deprograming

[NatRad]

ive been told im a victim of domestic violence, with years of emotional abuse, and control over me.

my ex left me a few weeks ago, and ive got full custody of my daughter, i have no possessions as she took everything with her hording, also in serious financial problems because of it.

i have no idea what direction to head in with my life anymore, at night im plagued with nightmares from the relationship, i dont sleep, i havnt slept in years, and infact i hvnt even drempt in years, the only dreams ive ever had were premenitions. and yes, i saw this coming which is why i confronted her about the affair.

my heart hurts, and i dont know why i still love my ex, even though she was bad to me for so long, and then became very neglectful of our daughter. and then hurt me so much at the end. it still hurts so so much.

i dont know what to do, i dont know if i can be deprogramed, but i keep wondering did i ever love her, is it love, is it just one sided, or is it just the programming shes had over me for years, i did everything, everything in my life to support her, when things got bad, i didnt give up, i worked harder, worked so hard it burnt me out and almost killed me. now that ive been left on my own, their is nobody telling me what to do, and i find this really hard now. ivebeen told what to do every step of the way, and anything i did do, iw as told how poorly i did it.

i think im really really damaged by all this, and at night, it really plagues me, hurts me so much, the dreams are bizar, but i really was trapped in that relationship.

what can id o to deprogram my self, work sent me to a shrink, but i dono what that will acheive... right now i cant see past 2morow, i know ill have to get up and look after my daughter all day, and put the most convincing mask on i can muster, that things are alright. and i know a week after that, ill have to return to work, even though im on restricted duties due to my shoulder injury.

help, i really dont know what to do

 

[Dronee]

I know that it seems that your daughter is your world, but you really need to take care of yourself first before you can take care of anyone else. I learned this the hard way.

You say you haven't slept in years, so that's one of your big priorities. If you have a sleep debt, you need to pay it off, otherwise, all the therapy and counseling in the world will not help because you have a problem at the physical level and you'll always feel more tired than you should be.

Ignore what the people say about you doing a bad job. A lot of people do that for no particular reason than to make themselves feel and look good. Hypocrites. Just try your best at work, but don't overexert yourself. Heal your shoulder first and your insomnia.

 

[NatRad]

yeah it sjust hard, i became burnt out and a full insomniac about a year ago, it did get better, then i did my shoulder in, and stopped sleeping because of the pain, and now i have the shoulder pain, and nightmares.

years of problems in the past, haunt me and i feel im only awakening now to see whats happening.

was i told i did things bad, because it made her feel better, was it her ocd perfectionisim, or just something she did to demoralize and control me.

 

[NatRad]

bikes are my passion and i havnt ridden my motorbike in 4 months due to my injury, an dnow i fear ill have to sell it anyway due to debts and divorce.. so as far as hobbies go, ive got nothing left...

 

[NatRad]

i just reread my posts over the past 2 years, it really demonstrates what kind of life ive been leading, the fear of loosing my daughter made me a prisoner...