Depression And Anxiety Affecting New Job And Vice Versa

[inamess]

Hello - I am new to this forum and thank you for reading my post.

Since a kid, I have suffered from depression and anxiety, plus lots of related conditions. Some years they are better, some worse. For the last 5 years things have been the best ever as I was working part time and engaged in community work and also pursuing my dream career, so I was enjoying life.

Things got tough financially so 6 months ago I accepted a full time office job. It was a big step for me, as most of my life I have been a freelancer. After 20 years' freelancing, I knew it would be a challenge working in a very large, open plan office. My employer also kind of knew that, too. But now things are really getting to me and my depression and anxiety are the worst they've ever been, even making me have occasional suicidal thoughts.

My agoraphobia is really bad and I am very self conscious, so such a large, open and noisy office isn't helping me focus on my work

EVERY day my hands shake, I vomit at least once, I cry in the toilets at work, suffer mild panic attacks at my desk, on the phone, in meetings, anywhere - which make my IBS worse.

The actual workload I'm given would be tough but manageable for most people, but because I feel so trapped, it feels like a mountain to me

Since I started the job, I've been too tired and depressed to even see or call my friends, so I'm quite lonely now

Two close friends have died in this time, too, my home got flooded which caused lots of stress, my motorbike (which I use to get to work) has needed taking to the repair shop every Saturday for the last few weeks but I can't afford a new one so have no choice, all my hobbies and activities have been canned as I have no time or energy for them (and they are all things which only happen Monday to Friday, so can't be done on weekends).

I did disclose my depression and anxiety before I started the job, and had a heart to heart talk with my boss 2 months in, when I first started to find it hard. My boss is really nice but he tells me I have one more month to sort my life out and fix my depression and anxiety, or it will become a HR issue, as he's kind of tired of me reaching out to him every 2 months when everything builds up.

I have so many deep-rooted issues going on since childhood, which I do mask well most of the time, that it will take tens of counselling sessions. I don't have the time or money for counselling so will try to find free help or read books, but it's going to take me more than a month. My doctor doesn't want to put me on medication as he says it will numb my intellectual and creative mind. Herbal medication didn't help (St John's Wort and so on) and nor did CBT.

My husband who also works long hours, is fully behind me resigning from this job so I can seek proper help and get my life back on track, pursuing the career I did really enjoy. He knows the pay was poor, but he could see it made me so happy, so wants the old me back.

The big hurdle for me now is how to resign so my boss doesn't resent me and the office atmosphere isn't frosty, as this will make my self consciousness and anxiety even worse?

Thanks for reading!

 

[DepravedFurball]

Well, resigning your position certainly isn't as difficult as what you've been courageously dealing with on a daily basis. As a fellow agoraphobe, I'm in absolute awe at your ability to put yourself into such a situation, and to tough it out for this long. Good for you, damnit.

But when it comes to quitting your post, you just have to show your thanks. Tell your boss that you feel honoured to have been given such a chance to work with so many wonderful people, and that you're happy that you were able to learn so very much from your co-workers in such a short amount of time.
After that, it's just a matter of explaining your reasons, and offering him a solid excuse to let you go without a fuss.
Perhaps tell him that, while the workload is certainly manageable on it's own, when coupled with all of your personal problems, you just can't seem to give it the un-divided attention that it deserves.


Here's to hoping that you're able to find the help that you're seeking, and that, maybe some day, you'll be able to thrive in the career that you enjoy.

^^

 

[inamess]

Thank you, DepravedFurball - your message and words really encouraged me in a positive way.

 

[inamess]

My boss has now been telling my coworkers that I'm feeling better now, as he has lengthened a few deadlines for me. Hmm, I don't think deep anxiety and depression from childhood, made worse by the office environment, disappears in a few days! But now it'll make me look bad if I resign...

 

[Lonelymom]

How's it going now? Are you still at the same job? I started a new job in January too, and it has been very good for me - forcing me to be among other people again. However, it makes the weekends alone that much lonelier.

 

[Lilly789]

I just quit working full time for other people a few months ago for similar reasons (same same but different!).

When I quit, I asked my boss for it to be kept it as quiet as possible - I just said I would really appreciate if this was kept as quiet as possible as the fuss would make me uncomfortable.
I specifically asked for it not to be "announced" in meetings, and no farewell cake/party.
Ive actually done this a few times and no boss has ever had a problem with keeping it to ourselves (and whomever I was handing over to). I didn't tell them why I was resigning, just "personal reasons".
I don't think your boss is going to take it as personally, or be as upset as you might think - they will just hire someone else. Its a part of business.

Im now working for myself in something I love, which has given me more control, which in effect has enabled me to deal with other people a little better.

My advice is, if youre going to do it, don't drag it out, itll just build up the anxiety more and lengthen the time you feel like crap. Just do it, and the period between you resigning and actually leaving will come and go faster.

 

[inamess]

Hi @LonelyMom - thanks for your message. I'm pleased to hear that the new job your recently started was a positive move as it has made you feel more comfortable around people, but I'm sorry the weekends are still lonely for you. Keep me updated and take care.

@Lilly789 - thanks for your message too and well done for making working for yourself 'work' for you. Most of my life, I have worked freelance/'self employed' too and I prefer it in many ways, but I am struggling to make my businesses profitable again since I...

...resigned from the full time job I originally posted about. Yes, I did it. My boss was excellent about it and very supportive, and so was HR and most co-workers. I mainly resigned because my depression and anxiety were getting very bad, and my life was completely out of balance in all areas.

The problem is, since resigning, I feel a bit of a failure for doing so and part of me regrets it, missing some of the people and some of the work I used to do. My depression and anxiety are even worse, not better, and now I don't have the regular income, and freelance is proving very tough. So I'm pretty frightened right now, but trying to do my best, like I always do.