Did you make a conscious decision to become "quiet"

[gsmax5]

[Edit: I know this is a long post, but please read it. This is (I think) a pretty unique story as to how I gradually developed Social Phobia. I have never told anyone this before, so I really poured my heart out with this post.

I have always been shy. Always. But the shyness I experienced when I was younger was far less severe than what I am experiencing today.

Up until the 6th grade, my shyness problem was actually improving. If you past self in the 4th grade, and my present self, you would not believe that we are the same person. I had 5 GOOD friends, and I was sort of a class clown. At one point, I even did a funny dance, and sang an inappropriate song along with it as part of a class presentation. My teacher hated me, but I was pretty popular with my classmates.

By 6th grade, I had lost my charm, and it seemed like everyone was annoyed by me. One day, a kid gave me a really hurtful commentary and called me a "rejected class clown". This really hurt me inside, what he said still bothers me today, and it makes me feel really low, like I am truly unloved.

Also, I got in trouble for a number of things involving socialization. Talking, intrusive and creepy pranks, talking during reading time, drawing inappropriate pictures, vandalism that I (at the time) thought was funny, etc.

Then one day, I had a brilliant idea! Everyone liked me soo much more when I was quiet (in the 3rd grade). People thought I was cute, and had such a loving attitude towards me. If I go back to being quiet, I won't be hated anymore! And teachers will see me as a good kid, and not some weird reject that they both hate, and feel sorry for.

So from roughly around 6th or 7th grade, I gradually decided to withhold myself from talking. As my teacher once taught me (after I said something offensive, I forgot what), I learned to always think before I say anything; what I say could be offensive, annoying, or just make people dislike me. However, "thinking before I say something" turned into "don't say anything, because whatever you say will just damage your reputation".

People may have liked me more after I stopped talking, but it wasn't a worthy bargain. I traded in my own beautiful personality, for acceptance (if even that) by my classmates. Oh God, this has been the worst trade, I have ever made in my entire life.

By the 9th grade, I was completely silent. I never talked. By 10th grade, I pretty much unlearned all of my conversational skills. No joke, I couldn't even (and still can't) carry on a conversation.

Fear of being humiliated is one thing, but actually losing the ability to converse is utterly terrible.

I hate myself. Thanks for reading.

 

[Nack]

We are the people that are consider "not" down to earth, and weirdos and losers in Hollywood's stereotype standard list. Cause everyone knows Jocks always get cheerleaders.

 

[BlueDays]

Yes, I had to chisel away at my personality from the age of 9 onwards to prevent being bullied. And yes like you, there was not much left.
Now when I'm older looking back, I realise there was actually nothing wrong with my personality back then.
The pack of bullies in question just chose me obiviously because I did not stand up to them, therefore they could have their vicious fun and get away with it.
But by the time I was older and realised that, I was an adult and the damage was already done

 

[reslo]

i don't recall a conscious decision to be introverted and shy.
my mom has told me how i was so quiet in the womb, that they were afraid I could be stillborn :/ maybe that's a coincidence, but i really feel like i have an innate "shy" personality.
For me 4th grade is the end of elementary school and 5th grade starts "intermediate" school- and I ended up going to a intermediate school that only a couple kids from my elementary school went to... i remember thinking like intermediate school is the big leagues, this is when people start having boyfriends/girlfriends, it's important to be cool etc. and feeling intimidated. After 4th grade, i stopped doing ANY extra cirriculars.
In elementary school, I was in the "gifted" program from 1st to 4th grade (basically we got to skip class and build things with toothpicks or try and solve riddles- lol thinking back on it, it really had little to do with math/science- it was really kinda dumb) From kindergarten to 4th, I did softball. I didn't want to do anything in 5th grade- I figured i was too stupid/not talented/everyone else was better.
I think I just get intimidated by other people... high school was similar- never took any honors/ap classes- again, thought i was too stupid. college- i didn't go a business college/take business classes (although that's what i really wanted to study) for the same reason. I did go to college, and became the most introverted I had in my entire life- like I would actually go days w/o saying a word... i got really intimidated- everyone seemed to be "party" ppl, and they all seemed to be financially well-off... i wasn't from where 90% of the school was from. i just felt like a weirdo.
I've always felt like everyone else is better than me, so i generally feel stupid talking to people... im not sure where or why that comes from... well maybe i do- my mom used to scream "I hate my life" when i was younger, like really young? maybe that's it...