dating

shygurlie99

shygurlie99

Member
:cry:

i have social anxiety and met some1 online in a mental illness dating site.. he had panic disorder/social anxiety :x

we decided to date/meet but now we dont talk.. i think he found someone else anyways i was just wondering where to find dating sites for people with social anxiety if any of you have ever tried okay bye
 
X

xkiss_me_nowx

Well-known member
no it's not.
i met my girlfriend online, well we'd been talking for 2 years as friends, then we started liking each other 4 months ago, then met, and weve been together ever since, we talk on the phone everyday, and she's coming back up today. its going great. were perfect for each other. i don't care what anyone says. we dont let the distance get between us.

also, my two good friends ade and laura, they met online, they now have a kid, live together, and are engaged.

some work, some dont.

im female.btw.
 
YankeeBob

YankeeBob

Well-known member
dating issues

thanks for your post. very confronting...couragous item to bring up.

i have been a book recently that is helpful for me ( I am 58 and discovered ...take that back...finally admitted ) about 5 years ago that there was something wrong with me ).

the name of this book is "I Don't Want to Talk About It", by Terrence Real.

One of his assertions ( he is a psychiatrist who has treated thousands of men and women ) ....is that during our childhood we men experience:

* loneliness,
* low self esteem,
* a sense that is something is wrong,
* envy of other

He goes on to say this is "covert depression". That is its never diagnosed because we don't talk about what we are feeling with our parents, siblings or anyone else.

Now this described my childhood. And I only told my father how bad it was for me ....10 days ago.

Now why did I do that?

Why did I keep secrets?

Why did I not ask my father for help when I was a child?

Why did I want a relationship with a girl to "fix me"?

mmmmmm

I did those things every day for years.

We learn certain behaviours from our fathers....the author goes on to assert.

Things like :

* not talking about our feelings,

* not calling other men on the phone,

* talking about sports or politics...instead of what we are thinking and feeling.

* not asking anyone else for help.

As each year goes on...he argues...these habits become stronger and stronger until they seem "normal".

Well in a sense they were "normal" for me because I never acted, thought or behaved any differently for 53 years.

What I finally came to realise 5 years ago was that "I was sick and tired of being sick and tired." So I had to find someway to change.

Take care. Be well.

ps. There is hope.
 
kyle

kyle

Banned
SocialRetahd said:
what about people who are unattractive?
Click to expand...

Meet at a bar, and have 3 or 4? People tend to look more attractive after a couple of drinks. The thing about most people is once you get intimate or spend time with them looks will be increasingly irrelevant. I once fell in love with a girl that was ugly because her voice turned me on, and she was really smart, and I enjoyed her company. The sex was great.
 
shygurlie99

shygurlie99

Member
wow.. okay i met him on nolongerlonely and we liked eachother and were going to meet but had a stupid fight.. i dont know how he feels now
 
YankeeBob

YankeeBob

Well-known member
Questions for two of you:

shygurlie99:

how will you know what he feels unless you ask him?

and if he won't tell you how he is feeling are you so desparate that you will become a people pleaser and let him walk all over you ?

men can be so dysfunctional/irrational.

Kyle:

Tell me: for you what is the difference between lust and love ?
 
thequietone

thequietone

Well-known member
YankeeBob, I think it is great that you are facing this obstacle in your life. My story is sort of backwards from yours--I was alerted to the fact that there was something wrong with me as a child. :oops: I can assure you, there are some difficulties that always stick with us and it may not make much difference when you discover your flaws as long as you confront them...we all fight the same fight. :)
Dating is another of those hurdles, especially for people like us. I don't think we should view internet dating as "below us". The internet is just another realm of communication that can be used to bring people together. And I must admit, it's a hell of a lot less intimidating that going bar-hopping or clubbing! I literally die in such situations!!
 
Thelema

Thelema

Well-known member
Re: dating issues

YankeeBob said:
thanks for your post. very confronting...couragous item to bring up.

i have been a book recently that is helpful for me ( I am 58 and discovered ...take that back...finally admitted ) about 5 years ago that there was something wrong with me ).

the name of this book is "I Don't Want to Talk About It", by Terrence Real.

One of his assertions ( he is a psychiatrist who has treated thousands of men and women ) ....is that during our childhood we men experience:

* loneliness,
* low self esteem,
* a sense that is something is wrong,
* envy of other

He goes on to say this is "covert depression". That is its never diagnosed because we don't talk about what we are feeling with our parents, siblings or anyone else.

Now this described my childhood. And I only told my father how bad it was for me ....10 days ago.

Now why did I do that?

Why did I keep secrets?

Why did I not ask my father for help when I was a child?

Why did I want a relationship with a girl to "fix me"?

mmmmmm

I did those things every day for years.

We learn certain behaviours from our fathers....the author goes on to assert.

Things like :

* not talking about our feelings,

* not calling other men on the phone,

* talking about sports or politics...instead of what we are thinking and feeling.

* not asking anyone else for help.

As each year goes on...he argues...these habits become stronger and stronger until they seem "normal".

Well in a sense they were "normal" for me because I never acted, thought or behaved any differently for 53 years.

What I finally came to realise 5 years ago was that "I was sick and tired of being sick and tired." So I had to find someway to change.

Take care. Be well.

ps. There is hope.
Click to expand...

What if you didn't grow up with a dad or a father figure in your life?

Meeting someone on the internet is great, but you don't know how you'll really get along until you meet. I think your best bet would be to get all your life together and maybe you'll just meet a special person on the way.
 
YankeeBob

YankeeBob

Well-known member
Growing Up with out a father, or father figure

Good question.

Someone you might be exploring is "whom could I trust"?

Those of us who have fathers who are emotionally distant ( they come from work, tired, and really don't connect with us in conversation or activity ) sometimes have wondered "is there something wrong with me"? Why am I not loved - hugged, talked to and listened to ( instead of talked AT ).

I have met a number of men in their later years who came from single parent families. They have discussed the issues you have raised here.

Some have married but have dysfunctional relationships because those don't have the tools to make them work. Others do make their relationships work, imperfectly.

so there is a variety of outcomes.

A concept I have heard....and I am still wrestling with ....is "is it healthy for a man to expect a woman to fufill all his emotional/psycological and spiritual needs".

There is a program called CODA, have been to a few of its meetings, where one meets men and women who really don't know what their values are. They take on the values of their partners,...apparently with disastrous outcomes. CODA refers to being Co-Dependant.

I realise I am sharing adult psychology and perspectives here...which I would have struggled with when I was a teenager. For that I apologise.

What is important is for those of us who extremely shy, or with OCD that we learn whether these are "handicaps" or "challenges to overcome".

Just as people born with MS or restricted to wheel chair existence get to make the decisions of
1) do i choose a life of self piety, and depression

or

2) how have others changed, do I want to change , do I want to try what has helped others.


I have ove simplified it wih these two extremes. Life has a lot more options in it than just these two.

take care. be wel.
 
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