitely a disease. it goes beyond simple insecurity imo.

but recently, i've developed into a state that led to an epiphany - i don't want to be a liar and a fake anymore, i don't need to give in or please people. i want to be myself and be there for my true friends and family. i haven't been in 3 years, which were the worst of my life. drug abuse, alcohol abuse.. so pointless..

i feel truly compelled to be who i am no matter what.

how can i know how to prove this without outright telling people i've changed (which i cannot do, i have done this countless times and never delivered. my word is meaningless to some people.)? i know i have to prove it, but how can i do what's best for those closest to me as well as myself?

i've made a lot of fake friends or friends with awful and spiteful character, since i had none of my own for so long. the biggest challenge now is confronting this without pretending my past never happened. i accept it for what it is, a learning experience that made me who i am now..

this post comes off to me as self absorbed too. i desperately need perspective, in some way. it's been a long journey, and it's far from over..


edit: i was also diagnosed with Avoidant personality disorder a year ago.. i honestly feel psychiatry helped me use the disorder as a crutch for poor coping skills. anyone else ever felt this? :/

 

[Death Rider]

First of all, by proving you're just feeding the beast. Part of our problem is too much thought of how others see us, what they think. So isn't making your close ones realise that you have changed the same?
It's good to start with a lie, even to yourself, thats autogenic conditioning, but state clear changes for your self. Your relatives will feel the wind of change once it comes. They will notice and feel the change, they will start to react to your positive attitude, when it's there. Been there, done that.

How to get rid of friends? One dude once shared his method (the poor guy did it by accident) - just start asking "Why?". If you want it out of the blue - tell them that you had an apiphany and realised that you want to have a purpose to life. Start questioning every single thing. Why are we doing this? How does this lead to the ultimate goal? And **** like that. Go deep. Make them think.
When you reach emotions - still good; dig deeper, find feelings. This is the point where you can still stop. After whying deeper past feelings you'll make him feel akward cause he'll have no answer. If he does, if he is able to explain his horrible emotions based on his childhood trauma - he's bad to the core. Just tell him you think his core beliefs are stupid (being evil is reprehensible) and you will insult him for the rest of his life.
Chances are you won't get past 3 solid logic-based whys I don't claim copyright so feel free to improvise ;D

Ok, dark-humor-reality-based-serious stories aside, your last question. I did not understand it very well, do you mean that you used the disorder as an excuse for not trying or did it somehow help you cope better?

 

[spring hall convert]

First of all, by proving you're just feeding the beast. Part of our problem is too much thought of how others see us, what they think. So isn't making your close ones realise that you have changed the same?
It's good to start with a lie, even to yourself, thats autogenic conditioning, but state clear changes for your self. Your relatives will feel the wind of change once it comes. They will notice and feel the change, they will start to react to your positive attitude, when it's there. Been there, done that.

How to get rid of friends? One dude once shared his method (the poor guy did it by accident) - just start asking "Why?". If you want it out of the blue - tell them that you had an apiphany and realised that you want to have a purpose to life. Start questioning every single thing. Why are we doing this? How does this lead to the ultimate goal? And **** like that. Go deep. Make them think.
When you reach emotions - still good; dig deeper, find feelings. This is the point where you can still stop. After whying deeper past feelings you'll make him feel akward cause he'll have no answer. If he does, if he is able to explain his horrible emotions based on his childhood trauma - he's bad to the core. Just tell him you think his core beliefs are stupid (being evil is reprehensible) and you will insult him for the rest of his life.
Chances are you won't get past 3 solid logic-based whys I don't claim copyright so feel free to improvise ;D

Ok, dark-humor-reality-based-serious stories aside, your last question. I did not understand it very well, do you mean that you used the disorder as an excuse for not trying or did it somehow help you cope better?

Ah. It looks like I want people to just think I've changed. I did not want to fall back into old habits here. i need to make something of my life. If it isn't worth talking to my old friends, who were seeing a different person for too long - I wanted to know if I should forgive them, move on or wait for them to get over the past of my life?

Not wastng my time on people who want a laugh out of me. Or their time.

It's a bit hard to follow what you're getting at here. Maybe just be blunt about it, you know? LLOL