Vincent
Banned
I have just started University this week, Chinese in speech, listening, reading and writing. Most of the people in my class have just arrived in Taiwan and are hitting the ground running. But its so tiring and makes me feel like shit when I'm asked how long I've been here, to which I reply three years. Usually people outside of there would expect I know the language somewhat. They look at me like something doesn't make sense, perhaps because I don't seem stupid, and it doesn't add up. There seems to me an unspoken expectation, which sometimes becomes spoken, that I know alot about the culture, geography, or have alot of friends etc. I don't know how to explain it. These questions have caused me to reflect on the time here in Taiwan. The truth is, I have had so so much pain here, so much lonilness and trama. Being stared at all the time just because I look different, being in difficulty with bosses or co workers at schools, but not being able to say: well, I have trouble making eye contact or smiling at my students. Going through periods of extreme lonliness and depression. Taking drugs to dull the pain and wondering who would care if I ended it.
I remember optimism and adventure when I first arrived, as do these new people in my classes. They look like winners, and when I talk to them, I feel like a loser. I try and make the comparison less, but thinking I'm tougher and harder than them, drinking and taking pot, mushrooms etc. But that is again, comparisons and thats what I want to do away with. However, even if I successfully stop comparing, they still do. I can see it in their eyes. I don't want to enter small talk with everyone with I've spent the last three years in Taiwan in a pitt of emotional pain.
But, I am breaking away from wasting away anymore, getting nowhere and lamenting lost time. Now, I start to grow. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I have had good dreams. Also, I have a conscious dream too. What I do when I am awake. Putting my wasted intelligence to use.
I remember optimism and adventure when I first arrived, as do these new people in my classes. They look like winners, and when I talk to them, I feel like a loser. I try and make the comparison less, but thinking I'm tougher and harder than them, drinking and taking pot, mushrooms etc. But that is again, comparisons and thats what I want to do away with. However, even if I successfully stop comparing, they still do. I can see it in their eyes. I don't want to enter small talk with everyone with I've spent the last three years in Taiwan in a pitt of emotional pain.
But, I am breaking away from wasting away anymore, getting nowhere and lamenting lost time. Now, I start to grow. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I have had good dreams. Also, I have a conscious dream too. What I do when I am awake. Putting my wasted intelligence to use.
