Danny100
Member
Im an 18 year old male and ive recently accepted what i have known for a very long time, im suffering from from Anxiety disorders, and its only getting worse.
I will start from the start, i was always self concious at school, but there is a difference between self conciousness and anxiety, i have always been told im a good looking lad, but ive always thought differently and ive always been concerned about a birthmark i have on my neck, it disrupted my confidence at school, and seriously harmed my school work as i was constently worried about how i looked around other people. However i covered this by being the class joker, when really inside i was screaming out for help, nobody came.
The anxiety crept up on me, slowly, over the past two and a half years it has dismantled my life, my personality and my dreams, i currently have no happiness, life is a struggle, yet i do little and say less.
It started with times of anxiety that were outnumbered by happy times, then the anxiety started to take hold, outnumbering good days, they are rare, and when they come im hyper and dnt want to end the day, the simple things in life become so special, people without anxiety take these for granted, i no longer do.
Ive now realised anxiety disorder has slowly started to ruin my life, my rock and the only person in my life i felt i could talk to has left me, my g/f of 3 years, ive drove the girl i love away, she still loves me, but i ruined it, she understands a little, but not completely, now i have nobody, my parents would tell me to get a grip, they are narrow minded, and are blind to what turmoil my life is in.
Slowly but surely ive become almost a recluse to a certain degree, i only do what i have to, i wake up tired, depressed, larthargic. I lie about going to college because i can barely walk into a classroom full of people, i choke, become paranoid, my musles tighten, my head muscles tighten, blood rushes to my head, my eyes water, my mouth goes dry and i grit my teeth, i do not concentrate and become a shadow of me, infact im not me at all, my friends remember me as outspoken, opinionated and fun, what have i become?!
I now suffer from constant and draining compulsions, i contantly check mirrors, i think im ugly, i find complements frustrating, i feel angry!, whatever i do to get over it creeps back, i know when its coming, and to be honest its almost 24/7 now, im at my lowest point. I now have developed a compulsion with showering, i feel this makes me look physically fresh, and it does, because the constant draining paranoid thoughts bring on serious physical effects, that i more than anyone become constantly aware of. When im under this stress i also get greasier and spottier skin, which only adds to my paranoia.
I find the simple things so hard, just getting out the door, i now even feel uncomfortable infront of my closest family, i cannot talk to people as im a lads lad and peoples reaction would be pull yourself together! but im loosing everything, and now im desperate, very desperate as im tired of living this life, it is not a life anyone should have to live. Its exhausting.
I manage to go to the gym almst daily now, i play football, and amazingly work on a bar!! sometimes this is almost impossible and people must sense my anxiety, but im at my best at work! and in the gym, however underlying is the fact that i go to the gym to knowing i can shower after, i have become this lunatic and i do realise how crazy it sounds! i know its mad and i craze to be happy, i just want to be normal, nothing special just be able to hold my head high again.
Other simptoms include struggling to adapt my eyes to sunlight :/ !, looking gaunt, loss of apatite or the opposite! the constant drive to improve myself, im never content.. ( another obsession i have is getting my hair cut), i also have developed what are stricked and silly regimes that if i dont undertake will ruin my day, e.g. the hair gel i use, amount of times i shower, how i do my hair, when and what i eat..etc
I now only feel comfortable speaking to people on one side of my face, as the other side is 'ugly', i walk and sit and constanly worry about losing control of the situation, people i am with will not have a clue, im better one on one with people, more than that i 'loose the control' i have with one person, i will become completely withdrawn or develop silly eratic behaviour, i also have trouble with sustained eye contact.
Thanks for reading, i know its along read but its time i got it out, and im happy ive done it, this is the first time ive written my problem out, and it may help, please comment and talk to me, i need help before i loose hope or do something silly.
Danny
I will start from the start, i was always self concious at school, but there is a difference between self conciousness and anxiety, i have always been told im a good looking lad, but ive always thought differently and ive always been concerned about a birthmark i have on my neck, it disrupted my confidence at school, and seriously harmed my school work as i was constently worried about how i looked around other people. However i covered this by being the class joker, when really inside i was screaming out for help, nobody came.
The anxiety crept up on me, slowly, over the past two and a half years it has dismantled my life, my personality and my dreams, i currently have no happiness, life is a struggle, yet i do little and say less.
It started with times of anxiety that were outnumbered by happy times, then the anxiety started to take hold, outnumbering good days, they are rare, and when they come im hyper and dnt want to end the day, the simple things in life become so special, people without anxiety take these for granted, i no longer do.
Ive now realised anxiety disorder has slowly started to ruin my life, my rock and the only person in my life i felt i could talk to has left me, my g/f of 3 years, ive drove the girl i love away, she still loves me, but i ruined it, she understands a little, but not completely, now i have nobody, my parents would tell me to get a grip, they are narrow minded, and are blind to what turmoil my life is in.
Slowly but surely ive become almost a recluse to a certain degree, i only do what i have to, i wake up tired, depressed, larthargic. I lie about going to college because i can barely walk into a classroom full of people, i choke, become paranoid, my musles tighten, my head muscles tighten, blood rushes to my head, my eyes water, my mouth goes dry and i grit my teeth, i do not concentrate and become a shadow of me, infact im not me at all, my friends remember me as outspoken, opinionated and fun, what have i become?!
I now suffer from constant and draining compulsions, i contantly check mirrors, i think im ugly, i find complements frustrating, i feel angry!, whatever i do to get over it creeps back, i know when its coming, and to be honest its almost 24/7 now, im at my lowest point. I now have developed a compulsion with showering, i feel this makes me look physically fresh, and it does, because the constant draining paranoid thoughts bring on serious physical effects, that i more than anyone become constantly aware of. When im under this stress i also get greasier and spottier skin, which only adds to my paranoia.
I find the simple things so hard, just getting out the door, i now even feel uncomfortable infront of my closest family, i cannot talk to people as im a lads lad and peoples reaction would be pull yourself together! but im loosing everything, and now im desperate, very desperate as im tired of living this life, it is not a life anyone should have to live. Its exhausting.
I manage to go to the gym almst daily now, i play football, and amazingly work on a bar!! sometimes this is almost impossible and people must sense my anxiety, but im at my best at work! and in the gym, however underlying is the fact that i go to the gym to knowing i can shower after, i have become this lunatic and i do realise how crazy it sounds! i know its mad and i craze to be happy, i just want to be normal, nothing special just be able to hold my head high again.
Other simptoms include struggling to adapt my eyes to sunlight :/ !, looking gaunt, loss of apatite or the opposite! the constant drive to improve myself, im never content.. ( another obsession i have is getting my hair cut), i also have developed what are stricked and silly regimes that if i dont undertake will ruin my day, e.g. the hair gel i use, amount of times i shower, how i do my hair, when and what i eat..etc
I now only feel comfortable speaking to people on one side of my face, as the other side is 'ugly', i walk and sit and constanly worry about losing control of the situation, people i am with will not have a clue, im better one on one with people, more than that i 'loose the control' i have with one person, i will become completely withdrawn or develop silly eratic behaviour, i also have trouble with sustained eye contact.
Thanks for reading, i know its along read but its time i got it out, and im happy ive done it, this is the first time ive written my problem out, and it may help, please comment and talk to me, i need help before i loose hope or do something silly.
Danny
