crossroads

[Vincent]

Im twenty eight and have been teaching children english in Taiwan for three years. Im better at the job than when i started and possibly more confident overall. however, the net effects of the job is a paycheck and an immature sense of humor. Perhaps other benefits too, such as creativity, but i don't think its taking me in the direction i want to go. i want social confidence. im petrified of the next step i need to take.... teaching adults. im scared ill freeze with social anxiety, that I will fuck up the eye contact, either too much or too little im scared ill hit onto all of my female students, im scared that they will find me boring.....how many stories do i have after 28 years of avoidance?

i look back on the last three years and wonder if the pain, depression, drugs and intolerable lonliness was all unavoidable, to take me where i am today.....at the crossroads of choice. in fact, we are all always in this place if we think assertively. for me, massive shock and trama causes this awareness. Im in Beijing writing this, after eating a very lonely dinner by myself. The whole trip was not this way. A nine day tour from Shanghai, Xian to here. Seen alot and in constantly hard group situations everyday not to mention alot of time with my father, whom I haven't seen for months. Im scared Ill go back to Taiwan, back to the same dead end job, lose sight of the bigger picture.

I took a huge chance leaving my comfort zone those three years ago to an alien country with zero support structures, family or otherwise. Doing a job that was terrifying. But its time for more change, Im no longer growing, and my dreams big.

Help me.

 

[sabbath92002]

Adults are nothing more than big kids. You'll do great! Congratulations on all you've done so far!

 

[ignisfatuus]

I hardly see how teaching overseas for three years and being only twenty-eight qualifies as a failure. I'm only a couple of years younger than you and can barely leave my parents' basement a few times a week. Any change brings about a certain amount of regret and "What ifs?", and those with SA tend to do this more than others. In a few months you will more than likely have settled into your new environment (not that that thought helps to alleviate the current feeling of anxiety).

 

[Vincent]

Thankyou both so much for your replies. I kept checking back to my thread to see if there was any comments after laying it all on the line.

Different comments. First, thanks for the encouragement Sabbath. Encouragement must not change the material things such as experience but embue a sense of optimism, which enhances performance and makes feedback just that, rather than failings.

Also, thankyou ignisfatuus. I guess I have achieved more than I realise. If I had not left New Zealand three years ago, Id probably still be living at home with my ma. I would be less happy surely. Still, I am ready for more change. I guess Im more optimistic than I thought, or perhaps just more restless. My restlessness is reaching a boiling point. A critical point whereby it is going to overcome my fear. Yet, Im scared of returning to the same situation, and losing my restlessness. I just realised that if I have a computer, I could move to a new city and country and still have the support of you.