Could my girlfriend have a social phobia?

[Dagon]

I'm here to get help for my girlfriend, who I think could possibly be suffering from social anxiety.

Basically, I've been going out with this great girl for about 6 months now. I love her very much, and she is an amazing person. But over that time I've also uncovered a few things which have alarmed me (it always takes a while to get to know about someones "deeper wounds", as anyone in a relationship knows).

Basically, she is fine in most situations with people she is familiar with. In fact she is quite social and outgoing mostly, and very chatty. But I have noticed that she can be somewhat hypersensitive sometimes and has this constant fear that she is annoying people, and putting people out. She is always afraid of offending people and mentally tortures herself about small, insignificant issues. For instance, she is using the weekend to spend quality time with her sister who she hasn't seen in ages. Then an good friend of hers txts and is in town, and was wondering if she could come over for a while with her boyfriend. A situation like this is a major crisis for her... she build up all these possible scenarios in her mind (all of them negative) about how pissed off her sis will be if her friend comes over with BF when they're supposed to be having a "sis night", or how pissed off her friend will be if she tell her "no, can't do it tonight". All of her fears are unfounded... every time. And situations like this happen time and time again. She doesn't learn from it. And ot doesn't matter how well she knows her friend - rational thought and logic goes out the window, and she is deeply afraid that her friend will not understand, and will get angry. She is ultra-afraid of causing a conflict or any upset.

This negative thinking also comes into action between me and her. Sometimes I make a comment about something, and straight away she will react; "are you saying that I'm XYZ", where XYZ = something negative. Then I have to reassure her that I didn't mean it that way, that I meant something totally different. But still she has this doubt, but usually after I spend sometime reassuring her she's ok again. But often I feel let down that she'd have this irrational fear.. that she'd think I'd make a negative comment like that, when really I was just saying the thing in a positive way, or saying something completely different. The comment could be about food, clothes, hair, friends, etc. Usually just a passing comment.

This thinking also rears it's head when she is interacting with her new housemates. For instance, she is often afraid of putting people in the house out. She doesn't want to use resources such as cooking equipment or tables, etc. when other people are around cos she's afraid they'd get annoyed. One day, I told her this was incorrect and that she's entitled to use everything whenever she wants. So we went in and cooked a meal. Then one of the housemates came in (let's call her Susan) and just made a passing comment "didn't think a X dish took so long!", she is a really cool person, and I know Susan just meant "you guys must be going the whole hog and doing something really nice", whereas my girlfriend construed it as "what the hell are you still doing in here? get out, I want to use the kitchen, I'm not happy with you". I know for a fact by Susan's attitude, tone and chatty nature after the comment that she meant no harm. But I had to spend time and effort reassureing my girlfriend that it was ok, she could relax, she wasn't being judged or evaluated all the time by her housemates.

Another example; one night her housemates invited us in to watch a movie. The stopped the movie where it was and went back to the start until we were ready to come into the room. We then spent the night with her housemates enjoying the film, and at the end of it spent about 1 hour chatting to them about the movie and all about life. During the movie, one of the housemates partners (housemate X) left and went upstairs and didn't come back. No big deal, maybe he's tired. I felt that my gf was not 100% at ease with this situation (when we were chatting away to the housemates, etc). Then later on she tells me she feels bad... that she felt like she had sabotaged their night. And she was paranoid that her being there could possibly have made housemate X leave during the film. No matter how much I reassured her about this.. she still felt uneasy about it, and i just gave up. To be honest, I was a little frustrated that she didn't have the intelligence to see that the other housemates enjoyed her company, that they wanted to chat to her in depth about the movie and about life, and lots of other issues, that they were being really nice to her.

I love her very much, but sometimes I feel frustrated that I can't just stop her getting herself down about this stuff. During the summer holidays she was so happy and peaceful, but since going back to work and living in a new house, I have seen some aspects of her personality that are kinda scaring me, sometimes I get the feeling "I want out" of this relationship...but I want to stick with her, I want to help her though this, because I love her and I'm willing to be patient with her.

I should now also point out that she's from a background that had a lot of psychological abuse. Her Dad roaring at her Mum, constantly arguing with her, drinking himself silly (depressed alcoholic). At one stage they all (kids + Mum) had to get out of the house... all that stuff takes it's toll on a human being. So she's entitled to be a little scarred after such a childhood.

She tell me I'm the best thing that's ever happened to her and that I'm making her very happy... happier than she's ever been... and I hope I can end up healing her too.

P.S. Her job is a teacher, so obviously she isn't afraid of speaking in public and is very confident. She is also one of the best teachers in her school, but maybe being an authority figure, she can hide behind her anxiety. During normal social interaction, e.g. a night out, she always wants to drink (sometimes to excess) especially if meeting new people.

Thanks in advance for ANY advice or help on my situation. I'm going through difficult times now with her, and it isn't easy sometimes.

 

[Thelema]

I think you should tell her she needs some therapy for her anxiety but put it to her in a very caring way and tell her you love her and you will stick with her no matter what.

When you have anxiety it doesn't matter how smart or dumb you are or how rational you normaly are. Its like a fear of heights or a fear of spiders but its something she might have to deal with all the time and it can get very tough and it doesn't help when nobody understands you and tells you to just suck it up or snap out of it.

 

[LittleMissMuffet]

Hi Dagon,

Personally, from my non-professional opinion, your girlfriend doesn't seem the 'typical' socially phobic person. She seems to have something similar that is somewhere close to it. And for this reason, I would advise you to stay clear of labels (especially in what you tell her) at this stage. I think that when a person has any kind of problem/emotional illness/mental illness, subtle differences exist between one kind of problem and another. Yet, however small these differences, they make the difference. And because a person in any kind of emotional confusion is in an unstable place, what a person says to them by way of labels and diagnosis can sometimes make them think more negatively (adds to their insecurity)-and how we think goes into making who we are always to some extent.

I don't mean to scare you, but to say to you to avoid labels for now until you both know more and to show care in going with the pace of your girlfriend. ...my non-professional opinion is that she has something similar to social anxiety, that is probably more like post traumatic stress disorder. PTS effected war veterans. And in a way, you could say that your girlfriend is a war veteran. She grew up surrounded by a war and endured it for a long time. ...So her hypervigilance regarding a fear of conflict, of offending or angering others, is actually somewhat 'rational', given what she was exposed to from an early age.

She's probably like a child, who in used to being hit, now whenever she sees someone's hand raised she assumes that there is a hit coming. And it's probably such a reflex for her now, having gotten so much "practise" for so long.

Right now, I'd steer clear of labels and just address her symptoms. Try talking to her about what you have been observing, being careful to explain how much you care for her and that you sympathise and can understand that her family environment is more than likely why she responds the way she does. I would try to open the communication about what she feels and give her your version/interpretation, just so that she can see the difference between how you interpret what others mean and how she interprets it. So, be careful and considerate in trying to get her talking about it all with you.

If she still has a lot of trouble and her anxiety and distress about not angering/offending others is still largely present, then perhaps, you could tell her that you understand that she has been through a lot as a child and that the wounds go deep and tell her that a councelor may be a good person for her to find ways of dealing with her past and unravelling the layers of bad influence and conditioning.

Other than that, do your best to be sensitive towards her, trying to understand what it may be like to have grown up continuosly surrounded by an environment that could explode into a conflict at any moment. ...It's hard to understand just what a person may be going through and what is always the best approach and thing to say to them. Unless you have already been in their shoes, you can only do your best to understand and empathise. So, best of luck. And, maybe ask a concelor that you may know as a friend or through someone for their advice.

 

[Dagon]

Thanks so much for your helps and fast responses guys!

I definitely see where you are coming from LittleMissMuffet. This is an interesting take on things. You are looking at it from an interesting angle. You see, I've been doing a lot of research and I had basically come up with the diagnosis of social anxiety. In fact, I was 110% sure this was the problem, because the more I read about SA, the more bells are ringing. Also, in SA it says that a lot of the time it comes from previous conditioning or family, and is somewhat "learnt" if someones other family members have the same fears/problems. So I thought that she had SA, plain and simple. And I thought a solution for SA would help her to solve this problem. Now you are telling me to stay clear of labels... so perhaps I need to reconsider this decision.

It's just that some of her fears/phobias are irrational. She is afraid of using an elevator. Afraid of flying. She won't get the train to visit me, and insists on using her car (even though it's more hassle) and largely because she's "afraid of random people coming along and sitting beside her", as she once commented. Some of these fears are screaming "social anxiety".

When going out, it's always a huge big dicision to decide what to wear. Once I remember she dressed up really nice, and was exposing a bit more flesh than usual. When her friend told her that she was going to one of the local pubs (and not the niteclub), she had anxiety about this, and about the critical eye of other people in the pub who would be judging her / evaluating her based on her dress sense. It took me a little effort to convince her she looked wonderful and her dress was appropriate, and that lots of other people go to the pub like that (which they do).

Sometime parking a car in a busy carpark is a situation for anxiety. She feels the eyes of the other drivers evaluating her as she tries to park her car, and she becomes stressed, and sometimes messes up parking the car.

When bowling, she wouldn't loosen up and try some different bowling techniques for fear of attracting attention from other people there, she just quietly runs up and "drops" the ball down.

There is also a fear of going to the dentist, doctor and other authority figures (e.g. head of the school to ask about her job prospects), especially the dentist, because she hasn't been there in over ten years and feels he will critically evaluate her based on her teeth (which aren't in amazing condition).

There was also a fear of sharing a bathroom with "strangers" in her new house. But I think she's overcome this now.

I can give more examples if you wish (I've written about 34 separate instances down). She also blushes regularly, and is easily embarassed / hypersensitive. Do you think it could be social anxiety / sp?

This constant job of trying to calm her down, getting her to think positively, getting her to talk about her problem is taking it's toll on me. Sometime I feel sad, and am unsure if the relationship has a future if she continues to be like this. For instance, she is in no fit state to get married or have children. And according to the social anxiety information I've been reading - this situation gets worse over time if not treated, and can develop into depression. Her father and two (possibly three) of her sisters suffer from depression. One of her sisters attempted to commit suicide, and has self-harmed.

One of the people I think could help my girlfriend using energy psychology (using EFT and TAT):
http://www.ichoosetoheal.com/energy-psychology.htm

All I know is that for the sake of this relationship, she needs to get help soon because I don't know how long I can tolerate her constant doubts (about herself and others) and watch her torment herself with small, insignificant issues.

 

[Emma]

If you really love her like you say you do, then you'll support her no matter what, you wouldn't break up with her if she was sick with something, well, this is sort of the same thing, except it's not physical, try and remember what you like about her instead of focusing on what frustrates you, and I'm speaking from personal experience, my boyfriend broke up with me because of my social phobia, and it broke my heart into a thousand pieces, don't blame her for something that most probably seems to her to be beyone her control, imagine if you were in her shoes, how would you feel, if you can't take it then go, but don't make her feel worse about it, it's hard enough, things take time to work out

 

[LA-girl]

Hi!

I don't think either that your girl-friend is suffering from social phobia. To me it seems more like a low self-esteem issue. I sense that she has a very low confidence in herself most probably because of something that has happened to her in her past?

I actually have a friend who reminds me a lot about what you are describing. And she is also a kind of person who do not fear public speaking like social phobics do in most if not all cases. And it has never crossed my mind that my friend is suffering from social anxiety.

To me it's likely that your girl-friend also could be suffering from what we call "The Good Girl Syndrome." in addition to her low self esteem. It seems like she is very conserned about trying to make everybody happy. And that is not necessarily bad in itself, but when it goes so far that you eventually get sick it has gone way too far.

Anyway this is just a few thoughts I have, and I agree with LittleMissMuffet in that it is advisable that you encourage her into seeking more proffesional help. I think she could really benefit from going to therapy if she gets to talk to a therapist she feels she can trust and open up to.

Good luck Dagon!

EDIT: Sorry, I wrote this before reading your second post Dagon. So this reply is purely based on your first post as the new information you added could point to a form of social phobia i.m.o.

 

[Dagon]

Thanks. And yes, I will do my best for her, and will try to stick by her. But only if she admits she has a problem and is honest with me, and with herself - that's all I ask. Honesty. And that she will do something about it. Then I have no problems supporting her.. but she has to *want* help, she has to admit to me and herself something is wrong... and has to move on.

Just curious, are there any professionals who will give their opinion online (e.g. in a forum situation, like this)?

Many thanks again, and you support and opinions are really helping me to deal with this.

Anyone else have any ideas on how to help? Opinions on http://www.ichoosetoheal.com/energy-psychology.htm and tapping appreciated. In one of the forums, a girl posted she had received full recovery from a form of tapping.

 

[LittleMissMuffet]

Dagon,
I didn't mean to make things harder or more confusing for you. And yes, maybe you should ask a professional's opinion.

I get the jist from your second post that there is more to it and maybe your diagnosis is right.

I said that it's better to steer clear from using labels simply because if they don't fit or if a person isn't ready for them, they can create more trouble. But when a diagnosis fits and a person wants help, it is true that it provides them great relief.

You said that your girlfriend needs to want help and I agree, since nobody else can really change for her. You can only encourage what you think is best, but she has to decide.

 

[Dagon]

Thanks so much for that. And no, it wasn't making it more confusing for me... just more complex. I'm a little more weary or throwing a "label" at her now. Perhaps I need to tread more carefully, and be less "pushy" in how I approach this. I will also be more careful not to hurt her feelings. You guys have provided me with invaluable information on how she is feeling and how my words could help.. or hurt.

So much of the time when we are alone, without the interference of outside events, we are so happy and peaceful. I wish she could be like that all the time. But as soon as I let her out into the big bad world, she ends up having what she calles "dramas" (events that cause anxiety)! And sometimes it seems to be one drama after another.

You can only encourage what you think is best, but she has to decide.

And I'm hoping she will make the right decision. Cos if she doesn't then our future together is in doubt.

By the way, if any of you have any opinions on energy psychology please let me know: http://www.ichoosetoheal.com/energy-psychology.htm